Fear can show up while we are still on our normal dose of a benzo, tapering, or off completely. Fear, anxiety, paranoia, panic, terror, etc., are common benzo withdrawal symptoms. Why? Because the drug damages our GABA receptors. GABA is an inhibitory (calming) neurotransmitter. Without the proper amount of receptors available to interface with GABA, we are left in an excitatory state; in other words, we’re anxious. We are also in pain, unable to sleep, tense, etc. Without enough working GABA receptors, the world can often feel like it is a very scary place. Many of us in benzo withdrawal assume that our fears are our pre-existing fears and phobias coming home to roost (that’s usually incorrect) or we worry that we’ve acquired new fears or phobias. I couldn’t walk past any knife, hammer, screwdriver, etc., without having a very scary intrusive violent thought complete with a visual image. It was dreadful! Even petting my sweet cat Sam would send an ice cold jolt of terror through my body. (I never figured out what that fear was all about!) My main emotion during my recovery from having taken a benzodiazepine as prescribed was fear. The good news is that once our receptors recover from the damage the benzo caused, we go on to find that our old fears are non-existent and that the new ones that popped up in withdrawal fade away. That’s something to look forward to, but what do we do until we arrive at recovery?
The tools I used to get through the fearful days were these:
- This is NOT me. Remind yourself that the fear you feel now is not emanating from the real you. It is due to damaged GABA receptors; therefore, the fear isn’t real. It’s my favorite definition of fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. I had to tell myself over and over again, that what I was experiencing wasn’t “me” and that it would one day go away when my receptors healed. It’s exhausting work to have to constantly tell yourself that what you are feeling (or thinking) isn’t who you truly are and that one day it will go away. However, this is the work we have to do in order to navigate our days with less suffering.
- Look the other way. In other words, distract! I gardened every day for years. Being outside in the sun, amid my flowers, helped me to take my mind off of what I was thinking or feeling. It wasn’t a cure, by any stretch of the imagination, but it did help dampen the amount of my suffering.
- Turn towards. Instead of running away from my fears, I learned to lean into them. I came to accept it as any other emotion. I learned to go about my day and do what needed to be done no matter what I felt. If I was afraid, I did what needed to be done while afraid. Fear couldn’t hurt me. It was uncomfortable, yes, but It wasn’t dangerous in an of itself. Eventually, the cycle of fearing fear broke, and I was left with a backbone made out of titanium. Not much ruffles my feathers these days, which is pretty amazing given that I was an anxious person pre-benzos.
- Acceptance. Practicing acceptance is a powerful panacea for all of life’s hardships. When I stopped complaining to every person who would listen, and I accepted that withdrawal was going to take some time, I stopped suffering so much. The more I fought the cards that had been dealt me, the worse off I was. Acceptance allowed me to navigate my days with some degree of grace and dignity. Acceptance allowed me to find more patience, which I sorely needed.
Benzo withdrawal eventually comes to an end. It is not a permanent condition. The fear you feel today will not stick around the rest of your life. It is here only because of your damaged GABA receptors and they are healing. If you scraped your knee, you’d trust the healing process. Trust the healing process of your brain, too! While you are healing, do your best to rise above the fear and get on with your life as best as you can, knowing that the “fire” you find yourself in at the moment is forging you to be as stronger than ever before. You are being transformed, my friend. Please hold on! It’s worth it. Life after benzo withdrawal is incredibly sweet and precious.
Amazing timing…. trying to keep my head above water with elderly frail sick parents , helping with grandchildren and 9weeks out on benzoate withdrawal.. yes… I have to keep telling myself that it’s not me… just my brain. Thanks again for all your encouragement and help jen.much love and blessings, nicki x
Wow I really needed to read this today, big time! Fear and terror set in with me about 1 month after c/t from long term as prescribed use of Diazepam, and I have to say there is no fear which compares to this. I have great difficulty in watching the news, soap operas in fact almost anything on TV. I have the constant fear of dying and yet have a fear of living, if I was telling me this a year ago I would not have believed me, totally incomprehensible.
As you know my mission since going into w/d was to keep feeding the beautiful birds in my garden, yet I start to get really freaked out and thinking horrid thoughts about them.
I liked your coping skills especially F.E.A.R. I’m going to try to adopt and develop this skill.
Jen thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring I don’t know where I would be without your wisdom and support over the last 5 months, I dread to think.
You are so compassionate and dedicated, a true inspiration. I just think its sad you went through this too.
Hugs across the Pond
Jackie
Edinburgh
Nicola Thinking about you and wishing you healing
Very very encouraging blog Dr Jeniffer. I was in dire need of this blog because I am facing horrible symptom of fear of death ,crying with sounds like moaning since last few months . Now I am confident that it’s not me but my brain without proper GABA receptors. I have completed 10 months benzo off .
Thanks
Arvind
32 months and FEAR is still my hallmark symptom. Love your FEAR definition! That’s going on an index card as one of my daily mantras. Your writing articulates every aspect of WD to a tee! Very relatable! Thank you so much. Looking forward to your book!
Good post ! Jennifer did you feel that you had to control over your brain and it just did what it wanted , if so how did you control it ?
Sorry no control over your brain , yes fear in herendous , even watching TV is scary , children’s shows scare me , talking to people is hard because everything is offensive
The worst is dp/dr AND watching everyone have a normal life is agony and the fact that I used to love my parents more than anything and now I don’t care about them at all makes me feel like I’m the worst person on the planet
Hi Jennifer,
Great definition on F.E.A.R. I have had some heavy fear moments… way to many ! As you suggested , turn toward the fear and face it. In a recent post you shared LET GO – LET GOD.
Thank you ! These easy to remember soul reminders are perfect. Four words simple and yet so powerfully profound. I have been saying them several times a day. It works ! Absolutely divine !
In fun sharing:
I have a nephew named Jerry.
We have a lot in common.
His university major – Neurology.
Me – major Neurological damage !
🤣😜🤓
Love & Blessings to all, Jerry
Hi there Jen….. Ifeel l am getting upset over nothing after reading the previous posts, l have been free of benzo for 14 months now and feel much better however for a little while now l feel as if l am doing 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off in other words waves and window’s as l’ve said l am a lot better but this is almost manic could you tell me if this will end in time. Thanks Kathxx
Jennifer, I find myself giving into the physical pain by spending a lot of time in bed. Trying to find balance with this. Did you lean into the physical pain? Did you get up & do what needed to be done while feeling pain? Where do I draw the line between respecting my body & attending to tasks “in spite of”?
Kathy, you ask a good question. It’s sometimes hard to find the right balance between pushing through and resting. I often erred on the side of pushing through. I don’t think that my pain meant that I was harming my joints or bones with activity, so I kept going. I found, sometimes, that when I pushed through, my pain got better. When I did too much, I had increased fatigue and sometimes some emotional symptoms would flare up, but I rode them out. I think you can trust yourself to make the best decisions for where you are at. Just don’t do too much strenuous activity like weight lifting, running, etc.
Many of us are told that we are bi-polar because our emotions are so incredibly volatile. Once we are more healed, our emotions settle down. They stop being so intense and scary. Keep healing!
Hi everyone. I have wanted to comment on different posts for about 3 weeks now but have felt almost incapacitated to do anything. I felt like I was really turning a corner a few weeks ago. I would have like a 40 or 50% drop in fear which gave me a nice partial window. This happened a couple of times. Now, and this happened almost suddenly, I feel like I’m back in acute withdrawal. Symptoms I had in acute, but went away, have resurfaced. (like akathesia, restless leg, can’t eat, insomnia,cog fog, etc) It has truly been awful. The fear I feel, which is mostly of God, death, eternity, and all things related, is back in full swing. Fear hit my brain about 5 months off a c/t. It has only left once in the last 30 months. I am 34.5 months free of Klonopin that I also took for 20 years as prescribed. Fear not only affects my brain but my body literally freezes up from the stress that the fear causes. I was doing pretty well at pushing the fear back and kind of ignoring it, but now it’s center stage again. It has truly been my worst symptom by far. Now, I have a question about all this. I have read a lot of success stories where they mention having a horrible wave, almost like acute, right before they REALLY turned a corner and were healed or really experiencing healing happening. I would like to believe that this is what’s going on. Do you think this is possible? To me it feels like withdrawal peaked at around 18 months and then has been running in reverse for the last 17 months. I know I’m probably grasping at straws, but looking for something to hold onto. Still hoping for the fear to go soon and love to take it’s place. Thanks Jennifer. All your posts are encouraging to me, but especially the ones about fear. I really identify with all the comments posted here, especially Jackie’s. Thanks again Jennifer. ♡
Angie
I am sorry that you are still having to battle the existential fear that is so common in benzo withdrawal. Please hold on. It will come to an end. I wish I could tell you when, but I do know that it will go, in time.
Hi Dr. Jenn,
Another great post and I thank you for it. Fear has been my most challenging symptom during my 3 year taper. While I try desperately to face my fears as much as possible during this, I’ve found there is a fine balance for me as I’ve had the most severe panic attacks in my life trying to push myself during this. It’s so humiliating. Last year, I tried to go to my 16 year old son’s open house/parent teacher conference held in the school gym and had the biggest panic attack and ended up leaving not so ceremoniously. This experience jetted me into a terrible wave of despair that lasted several weeks. Before these drugs, I could testify in front of lawmakers on policy matters and now I’m afraid to go to an open house for my beloved son. I’ve missed so much of my children’s lives to this.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Does anyone else have a problem with blame , I everyday sit here and curse the person and people who destroyed my life , even have awful thoughts of what I wanna do to them , why am I suffering so bad when they’re living a normal happy life , I’m 24/7 suicidial and can’t let go of the agony these people have caused me . How do you let go of that and move on because I just can’t , wake up with the most extreme depression and not even able to love my family , I don’t even know who my father is now , I look at him and I’m like ” who is this person ” I’ve lost my SOUL and I hate myself so much , CAN anyone relate to this. ?????
I’m sorry.. I will reinstate before going 3 years in this horrid withdrawal. I am 15 mo off. I am miserable most days of my life. I have lost everything because of this. I try to stay positive but it is so hard feeling sick every single day. I don’t know what to do.