One of the hardest aspects of healing from the damage and devastation that benzodiazepines cause is the inability to do much of anything. Many of us are bedridden or couch bound in benzo withdrawal. Those who are lucky enough to be ambulatory are often plagued with fatigue from the slightest exertion. And then there is the inability to do much of anything that requires logical, rational thinking. It can be hard to read, and watching television or movies can be incredibly overstimulating. So what do we do when our bodies and minds are so out of whack that we can’t do anything? We practice acceptance of where our lives are at the present moment and we think outside the box for activities that bring us even a sliver of purpose or fulfillment. We look for things to pass the time as our brains cobble themselves back together.
Finding simple things to do to keep our creativity alive can help fill in the long hours in a day (and night). You can watch videos on Youtube that teach how to draw, knit, crochet, paint. etc. (For many, reading a how-to book is too challenging due to the cognitive deficits in benzo withdrawal so videos are better.) You can play a musical instrument, research recipes (for when you are able to cook and eat more).You can research places you’d like to visit when you feel better. You can explore your genealogy, play online games, write a blog, write a book (I wrote three in withdrawal) do puzzles, or spend an afternoon binge watching videos that don’t rev you up. You can also write letters, or make a scrapbook. If you have enough energy and bandwidth to tackle some organizational tasks, you can declutter drawers and closets. The trick is to find something to do every day that occupies your time and distracts you from your symptoms. Google is your friend in withdrawal if you use it to find healthy distractions instead of using it to self-diagnosis your symptoms or to overwhelm yourself with horror stories about benzo withdrawal.
You can find new hobbies that keep your hands, and your mind occupied. I became an avid gardener in the first few years off of my benzo. Once I overcame being bedridden, I used to push myself out of the door—my heart rate through the roof, my legs rubbery as limp noodles, my head full of pressure and woozy, my hands shaky—and plant flowers. I went from earning thousands of dollars a day as a highly sought after expert in my field to basically being only being able to dig holes in my yard. My life got very small in withdrawal.
Your life may have gotten smaller in benzo withdrawal too. But In the smallness of our lives, there can be profound learning and transformation. For many of us, benzo withdrawal became the birthing ground for enormous positive change. We learned how to practice acceptance and gratitude. We learned who are real friends are. We learned to not sweat the small stuff. We also learned that we are stronger and more resilient than we could ever have imagined.
What can you do when you can’t do anything? You hold on. You accept your life just as it is. You press to your heart the knowledge that you are healing, in every way a person can heal. You let that be enough, and then you get your hands and mind as busy as you comfortably can, doing whatever you can. You accept that your life is different now, but you hold on to the knowledge that benzo withdrawal is not forever. One day you will be able to do all that you did before. For some of us, we are able to do even more!
There is one more thing you can do when you can’t do anything in benzo withdrawal. You can surrender your life to God as you understand God. For those of us who have faith in a Creator, we let go and trust that we are in God’s care. It’s often hard to maintain a relationship with our understanding of God when we are battling withdrawal, but even a small sliver of faith can help us get through our days.
What can you do today, to keep your hands and mind busy? Share your ideas with us.
Jennifer, Thank you! Another great post that I can relate to. It was helpful to read how withdrawal can affect ones relationship with God, as that has happened to me. I still love and trust Him, but, just like everyone else, it is now an altered relationship. As for what I do, I joke that my IPad is now my best friend. I play games most of the day, it’s a great distraction. I am fortunate that I also have a part time job, where I am on call and the job requires no thinking, just simple tasks. I can also say no if I’m in bad shape. I’ve told my boss what I am going through and he is very understanding. I am retired, thank the Lord, as I could not survive my career now.
Happy New Year!
During the NFL season I played fantasy football that used to have me something to look forward to each Sunday and also made me think about lineups and players who could help me win.
Thank you
Thank you, Jenn. I’m starting my 5th month post taper and am bedridden and/or housebound much of the time (and it’s in the single digits weatherwise, so there’s that!) Like Dan, my iPad is my best friend right now. I have done much of what you have suggested here. Also, I loved your list of gentle, mindful things to do. I paint my nails (when I’m steady enough), clean and organize drawers and closets (Goodwill is loving me right now). I even did my fridge and freezer. I ordered the Sunday paper and have enjoyed the lazy, leafing through of the pages, reading every article, and planning what restaurants I’d like to visit and activites I’d like to do. I’m loving reading recipes and cooking things I previously would never have attempted (popovers, today). And I fall down rabbit holes, endlessly, researching historical figures, places, and things (into Russian royalty at the moment). I’m planning to make a fairy garden in the spring, so I love watching YouTube videos and research around that. Pretty much anything that peaks my interest gets the full research treatment. There is a weird luxury(?) of time now that I never had when working and living before benzo withdrawal. Watching the Olympics and the recent elections was particularly engrossing.
This was a great post!
Thank you.
I am A Course in Marickes student. During my 19 month WD I did the workbook lessons which is a daily guide to practicing my spiritual path. I would wake up every morning – cortisol surging- and read the lesson. It calmed my mind and helped give me a purpose to get through another day.
I am 20 month free and no longer wake up with Cortizone searching but I still do a lesson every day.
It sure is very hard. I did thousands of word puzzles, Code Words. Would panic if I was running out of books, took out annual subscriptions to make sure I did not. Could not watch tv or read or talk on phone. Live alone. When my cognition got worse I coloured in hundreds of pictures, hour after hour, day after day. Some months were better so set up two websites, wrote a book, campaigned about benzos. But much of the time was spent simply coping with the torture of symptoms and sharing with others on the forums. Now in my 4th year and once again can do very little. Back in bed 24/7. It isn’t boring, my mind is constantly occupied trying to cope. Whether I will be a better or different person, I don’t know. Time will tell.
Happy New Day Jennifer !
Thank you for another insightful sharing.
What do I do ?
Stand assured in the isness of it all, knowing I am being guided out of darkness and into LIGHT.
WINGS SURROUND
TOUCHING SILENT – UNSEEN
EVER PRESENT
With Gratitude, Jerry
Wishing you and your family a very happy and prosperous NEW YEAR 2017. Wonderful post Jennifer.Struggling with horrific symptoms after six months of last dose taken . For distraction I have started my post retirement assignment at the age of 63 years.I am trying to keep myself busy but without any stress now.
regards
Arvind
How do you continue taper when symotoms are do bad?
How do you not throw up your hands and say “I am going back on” or “I will just take that ativan to get me through”?
I am on .125 clonazepam now and have had a horrible week which I believe could be withdrawal. Hot flashes, no appetite, jitters, anxiety, desire to gag or vomit.
How do I keep going and not just go back up in my meds?
You may want to slow down your taper. Hold for a bit. Make smaller cuts. All of us trying to get benzo free have to make the decision to stay the course and get free, no matter what they symptoms are, otherwise, we won’t get free. The problem with remaining on a benzo is that you’ll most likely go into tolerance withdrawal even while on the drug and be sick. Also, dementia is a very real outcome for people on a benzo long term. The symptoms you are having are common benzo withdrawal symptoms and it’s possible you are having withdrawal symptoms. Many of us don’t get through a taper without some symptoms. You don’t go back on your meds by making the decision not to. Only you can decide that. In the long term we know that people who are benzo free are more healthy than people taking a benzo. You have to decide to stay the course and go through whatever you need to go through to get healthy. I know it’s a hard place to be, but many of us have been in the same place. We had to decide to suck it up and get through it, no matter what. It wasn’t easy. But I don’t know anyone who is now healed who regrets getting free. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I am free!! I was in tolerance withdrawal for years, and no doctor recognized it as such. No one is meant to be on a benzo long term. Hope you can keep going and get healthy!
Thank you Jenn and happy new year!
I’ve commented before that at 7 years off I am going thro a difficult wave. It’s a real roller coaster this time and I had been feeling so good for the past five years.
I’ve been trying to figure out if I have done anything differently this year and it dawned on me that I have been re-introducing certain grains into my diet after holding off for years due to a wheat allergy.
My naturopath gave me the ‘grain brain’ book by Dr Perlmutter and I was stunned to read how profoundly grains can affect our neurotransmitters..
I have been going off grains again slowly as some people can get a type of withdrawal particularly going off wheat. To those of us with compromised nervous systems, this could be very painful.
In the meantime I’m really reaching out for some reassurance that I’ll get better this time!
So hard to feel much better for years and then get hit hard again!
Thank you Jenn, your blog has been very valuable to me
I had posted above… 2 days later… Beyond standing assured, I recently came across EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) also known as Tapping. Thought to share it here as I found it very effective in decreasing anxiety and stress and getting my mind focused and away from the CBWS discomforts. You may like to check it out. Simply google
THE TAPPING SOLUTION and discover, try giving it a go 😇
What I also do is keep a great sense of humor, LOTS OF LAUGHTER and silliness 🤓 I poke fun at myself. I also talk to myself ALOT positively,firm at times and silly fun stuff. When my CNS is throwing a tantrum or my brain is screaming out I WANT A BENZO & BOOZE I’ll reply ” knock it off already, you are not getting it, get over it ! After some time the fit is over and I get a breather. You have heard of Restless Leg Syndrome well I call my whole body surges RESTLESS BODY SYNDROME when it flares up I don’t fight it I get right into it and we have quite the wild and crazy dance together. Maybe I have permanent brAin damage LOL ! I go in tomorrow to get the results on my Brain MRI
I want a copy to frame and hang. Anyways…. It is very challenging and discomforting not to mention %@&#’n irritating BUT doable sp? I never use the word unbearable, one bears it and gets through it, so BW is very bearable 😉 for me . I am going into my 11th month CT after 14 years, 3 mg per day of Xanax and not knowing at the time about tolerance & withdrawal while on Xanax began 5 years of heavy Alcohol with the Xanax. YIKES !! I have ALL the BW symptoms, the visual hallucinations have left. Like the saying goes ” when you reach the end of your rope – tie a knot and HANG ON ! ”
Hang in there kiddos.
🙂Love, Light & Laughter, Jerry
Happy new year ! Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am still experiencing easy fatigability and muscle pain right now at 6 months after my last intake of Clobazepam which I tapered . I abused 4 mg for 20 years.
It is hard for me to lift weights , let alone walk long distance.
But knowing that I will be OK and this is just a phase is comforting.
God bless us all ! ❤️
Hey Jerry
How can you possibly laugh or make fun of yourself and be silly , I’m so depressed I can’t even feed or shower myself , I get out of bed after having insane mental totally inhuman thoughts and sit on the couch all day going completely insane , you obviously don’t have any mental issues in your withdrawal . I honestly believe I’m going insane , I walk around yelling I’m not human I’m not human , smacking myself in the head and screaming out incoherent words , I can’t even speak to people anymore the sound of my voice coming out of my mouth scares me I look in the mirror and scream ” who’s that …. ” I have no emotions but apathy , my poor dear mum is dying from cancer and I barely have any feelings for her , I honestly feel I have no control over my brain anymore and am certain I’ll end up in a mental hospital or dead , have been going through this for over a year now and am still on 1.5 Mgs of klonopin , I have dp/dr constantly and am totally suicidal , what hope have I got ?
I don’t want to be on a benzodiazipine. That was never my choice! But, I’m emotionally stable and happy on the medicine and have no reason, at this time, to stop using those pills. Just as a person with high blood pressure, or diabetes, needs medications to maintain their health, so do I. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love and trust the Lord, because I choose to remain on these drugs. I’m simply not willing to pay the costs of getting free from the meds (which includes prolonged withdrawal symptoms and even death)
No one is saying or insinuating that you don’t love the Lord because you choose to stay on a benzo. This website is for information and education. You may want to be aware that some people hit tolerance and no amount of the drug will work. If that should happen to you, you will have no choice but to come off of the drug. We know that long-term use of these drugs is not healthy. True, getting off isn’t easy, but in the long run, most of us feel that it was worth regaining our brains and our health. But everyone must come to their own conclusions.