By now all of us in benzo withdrawal know that (for most of us) it comes in windows and waves. I’ve been enjoying a fairly good window, meaning my symptoms are manageable. I’m taking it easy, avoiding both good stress (eustress) and bad stress (distress). I am eating well and going to bed at a regular time. I’m even taking my dog to the beach a few times a week and walking/lounging. I’m working at building my new coaching career, and looking forward to the future. I am keenly aware that a wave could swell up at any time and close my window.
And it did.
I went to the movies with a friend last night. (We saw the documentary on Ed Snowden. Frightening to watch the heads of the NSA denying their unlawful tactics.)During the movie my skin began burning and my old constant friend, full body tingles, came back to say hello. By the time we left I had head pressure, weakness, dizziness and bone pain. I went to sleep early in hope that it would vanish during the night. No such luck. After three hours of sleep, I was wide awake, looking for my wetsuit.
I’ve been here so many times that I know the drill. Waves means serious self-care. Lots and lots of positive self-talk and NO VICTIM mentality. I wasn’t able to stay out of the victim thoughts when my brain was less healed, but now I can. I am very good at reminding myself that I will be 1000% healed one day and that these waves always come and go. They never stick around.
I am on the couch with my new dog Shakespeare. He’s precious. He was a stray who was literally on the table to be put to sleep. A vet tech saved him after hunting for a microchip a second time. His owners were long gone, but at least they knew he as a pet, not a feral stray. He was so frightened at the shelter, he wasn’t acting like he had been around people. I can totally understand how fearful he was. It wasn’t too long ago that the damage to my brain from the medication that I took as prescribed caused me to have intense fear. I’m glad my brain is healed enough that I don’t have that anymore. Maybe later I might head to the beach with Shakes, or head over to the bay and walk. I’m sure at some point I will water the garden and do some weeding. Whatever we end up doing today, I’ll be mindful that life is good, and that I’m healing.
The trick to getting to the finish line of healing is to not get too attached to expectations. Sure, set your sights on positive healing, but don’t get your panties in a bunch when you have set backs. They are going to happen. It’s the nature of the benzo beast. It’s helpful to distract from the symptoms as much as possible and to keep telling yourself that you are healing. I used to roll my eyes at some of the affirmations that Bliss shared, but guess what? THEY WORK!. I’m a big believer in them now.
Other things to do while you are riding your wave to the shore is to surround yourself with as many compassionate, caring people as you can. Love heals. Enough said. Keep your hands and mind as busy as you can. Do things that bring you joy. If you can’t feel joy just yet, do things that used to bring you joy. You body and brain will remember on a cellular level, even if you don’t register the feelings.
I know its hard to be patient. This is such a nasty illness. But we have it, and we must ride it out. One day, it will be gone forever. Do your best to maintain a positive attitude.
I’m grateful I’ve had a good stretch of time with limited symptoms. I’ll zip up my wetsuit, paddle out to the crest of the wave, stand up, and ride this baby to shore. I’ll enjoy the view, the sun on my face, the spray of salt water on my skin, and I’ll be thankful I am still alive to ride the waves, if waves are what I have on my plate.
Life is good. It really is. It is such a divine gift. I want to open mine up, and enjoy it, and share it.
Keep fighting the good fight. Ride the waves. Know they will one day the tide will go out and all you will experience is a glorious window of light, love and wellbeing.
Aw Jennifer..sorry ur wave..im beginning to see that. Ur rite. self care..n waves at almost 1 yr off. I’m going thru an ok window w/little anxiety n nite sleep still off. But able if no work nap an hour afternoon..n this evening 2 hrs @ xs. I like 2 sleep n at night..2-4 hrs. I usually get n Im sleepn whenever as long as I can to then @ night time..plus take care of my hernia n such. Try to be w/others soon n work up..gradually to living as 4 God..not proud or scared in these ways..If that makes sense. Fear some of bad waves but see u n try deal positive. Hard. Keep going n hoping. Thank u. Hoping n believing n 4 all.
Thank you for your good words Jenn….you’ve become an amazing and strong surfer/ warrior-princess and your sharing and positive thoughts through it all helps so many. Sorry for the wave but I know you’ve got this one too. Glad you’ve got your Shakes close by.
xo
Kim
Thanks Kim
I appreciate your kind words. I’m glad I have Shakes too. He is good medicine.
Hope you are doing well.
Hang in there Amy. You are doing great. Hope your sleep gets better soon.
Thanks for stopping by with a comment. Appreciate it.
So sorry you’ve hit another wave. You’re slowly but surely getting there though. One day you can donate that wetsuit to someone else who needs it. Though the waves are still very disturbing, I find them easier to handle the further out I get. You feel like you’ll never get better, but you always do. In the early months we were just scared to death. It takes a long time to really learn how the whole healing process works. Last week I thought I was ready to start walking with my long time walking buddy. It was the first time in 3 1/2 years since this journey bargain. Found out I still can’t walk and talk for an hour. My diaphragm tightens up from talking, and the rest of my muscles tighten up from walking. Unfortunately, that triggered other symptoms. So I am back in a wave as well. At least now I can usually pinpoint what caused the wave. One day we’ll all get there Jennifer. At least we’re seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for keeping us updated. We love hearing from you.
Dear Jenn, I’m sorry you’re back in a wave. You sound good though and are so kind to encourage the rest of us. You will pull out of this fast this time.
Can you explain how it feels to have less fear? Is that because you’ve had a nice long window, or is the actual chemical fear gone due to healing? I keep trying to understand that because I have bodily symptoms along with the fear and wonder if the body symptoms cause the fear or if they’re separate.
Thanks for any explanation. Again, praying for you always.
Boo on this wave Jenn…but remember it is temporary…you are still healing…you are doing all the right things….keep going….
I am in trouble, I don’t know what to do! On top of Klonopin withdrawal took it from 3 mg to one can’t go any further now on top of that diagnosed with cervical spinal stenosis, do not even know what to tell the doctor,,,, they both cause severe numbness tingling and weakness everybody thinks I’m just nuts. please help!!!!!
Don’t those furballs find us at the best time?! I am so lucky I have had a ll of mine awhile before going through this. They are such joy! Feels good to have someone need us.
I am lucky to have a big back yard on cold icy days in the midwest. my balance is too off to walk my Sparty, but we have several mini play sessions every day. Throwing the ball too much makes me dizzy and he understands, so we alternate activities. He is my constant garden and sitting companion in the summer. Warm snuggler in winter. Kitties too.
Everyone should spend some time with critters even if they can not own one! I love watching the squirrels and birds when I don’t feel well. They are even more precious to see in winter.
Hope everyone is warm today and the symptoms are not too much for you today.
Question for Jenn and others with ear ringing, I now accpet it as nromal aslo but when I keep changing doses it gets really loud in between doses- especially at night. Does that part go away?!