I’m flying back to California after spending three weeks with my 93-year-old parents. Confession: I’m a terrible flier. I hate it. Always have. Probably always will. But I no longer drink or take a benzo for a flight. (12 years sober and 11 years benzo free!) I’ve found that by distracting my thoughts away from my discomfort (let’s be honest, it’s fear) at being forty-thousand feet above the ground, I can manage. Absorbed in a good book, movie, or conversation, and I forget to be hyper-vigilant over every bump or noise. The time passes more quickly, and I deplane in much better shape than I would have if I had focused on my fears.
It’s the same in benzo withdrawal/BIND. Distraction helps us feel better than if we focus on our symptoms. Why does distraction work? Let’s take a look at our nervous system for some answers.
When we feel threatened, either physically or emotionally, our nervous system shifts into what is called the protect state. It is a sympathetic fight or flight reaction or a parasympathetic dorsal vagal freeze reaction. (Fight. flight, freeze.)The protect state is in inward focus—it’s all about self. Buddha wisely pointed out, “Where there is self, there is suffering.” It’s so true! When we focus on ourselves, we suffer more!
When we are in the protect state, our thoughts and feelings will be negative, and we can get caught in a negative feedback loop. Those negative thoughts and feelings fuel more negative thoughts and feelings. Distraction takes the focus off of self and, in so doing, breaks the negative feedback loop. Distraction encourages our nervous system to shift into a state called the connect state.
What is the connect state? It’s our default state; a parasympathetic ventral vagal response. It’s where we function, body, mind, and spirit, at our best. (Scientist call it the rest, digest, and renew sate.) What triggers the connect state? Safety! In the connect state we will have positive thoughts and feelings. It’s a challenge to experience the connect state when we are in benzo withdrawal/BIND because we don’t have enough working GABA receptors to keep our mind, body, and spirit calm. But that doesn’t mean we should give up encouraging our nervous system to make the shift out of protect and into connect.
All forms of distraction encourage our nervous system to shift from the protect state and all the negativity that comes with it; however, there is a powerful form of distraction that works like magic. That is being in the presence of someone we feel safe with. But it’s more than just being together. It’s being generous with our time, our ears, our hearts, and our souls. It’s about them, not us.
Bouncing around in a patch of rough air on my flight, I asked the flight attendant if she could help me connect to onboard WIFI so I could communicate with my children; a means to distract. She knelt in the aisle and took my phone. As she worked on the connection, which was being difficult, we started a conversation. We discovered that we are both sober and grateful for every day without a drink. I wanted to know her story, so when she had some time, she came back and shared more with me. I listened to her, deeply moved by her honesty and courage. I forgot about the turbulence. My focus was on her, not on myself and my fears. By being of service to her by listening, I gave her and myself a gift, the gift of the connect state, the gift of safety,
But there was more going on than distraction by taking the focus off of self. There was the golden rule of social neuroscience at play. The Golden Rule is “a regulated nervous system will co-regular a dysregulated nervous system.” When we feel safe, the pro-social regions of our brains light up, and the threat-detection regions go dark. Safety is the prescription for everything. The flight attendant’s regulated nervous system regulated mine. She wasn’t afraid of the bumps, and her calmness soothed my nervous system.
What are some of the ways we can connect with others to encourage a ventral vagal connect state? The fourth cornerstone of well-being, love well, is the source. (The four cornerstones are: eat right (WFPB), move enough, stress less, and love well.)These are some of the things that make up the fourth cornerstone: kindness, caring, compassion, generosity, gratitude, forgiveness, grace, acceptance, patience, service to others, humility, curiosity, awe, and wonder. These ways of being shift the nervous system away from the protect state and toward the connect state. When we apply them to our relationships with others, they are the best forms of distraction. When we distract by putting our attention onto someone else, we can fly through the turbulence of BWD/BIND much better than if we sit and focus on ourselves, on our symptoms, on our suffering. Even focusing on our pets, plants, and wildlife (gardening is healing!) helps encourage our nervous system to move toward the connect state.
Find ways to practice the fourth cornerstone in your distracting practices. You’ll reap enormous benefits! Hint: listening is a wonderful practice. Remember, life is a flowing circle of giving and receiving. Focus on others (give), and allow their regulated nervous systems to help regulate yours (receive).
Learning something new is another excellent way to distract. Stay tuned for that post, coming soon.
How do you practice distraction? Add your voice to the conversation. Leave a comment. We’d love to hear your story.
Thank you for this very interesting post. I have a question concerning this statement “There was the golden rule of social neuroscience at play. The Golden Rule is “a regulated nervous system will co-regular a dysregulated nervous system.” When we feel safe, the pro-social regions of our brains light up, and the threat-detection regions go dark. Safety is the prescription for everything. The flight attendant’s regulated nervous system regulated mine. She wasn’t afraid of the bumps, and her calmness soothed my nervous system.”
This sounds so obvious. Being around people with regulated nervous systems can be so soothing. But what if you find yourself around people with dud regulated nervous systems? It would stand to reason that these types of people could trigger us if we ourselves are in withdrawal for example. And what do you do if you live with someone who, never having taken a benzo, is clearly someone who offloads their own anxiety onto you? I was once told by a friend that it was like I carried the anxiety for the entire family. Everyone else was doing okay but when you scratch the surface their coping mechanisms entailed offloading their anxiety onto me. Maybe mothers do this a lot? Can there be such a thing as too much caring or empathy?
Hi Dr Jenn. I am 9 months off v. Back in 1998 I had trip to do overseas and terrified of flying. I lived in Sydney Australia and was travelling to Europe, a very long trip. I did a fear of flying course and it educated us all about how planes fly etc. Safety records were discussed and at the time who not to fly with. I graduated with flying colours
Though it took me quite a few trios to overcome my fear. I succeeded
.A great psychologist took the small group for 3 days, we were spoken to by pilots, engineers, flight attendents etc. It was a brilliant course. On graduation we flew from Sydney to Brisbane on a domestic flight, an hours trip and back. I was fortunate enough to be invited to join the Captain and the crew on the flight back to Sydney. Strapped in behind the captain, it was a one off experience. You no longer can do this type of thing because of security. Back in the day, I was very lucky.
Gardening and taking care of houseplants, good for air quality, have been a big help. Also, during the winter months in New England which are long, I put out a variety of bird feeders. Attracted a variety of winter birds that I don’t get in other months. It became a real hobby and diversion!
Once again, fabulous information! I so appreciate your knowledge of brain physiology, and how you present information in a manner that everyone can understand. Thank you again for these articles you write and sharing them, I am very grateful.
You are most welcome! Keep healing.
I love this! Feeding birds and houseplants are wonderful ways to enrich our lives. Keep healing!
What a wonderful experience! Thanks for sharing it with us.
This is an excellent question! Being around people who are in the protect state can trigger us. Even people who are not in benzo withdrawal/BIND can get triggered and have their nervous system shift into protect. The way we avoid that is to be mindful of our thoughts and feelings and recognize when we are in the protect state. Then we can respond/communicate in more helpful ways than simply reacting. This topic is quite deep, and I’ll do a video on it soon. It is helpful to set boundaries, avoid confrontation, and use the “when you, I feel” tool for communication. “When you (fill in the blank) I feel (fill in the blank). Be clear and concise when you share the “when you.” Avoid using words that are judgement, such a “When you are being lazy, mean, nagging, etc.” We can all probably use some help with creating healthy boundaries. IT’s okay to tell someone you can’t listen to them. And it’s okay to step away and take care of yourself.
Hi Dr. Jenn,
First of all, you’re a saint…period. I was started on Klonopin and Zoloft the same day in April 2021. Never a heavy drinker, I became one around May or June of 2021. Not necessarily every day but 5 or 6 drinks maybe 3 times a week. Despite taking a week off here and there and a month off at one point, I would eventually resume. Dependency set in and I dont have to tell you what the withdrawals were like and how you’ll take the drink to make them stop. Anyway, I’m successfully off the booze, hopefully forever, and I’m tapering the Klonopin. Anxiety and depression under control without alcohol. Quick question with the understanding that everyone is different and that you cannot possibly predict with certainty…..but…..how badly have I injured myself by drinking while on a Benzo and SSRI? Bless you and thank you again for all you do.
Congrats on putting the plug in the jug! That’s an enormous step toward health and healing. And I know how hard it can be for some of us, so good job! I have no way to know how much damage alcohol and benzos do together. No way to measure that. But I do know that we heal from both. And from antidepressant use, too. I drank every night for the last ten years before I got sober. I started at 5 pm and nursed a few glasses of wine until bedtime usually, then took 1 mg of Clonazepam. My poor GABA receptors! I healed. The brain is designed to seek homeostasis so it knows it has to repair and repopulate the down regulated GABA receptors.I can’t tell you a timeframe as we are all so different in our healing journeys, but I can reassure you that you will heal. The four cornerstones of well-being are an excellent way to stack the cards in your favor to heal as quickly as your body will allow. Thank you for adding your voice to the conversation. I appreciate hearing from you.