I looked into the mirror at my reflection. The woman blinking at me with bloodshot eyes looked vaguely familiar, but I wasn’t sure that I knew who she was. Panic began to mount as I struggled to recognize myself. Sound familiar? If so, welcome to the weird world of depersonalization.
Wikipedia defines depersonalization as “detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience.”
Wikipedia goes on to state “Though degrees of depersonalization can happen to anyone who is subject to temporary anxiety or stress, chronic depersonalization is more related to individuals who have experienced a severe trauma or prolonged stress/anxiety. It is also a prominent symptom in some other non-dissociative disorders, such as anxiety disorders, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, migraines, and sleep deprivation; it can also be a symptom of some types of neurological seizure and can indicate low levels of brain serotonin.” What Wikipedia failed to include as a possible cause is benzodiazepine withdrawal.
Depersonalization is one of a myriad of possible withdrawal symptoms. It’s scary and very difficult to cope with. However, that is what we must do as there is no way around it. We have to wait until our brains heal from the benzo damage to our GABA receptors. Like derealization, depersonalization has many “flavors and textures”. We may all define it a bit differently, however, we all know that it feels horrible. It’s frightening not to recognize yourself or know yourself. It’s panic producing to be outside of yourself constantly observing.
Acceptance and distraction are two of our most powerful coping skills to combat depersonalization. Reminding ourselves that we are in benzo withdrawal helps, too. I remember I used to feel eviscerated. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, what I believed in, or any other landmarks that would shine a light on who I used to be before withdrawal. Depersonalization can become so exhausting that you give up on ever recovering. You fear you will walk in the lost shadows forever. You won’t.
Like all the other benzo withdrawal symptoms, depersonalization finally loosens its grip and falls away. But until then, your job is to cope with it as best as you can. Your job is also to take good care of yourself. Rest. Relax as best as you can. Walk some every day (mild exercise is good for us.) Avoid stress when you can. Eat whole (one ingredient) foods. Avoid over-the-counter or prescription medications that will rev up symptoms. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and supplements that work on GABA. Vit. B, D, and magnesium are well reported in the BWD community to increase our symptoms. Pray, meditate and have faith in God as you understand God. Be kind and gentle with yourself!
I remember the day I was curled up on my couch answering emails. I read someone’s reply to my letter, over and over. I burst into tears! Like the flip of a switch, I suddenly remembered that rereading emails was something I used to do pre-withdrawal because I so much enjoyed the emotion of the words I read. I knew that day, that I was coming back online. I was able to look at my reflection in the mirror and recognize myself. The feeling that I was outside of myself observing faded away too. My depersonaliztion was benzo withdrawal induced. It came with my cold turkey and it left when my brain was more healed. Your’s will leave, too. In time.
Dear Jennifer,
THANK YOU! This post was so supportive, especially the ending, which promises that one day this struggle will end. I have learned to accept what I’m going through and, through prayer and faith, hope that, in the end, I will be a stronger and better person.
Dan
Thank you for your posts.
I wish I had the strength and courage you do. I’m really struggling with no where to turn. I am now trying to taper some of the meds I was put on to stop klonipin. The doctors don’t understand. My family doesn’t understand. I am losing my life as I know it and foresee a loss of my career. I am on leave from work and I am the provider of the house. I am 10 mo out and lost and scared.
Thank you, Jennifer, for this post. You were hearing me, and that makes me feel good. I suffered both DP and DR during taper and post withdrawal. Depersonalization was by far the most scary. Exactly as you’ve said, I looked in the mirror and wondered whose face was looking back at me. During a particularly awful spell, as I was going through a period of pacing in the house, I felt completely out of my body, watching myself walk. I felt compelled to remove items in my sight line out of the way. I had to remove books, art objects, anything that was bothering me as I paced to another room! It was so weird. Fortunately, because I had researched symptoms and new what to expect, I was able to use self talk to keep going until it passed. To distract myself, I focused on the floor, feeling the carpeting under my feet, and focused breathing. Focused breathing is my constant companion in withdrawal. For me, knowing what was happening and knowing it would come to an end helped me stay as calm as possible. Such a freaky experience, and I hope it will not revisit me again! Greatest of thanks to you and my fellow warriors on this site. I know the end will come, and you all give me hope to carry on, one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
Thanks again for this.This is exactly where i am at.I look forward to being able to write like i used to when this is all done.Thanks for allowing me to follow your words for now.I keep asking myself Where did you go?I know youre in there some where.
Wendy, me too! I feel like I can’t put my thought to paper anymore. It doesn’t express my thoughts the right way. It doesn’t reflect who I am inside. It doesn’t sound like me. I was continuing to write holiday cards, and my signature isn’t even the same as before. This too shall pass. I know it will.
Wow I’ve been struggling with this for about 16 months, thought I was going insane (and still do ) If someone else dealing with this would like to talk , could we exchange emails.
Thank you.
Sorry to hear you are suffering. It will get better. In time. Make sure you are eating clean and healthy. Avoid stress. Gentle exercise. Rest. Etc. the depersonalization will go away as your brain recovers. Give it more time.
I’m still dealing with DR at 17 mo. I losing hope
thank you.28 months out from cold turkey still feels bad