Like An Onion
Guilt in benzo withdrawal is oftentimes like an onion—so many layers and each one can make us weep! Our hearts are heavy with the burden of regrets, wishing we could undo what we did or didn’t do. If you are feeling guilt, know that it is a very common emotion in benzo withdrawal. Know too, that it eventually fades away, just as the other benzo withdrawal symptoms will fade away.
These are some of the things that people tell me they feel guilty about. I thought I’d share them with you so you don’t feel so alone in the emotional quagmire of withdrawal.
We Swallowed The Pill
This is one of the more common causes for guilt. We wish with all of our might that we had turned down our doctor’s prescription. We feel guilty for believing our doctors and having such blind faith in the medical community. How we wish we could turn back the hands of time and never, ever swallow that first pill! But we can’t go back. We must accept that we are where we are and trust that we will recover. We need to have compassion for ourselves. We made the best decision at the time.
Too Slow. Too Fast. Cold Turkey
Guilt over how we managed our tapers, perhaps too slow or too fast, or how we plowed through with a cold turkey, plagues many people. Their minds won’t stop torturing them with thoughts that if they had only done things differently, they wouldn’t be suffering. There is no way to know what our symptoms would be had we done anything differently. We did the best we could to get free. It doesn’t help to look back, but our minds insist at times.
Family and Friends
We feel guilty that our family and friends are suffering with us. We feel guilty that we can’t be the mother, father, wife, or husband that we want to be. Feeling that we’ve let down our family (due to our withdrawal symptoms, inability to work, etc.) can be overwhelming for some, causing a deepening of the depression that often goes hand in hand with benzo withdrawal. It’s good to remind ourselves that we won’t be sick forever and that our family (and friendships) will one day go back to normal as we resume normal life activities again.
Original Diagnosis
Some people confess that they feel guilt over having had anxiety, or panic, or whatever their original diagnosis was that led them to see a doctor. They feel that they were “less than” in some way for having had a psychological or medical problem.
Past Mistakes
Guilt over past mistakes or “missteps” haunt many people in withdrawal. This dark view of our past and of ourselves seems to go hand-in-hand with the doom and gloom that is so common in benzo withdrawal. Some people become fixated on their past, reliving it over and over, like a horrible dream. If we seek medical help, we may be told that we’ve acquired OCD or some other psychological ailment. However, this isn’t likely, as this preoccupation with our “skeletons in the closet” is just another benzo withdrawal symptom. It goes away just as the other benzo withdrawal symptoms go away.
How To Cope
What can we do if we find ourselves stuck in one (or more) layers of benzo withdrawal guilt? We can gently observe the emotions without getting hooked into believing their dire messages. We can remind ourselves through positive self-talk, that guilt is a common benzo withdrawal symptom and will go away as our receptors heal and our nervous systems settle down. Extending compassion to ourselves goes a long way in helping us avoid the doom and gloom that benzo withdrawal wants us to believe.
Practicing love for ourselves helps us bypass the darkness of guilt. It can be helpful to write down positive statements about ourselves and post them where we can see them daily. Daily affirmations of positive encouragement also help. Distraction is also helpful. We can find things to do that take our minds off of the preoccupation of guilt. The mind often follows the hands, so it is good to engage in something that requires the use of our hands. Gardening, painting, knitting, etc. can give us some relief from the guilt, even if for only a little while.
Remember that guilt is another benzo withdrawal symptom. it does fade away in time. You won’t be stuck in that dark place forever. Of course, if you are struggling with guilt to the point that you can’t cope, please seek help. Talk to someone who can listen and love you. Surround yourself with a caring community. Perhaps work with a benzo-wise therapist or counselor. Spiritual Direction is also helpful, as is gentle massage from a trained bodyworker. Some people find that acupuncture can be helpful (others feel revved up by it). Gentle Yoga, breathwork, prayer, meditation, and other contemplative or energy practices can give some relief. You’ll need to find what works best for you.
What has your experience with guilt been like in benzo withdrawal? Feel free to leave a comment and share with us.
Yep. In my case, guilt over not having a career.
The most difficult guilt for me has been over prayer – I don’t pray enough or well enough, I don’t have enough faith when I pray, etc. I prayed about prayer and asked God to teach me about prayer and how to pray; I read books on prayer. I still feel that benzo guilt about prayer but am able to recognize the LIE and ignore it. Meanwhile, my prayer life is more satisfying because God has responded with affirmation and I am more secure in prayer. It is about God first then about me and my concerns. When I “can’t” pray, God still “hears” my heart!
Guilt was a pretty common feeling for me even before med withdrawal – all those things you mentioned, Jenn, and more. Going through this process has brought healing from false guilt; God has been showing me the difference between true conviction/guilt that leads to repentance and forgiveness and false guilt that needs to be ignored.
I look forward to you posts, Jenn, you have such a wonderful way with words here and in the “Soul Reminders”. Thank you.
Oh my, I would say that I am experiencing more regret then guilt. I regret so many things that I did & didn’t do when my filter was out of wack due to benzos. I would like to build new neural pathways that would strengthen positive memories. Do you recommend any particular exercise for this?
Terrible guilt over stupid things I did in the past and self blame for having made myself ill in the first place and loosing 22 years of my life to illness and pain. Constant memories of when I was happy and devastating grief at the loss of all the hope I had as a girl. Feeling like I will go to hell or have died and am in hell.
I have guilt about the ways I cope with my symptoms. For example, my worst symptom throughout withdrawal has been extreme anxiety/fear/terror. For some unknown reason, I get some relief in the very late night (actually early morning) hours. Around midnight or 1 AM, the anxiety begins to loosen its grip a little, and I’m then able to engage in some normal activities. I often go out for very long walks during these hours. It’s not until 4 or 5 AM that I feel calm enough to go to bed. As a result, I don’t get out of bed until early afternoon. This obviously puts me out of sync with my family, and causes them to worry about me and even resent me. This is just one example of how the severity of my symptoms has forced me to engage in unusual behaviors, which I feel guilty about. In benzo withdrawal, my life has become very strange, and it is having a negative effect on those who live with me.
Guilt that my husband suffered with me during a 4 year taper and the first year after jumping, only to die before we could get close again.
My heartbreaks for my husband and son, and friends, because I can’t be the wife, mother and friend that I used to be. I’m in a medically supervised taper, with a wonderful benzo wise psychiatrist and therapist, but I feel so stuck. Trapped in the horrible cycles of withdrawal and side effects. Depression is becoming more prevalent and I don’t want to begin taking an antidepressant. I feel weak and lack the energy to really participate in my old life. That life is gone and I wonder if I’ll ever attain it again? The guilt of being in this situation is overwhelming, how did I get here? One prescription, written by one dr, who never explained the backlash of taking this drug. I didn’t even understand what benzos were, it was a sedative. I trusted in a psychiatrist who didn’t deserve my trust and I have had to live with the guilt of that and the horrible taper I am trapped in now and for years to come. Somehow, I hope I can learn to forgive myself and get past the anger and guilt. I want to survive this, I really do…
When this first hit me I became paranoid. I ran from my family and friends. I didn’t know about withdrawals. Did not know what was happening. Only knew I wasn’t right and had to keep away from the ones I loved because my behavior was not right. When my doctor finally realized I was in trouble he cold turkied me off of 2 medications. Ssri and a benzo. I caused a fight in the family. But before I could address it I hit with disabling withdrawals. I hurt people with my actions very unlike me. But because of this I had no one to reach out to. My second granddaughter was born and I could not be there I still have not met her it’s been over 2 years still have not met her. I have tried to explain what I am going though but no one will talkto me about it. Guilt very much so. I have relived my hole life things I did or didn’t do right. I feel awful for the effect this has had on my husband too. His denial is awful he’s so angry at me. But won’t learn. I feel like a looser , worthless, wimp , it as if my hole world hates me now. Haven’t been able to leave the house akathisia is unbearable, inhumane and barbaric. Terrified 24/7. Can’t distact . Yes the guilt is consuming. I can’t do anything no cooking , cleaning, watching tv. Nothing ! I no longer sleep in the same room as my husband. And because he won’t talk to me I feel guilt ! I have not been a grandmother or a mother or a daughter. I was supposed to be the one who took care of my mother. Instead I upset her and disappeared. Again guilt because she doesn’t understand. I have come to realize tho I did nothing wrong. I trusted my medical professionals. I am lucky I am alive! I was injured badly. Extremely serious injury. I had to learn to write my name again. Now I worry if I will be kept safe long enough to heal. I will not survive this alone.
the guilt of being here is overwhelming.!!!.the worst is feeling alone and no one REALLY believing you it hurts and not trusting doctors at all…but I realized how much Jesus suffered for me and loves us so much to do that and through this I am changing into the person I wanted to be too..He uses our suffering to change us and I hang on to Him every day.. He is my rock I can’t do it without Him ..I pray every day for healing and it will come for us…trust it will!!! ❤️