It was hard enough being so incredibly sick and disabled in benzo withdrawal, but to be ignored or abandoned by friends and family broke my heart in ways I can’t find words to explain. The pain was excruciating; worse than my burning skin, bone, muscle, and joint pain. It was worse than the searing head pressure, or the nerve pain that jolted through me. It was even worse than the constant neuralgia. It was one of the hardest pains I had to learn to navigate.
In the beginning, I thought that my family (and friends) understood what I was going through. I got my first wake-up call that perhaps they didn’t understand when I told my parents I might need to go somewhere to stay safe. Living alone and trying to take care of myself was becoming too difficult. I was bedridden from weakness and out of my mind with fear, both classic benzo withdrawal symptoms. My father said to me, “Are you just seeking attention?” My heart shattered. I had assumed my parents understood how sick I was from my failed taper and then my cold turkey off a benzo I had taken as prescribed. But that was just the start of my heart ache with friends and family. I won’t share all of the details; they don’t matter. All that matters is that friends abandoned me, and family pulled back on their contact with me. My family did step up to the plate and help me financially, (which I am eternally grateful for) as I was unable to work for many years as my brain recovered, but for the most part, I was left to fend for myself emotionally.
I know many of you are in the same boat. You’ve been abandoned by friends, and your family’s compassion is wearing thin. What can you do to cope? Here are some suggestions:
- Know that anyone who has not gone through benzo withdrawal will be unable to understand the depths of your suffering. Don’t waste your time trying to explain your withdrawal symptoms to them so that they “get it.” They can’t. Share your concerns with people who do understand the withdrawal process. Find some benzo buddies you can trust and share with.
- Do your best to shore yourself up emotionally. One way is to develop a relationship with God as you understand God, Higher Power, Source, whatever you like to call it. When you have something outside of yourself to lean on, you will be less needy of your friends and family. And yes, I know that it can be hard to tap into our spirituality while we are in benzo withdraw, but do try. An honest conversation with God as you understand God, even if filled with anger, can be cathartic and supportive.
- Do your best to understand that people are not perfect. People that you thought were there for you before may not be able to journey with you to the depths of your despair. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of their time and attention, it means that they have limits on how much empathy they can feel. It is a statement about them, not you.
- We all have “fair weather friends.” They were never going to be able to go the distance with us. We may have enjoyed their company, but they were not there for us in the ways that matter. To lose these friends is not a great loss. Most likely, you would have lost them at some point anyway.
- Understand that your sorrow over being ignored or abandoned is magnified in benzo withdrawal. Every perceived slight from friends and family felt like an atomic bomb going off in my brain and body. Once I was more healed, the normal rough and tumble ways of relationships washed over me like water off of a duck’s back. Know that your emotional intensity is due to the chemical brain damage from the benzo. You won’t always be this sensitive.
- Do your best to be a friend to others. I know it’s hard in benzo withdrawal to step outside of the “benzo bubble” and to be there for others. But it helps if we can summon some amount of physical or emotional energy to give to others. I know we are exceptionally needy in withdrawal but do try to put aside your cares and concerns and to be there for someone else.
- Shift your focus from what you’ve lost, to what you are grateful for. Do you still have people in your life that are standing by you? Give thanks for them, even if there are only one or two of them! Gratitude helps us to feel better.
- Find things to do to distract yourself from the focus of your symptoms. For me, it was gardening. What can you do that will help you take your mind off of how sick you feel? Taking your mind off of your symptoms will help you cope.
- Learn to practice extreme self-care. Eat as healthy as you can. No gluten, lots of fruits and vegetables, lean quality meats, bone broth, herbal teas (no chamomile) and some healthy non-gluten grains. Reduce your exposure to stress. Avoid people and situations that rev up your central nervous system. Be mindful of your self-talk. Tell yourself that you are healing. Self-care helps us to feel less bothered by our friends and family members who aren’t there for us.
Neglect or abandonment from friends and family hurts. I cried a river over friendships lost and the emotional distance that sprang up between me and family members. I had to learn how to forgive those friends that came back into my life, and I had to reach across the divide between myself and my family and let go of the hurt. The general population has no idea the intense suffering that benzo withdrawal can cause. They don’t know how desperately we need support and reassurance that we are going to recover. We can forgive them for their ignorance.
Turn to the people who understand benzo withdrawal and lean on them. Let them lean on you as well. Know that not all of your friendships may make the journey to recovery with you, but the ones that matter will. Appreciate those people who are still standing by you. Let them know how much you treasure their love and support.
So true jennifer I’m so sick of trying to make people understand most people say. , it’s all in your head or what are you doing to help yourself or they think your lazy and it starts to make you despise them !
This is a really awful thing that is happening to me , I’m having suicidal thoughts and worst homocidal thoughts towards those responsible for this. , I’m not a violent person and would never do anything like that but the thoughts are constant especially upon waking , did you or anyone reading this have those horrible thoughts ?
I loved this post…exactly what I needed at this phase of my withdrawal. Many blessings for sharing!
Thanks for this.I am grateful for you.We are never alone when we have brave souls that help guide us through this turmoil.You Jennifer,your essence is so pure and honest and relatable.Can’t ask for more than that.The list of tangible tools is what we need,with a understanding that we need to put our energy in to Healing not convincing people what we go thru!Tough,and lonely but true.Lean on those who do get it!
I just had a dear friend, who means well, invite me out. When I declined (I’ve been housebound for months) she wrote saying that sitting around dwelling on this won’t help. When your mind short circuits over a dozen times a day leaving you panicked, delirious, confused and sobbing, one can’t help to have this on their mind. I kindly wrote back, can an Alzheimer’s or dementia patient help it? Or someone who has had a traumatic brain injury? This is a brain and central nervous system injury dear heart. She probably still won’t understand so this article is very timely. Thank you.
Jennifer, you’re right – what hurts most is feeling abandoned, and I blame a lot of that on how misinformed the public is about it. On the other hand, had I not experienced withdrawal myself, I might not know what to make of a family member/friend who was feeling literally insane. You make a good point, too: the emotional sensitivity we feel is off the charts. Only later when things calmed down a bit, did I tell people: you realize how bonkers I was? And they would say: you seemed okay to me. And I thought – how is that possible? I was OUT OF MY MIND. And it just shows that what we feel is not what people perceive. (Especially if they don’t see us all that often as we bunker down, away from people.) Finally, I admit, I’ve had to deal with my own anger/jealousy of feeling like other people have been spared from suffering; they just don’t “get it.” They seemed to have it easy. But as I’ve been feeling better, I realize that everyone suffers. Maybe not to the degree we have, or at the same time, but you don’t leave this earth without a lot of scars. That helped me feel less alone.
Again many thanks Jennifer. Just as disheartning is when friends don’t get is when they don’t listen to your pleas to realize what they are doing to their own health with these drugs. I have several friends that are taking benzodiazepines and I have begged them to get on the Internet and see what they could potentially face in the future if they reach tolerance or have to get off for some reason. They don’t want to hear it. Either they think I am exaggerating or they trust the doctors more I guess. Unless they reach the point the pill is not making them feel good anymore, they just won’t listen. I’ve planted the seed and I just hope one day I don’t have to watch them suffer as I have just because they wouldn’t listen. Like Wendy said we just have to focus on our own hearing rather than convincing others. So sad…wish I had had someone to warn me.
EXCELLENT article.
You covered it all Jennifer!
I went through hell and experienced
It all too.
Eleven months out from a cold turkey on klonopin that I was taking for 3 months along with 3 previous
Months of Ativan.
I am a nurse and should have never allowed myself to go into detox by the advice of the doctor.
I was desperate to get back to work and feel better and now 11 months out and better but still experiencing troublesome symptoms and unable to work.
To all the people who read this blog
I say have faith and know that you will get through this terrible ordeal.
We are loved with an Everlasting love !!
Jennifer you are soooo right!! I have gotten to the point that I shut people out before I would have to endure the pain of them closing me out. Things family have said to me have broken my heart. Feeling so misunderstood, and fighting for my sanity. This is such a lonely existence. So hard.
Hi Jen, when I read this I cried!! It was like I had miraculously written it. I decided at the off that I was doing this alone, it has been horrific!! I have terrible neuralgia in my face and eyes, but live with the hope that you give me that it will go away. I’m so scared that I will loose my job as too unwell to attend. You have been my companion since my awful journey started and for that I am eternally grateful, you are my friend and my inspiration when I feel I can’t continue on this path.
warm wishes
Jackie
Edinburgh
I have a few questions. I am in trauma focused therapy once a week. How do I get help processing the trauma I have experienced at the hands of psych meds? This trauma is not well understand or recognized by the medical community. It is hard to describe how my symptoms of severe anxiety can be traumatizing to me and that it is something happening TOO me and not my internal anxiety especially since I already have PTSD. She can help me with DBT skills, but to help me process what happened is tricky and I am not even sure what to ask for. We have been making analogies and personifying the drugs, because I do feel as though I have been assaulted by them. I also have issues with connecting online because other people’s stories are triggering to me. My family has abandoned me, but my husband has not. When ever I practice gratefulness for him, I become obsessed with the notion of losing him and then paralyzed by fear.
Just thought id add there is a site calld “benzobuddies” that can be very helpful if some of you havent heard of it.
Anonymous, I share your sentiments exactly. Could not have said it better myself. What one family member said to me early on in my recovery, absolutely devastated me. I had to cut out all communications with her. The sad thing is, is that she’s been taking the same drug, for many years, and she can’t see the harm she’s doing to herself. What’s coming down the pike for her later on scares me. Fear is still my number one symptom to deal with but this is definitely number two. I gave up trying to explain withdrawal and recovery to people about 2 years out. It just causes more stress and anxiety. Thanks Jennifer, for everything.
Kathy, what you said also,100% true!
Unless you are totally healed, trying to process trauma, any type of trauma, may be challenging and rev up your withdrawal symptoms. Is now the time to do that type of work? Only you know for sure if you are ready. Avoid any type of counseling that is only talk therapy as it may cause reenactment without resolution. I’d find a well trained trauma specialist to work with. Google Dr. Peter Levine or Bessel Van der Kalk. (Spelll?)
You are most welcome! Keep healing.
The truth hurts but
Misery loves company………
Thank you for this post Jennifer. I greatly appreciate and relate. God bless you and everyone fighting the battle.