WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING!
This post is about death obsession. Please don’t read it if will disturb you.
During my taper, I had a long list of crazy symptoms. It felt like bugs were crawling under my skin. My legs and arms jerked as if I was a puppet on a string. My entire lower trunk tingled. It felt as if millions of bees were stinging me. I was convinced that someone had rubbed vaseline in my eyes as everything was blurry. Then there were the waves of fear and horror that would wash over me out of the blue, for no good reason. The insomnia was pretty awful too, as were all the other symptoms I’ve not mentioned. But I was soldiering on as best as I could. Until I couldn’t. That’s when the “benzo expert” I saw pulled me off of .625 mgs of Clonazepam with the help of phenobarbitol.
My doctor told me I could withdraw at home, but after three days, I landed in the hospital. I have yet to be able to write about my time in detox. That’s when the hallucinations started. That’s when the ice cold terror gripped every cell in my body. It’s when the real hell began. I went home from the hospital a broken woman. Utterly and completely shattered. When I walked into my apartment, everything was the same, but nothing was the same. Everything felt foreign and evil. The worst of it was that death was everywhere.
As many of us do in benzo withdrawal, I obsessed about death. I had never in my entire life, even during extreme stress after life-threatening trauma, obsessed about death. But I did then. Uncontrollably. I’d wake up to the thought that one day I have to die. Terror ran through my veins quick as lightening. The fear was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Almost all of my waking thoughts were about death. I could distract for small amounts of time, but the thought would rush back in as soon as I turned my attention away. I was terrified that I would live the rest of my life with the thoughts.
My obsessional thoughts lasted a very long time. I felt totally insane, unable to control my thoughts. I lived in a state of fear and terror twenty-four hours a day. I was convinced that the thoughts and fears were indicative that I needed a medication to get through life, But of course, that wasn’t true. Once my brain healed, the thoughts stopped. My fear of death became even less than what it was pre-benzos! I’m stronger on every front since I’ve recovered from benzo withdrawal!
I wrote this post not to frighten anyone, but to reassure you, that even hardcore cases of obsessional or intrusive thoughts resolve on their own. I was hit very hard with the death obsession (it’s a fairly common benzo withdrawal symptom) and I know firsthand how challenging it is to live with. If you are suffering with it, and you were brave enough to read this post, (reading the word death can trigger us terribly!) know that your brain is going to heal. You won’t think about death and dying all day forever. I promise. If you are a medical professional reading this post, please know that obsessional thoughts are very common and normal in benzo withdrawal. They are not cause for medication or any type of therapy. They resolve on their own, in time. If you are a caregiver, please know that the person you are helping is suffering tremendously with their thoughts. They can’t control them. Asking them to “Think happy thoughts!” is counterproductive. They would if they could. They can’t. Not right now. What people who are suffering from obsessional thoughts need is reassurance. Lots and lots of it!
One of the ways in which you can cope with obsessional thoughts is to distract. Keep your hands and mind as busy as you can. Sometimes, I’d have an intrusive thought and I’d say to myself, “Delete. Delete. Delete.” That coping skill didn’t help much, but it gave me a sense of power that I was letting the thought know it wasn’t welcome. What helped more than fighting the thought was to step back and observe it. I didn’t judge it. I just watched myself having the thought. That coping skill was more effective once the fear and terror began to fade. It was hard to be a neutral observer with ice cold terror coursing through your veins! Another way I coped was to remind myself that I was healing, and that “This too, shall pass.”
Our brains heal, in time. We go on with our lives. We even forget the hell we lived in during benzo withdrawal. Life tastes sweet again. Please hold on and keep healing. I know when benzo withdrawal is over you are going to be amazed by how strong and vibrant you are!
What coping skills do you use when you have obsessional thoughts? Feel free to leave us your thoughts and ideas. If you reply to anyone’s comments, please be kind, respectful, and encouraging!
“I felt totally insane, unable to control my thoughts.”.
Another great and supportive post Jennifer! Though it does not apply to me at this time, your words of encouragement to those who don’t panic reading it brought hope. What hit home was the line I pasted above. That is me right now to a high degree. I hate it! One more note – I have been off of clonazepam for one week! God bless you!
Hi Jenn, I’m still extremely traumatised by this whole ordeal, now I am so focused on what is wrong with my body and brain and being unable to fix them. The whole side of my head is numb, my eyes hurt to move them, my ears are full, i’m covered in electric shocks, my arms don’t work properly and i’m shuffling around off balance. All this after breaking my back and leading a normal life.
You comfort me
With love
Jackie
Edinburgh
Hi Jenn, Your posts are so much appreciated! Just reading your experiences with “benzo withdrawal” is so reassuring for me. I can relate so much with that terror, the “death” preoccupation, and thinking for sure I was going to die. It was horrendous! The thoughts, along with the physical symptoms, go hand-in-hand to make this experience so devastating! I truly thought I was going crazy, and that I would lose my home, my car, my livelihood, my loved ones…… my everything. I was so sure I would be diagnosed as having schizophrenia and be put away in some institution. My eyes are welling up as I write this, It was so traumatizing!!
I get intrusive death thoughts frequently. I detach from it and say oh that’s just that with drawl obsessive thinking. I don’t criticize myself for it I just try and detach. It’s just the chemicals talking. An overlearned memory maybe.
I have been a caregiver for 9 months. These articles have been a very large part in my understanding. I would read them, and then often show them to my daughter (age 23)as reassurance that she would eventually heal . This all is a devistating discussing problem that the doctors are prescribing these pills that are very often a death sentence. I have never ever seen anything so horrible in my life- seeing my daughter suffer and tell me she’s in hell for 9 months! Every last doctor should be ashamed of themselves for giving this poison to people!! I wish every last one of them mental torture (I’m very mad at doctors)
I would like to agree that reassuring and love is a must for a caretaker. My daughter is not completely well yet, but she is MUCH BETTER. Thank God. If you are a caretaker, believe me, I know how absolutely horrible it is . You will feel as though this person is crazy or ruining your life or that they are exaggerating- I promise you, they are not ! This is real, horrifying life for this person right now , but please don’t give up on him or her. They need you more now, than ever. They are truly suffering. It took me a lot of reading and time to see that my daughter wasn’t losing her mind, she had been poisoned and her brain damaged by klonpin and Zoloft. The doctors will tell you that these withdrawal symptoms are not real and that your family member has an underlying mental condition. F*** them ! Your family member more than likely does not ! They are just trying to survive and seem completely nuts in the process.
Thanks so much Jennifer for your articles! You have no idea how they have helped.
If you are suffering in benzo withdrawal , I’ve seen your hell first hand, please know that you WILL GET RELIEF, YOU WILL GET BETTER. My heart goes out to each and every one of you stuck in this torture. Stay strong
This is a good reminder that it really can be the worst of symptoms and for this one is the very worst for me.I am so glad I have a tool kit full of things to pull out when this one comes.Usually I just sit and watch this thought of dying and I Let my husband know That it is Happening so he can just help me talk myself back to where it is safe.Thanks for being open and honest about this symptom as it needs attention so we can help ourselves out of despair.This too shall pass!
Thanks Jennifer for another great post and all the time and effort you extend to all of us going through this hell on earth. I have never really feared the dying. Quite the opposite….I fear every day that I have to continue living like this. Many days I think dying would be such a relief. Hopefully one day when I am well I will feel so blessed to be alive that I will then be concerned with death a little. God give us all the strength and peace to turn that corner and find ourselves back among the living….I have faith it Will come one day.
I can relate to all of the physical and mental things you speak of
It makes me wonder if there is something else going on bc it is so extreme
I didn’t use for 18 years it was 4 mos
And yet I see people damaged in a matter of weeks
The D word is on my mind
My dreams I reach up for God.
The. I read that that is a sign of transitioning
I fear my heart won’t be able to withstand this pain
Thank you for your post
Georgie, I wish you were MY caregiver. I have no one, basically. I’ve told my family that this is my worst symptom. I thought some of them got it but when they turn around and say “just tell that ole devil to leave you alone or just go away,” I realize they DON’T get it. If this was some kind of spiritual attack I wouldn’t be in this hell, because I went into this fully prepared if it was a spiritual battle.When I see that people that don’t have a spiritual bone in their body, heal, that tells me that it’s not a spiritual thing. People have made me feel like a spirit of fear has taken over my mind, will and emotions (soul, if you will). I had to cut those people out of my life, temporarily I hope. They would not research bezo withdrawal and try to REALLY support me. Thanks Jennifer for telling it like it was. I could have written your post myself, if could write as well as you. I, too, was not afraid of dieing before all this started. The fear set in at 5 months out and I’m starting month 33 today. The other day I commented that I was having a good day. I actually had 3 in a row. The partial window slammed shut and I was back in hell like I never left even for a brief time. That’s why I don’t like windows. This wave has been 11 days so far, after short window. I couldn’t even comment on the last post of Jennifer’s, I felt so bad. I didn’t even write in my journal. I can only hope that this is the mother of all blood bubbles and it breaks.That would be a glorious day. Benzos are Soul Sucking Pills and should be banned from the world. Who ever invented this “medication” MIGHT have been spawned by the devil, but I will never give him the satisfaction of thinking” he’s got me NOW”. Any thoughts, anyone? Thank you again, Jennifer. ♡
Angie, I totally understand what you are saying. This is all so hard but especially when you have no help or support. Like you said friends and family don’t want to read about what you’re going through because it scares them….they really don’t want to understand because that would make them more accountable to helping you. And yes, I think Big Pharma and doctors all turn their heads and keep hurting people not caring one day that they All will have to answer to God for their greed. God is on our side and I truly think when we are healed we will be stronger and better spirits for having gone through all this. Love will prevail and we will conquer. Hang in there Angie and everyone else. One day we will be on the other side where Jennifer now is and life Will be sweeter!!
Kathy, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for reminding me of what I’ve known all my life. That, even though I can’t FEEL Him, He’s there. If I could make one symptom go away it would be FEAR. As I keep preaching to myself, perfect Love casts out fear. Early on, after the fear set in, I had a window fly open one night for several hours. ALL fear was gone. I mean all of it. I’ve been afraid to fly all my life and I never have flown.That night I could have gotten on an airplane and flown around the world. The window closed before morning and all the fear was back. I wrote in my journal to “try and never forget what that felt like like.” But its impossible to remember once its gone. Because I had that happen to me, it should tell me that it will happen again. I am so glad I didn’t know at the beginning, that it was going to take me years to recover and not just months. I don’t think I’d have made it. This way, we just keep pushing through, cuz we never know what might be just around the corner. I guess thats hope, of which I had none of for a long time. The only good thing I can say about the fear of death is that it has kept me alive! If that makes sense. ♡felt thank you.
This post rang so true it brought tears to my eyes. Though I’m not out of the woods yet, I am luckily past the “terror” phase, where thoughts of death plagued me. I obsessed about death, dying, reincarnation, even the nature of Time, and I felt utterly insane. Disconnected and fundamentally alone. Isolated, as if I was floating behind glass, hyper-aware of everything. I felt as if I was doomed to a reduced life, with no other outcome than to end up on the street. This is not a success story, but it is a story to say: it does pass. The terror fades. The high anxiety fades. The OCD fades. The agoraphobia fades. The intrusive thoughts fade. The floating fear for no reason fades. I’m in what I call the Long Linger between the terror and being fully healed, but I am so happy to be out of that place. And once you FEEL and experience healing – even if you are still symptomatic – you know it’s only a matter of more time. I survived (by a grace I don’t understand) the worst. I can make it through the rest. It’s still annoying as hell, but there is light ahead. Benzo withdrawal can kiss my ass. I’ve been boxing this beast for over a year, and I thought it would damn near kill me. (How it didn’t, I still don’t know.) But if it hasn’t done me in by now, then it won’t. I’m beating it. I’m still standing. Soon, I’ll be walking. And one day, I’m gonna be running at full speed. Take that, you benzo bastard! You picked the wrong mo-fo to mess with.
Hi Jennifer,
Wow the thought of DEATH.. I came so close to it. I had been on Xanax for 14 years, my new Doctor wanted to wean me off. I had actually gone to see him to up my dosage because I was feeling terrible. At this time I knew nothing about tolerance. My new doctor cut my dosage by 33 %. He didn’t mention anything about taper withdrawals and of coarse at the time I had no clue or insight. I was in withdrawals and did not even know it. I began drinking heavy as it calmed my nerves and discomfort…. of coarse I only added fuel to the fire. I could not get more Xanax – booze I could get. I thought I was dying… I thought I was going to have a major heart attack. I was in such disorder. Again not knowing as I do now about the effects of Benzos I cold turkeyed myself… 12 days of hell. I ended up in the hospital and behavorial health unit. I went back to taking my 2 mgs of Xanax, again not knowing about the Benzo hell, not one doctor, nurse or psyc. (sp?) told me anything. My 1st hospital stay was Feb.3, 2016 I was sent home without a clue. Continued the Xanax, the booze going through hell it brought me to the point I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE on Feb. 21st 2016 I attempted suicide. I ended up back in tje hospital. I was in hell… no one in the hospital explained anything to me, the staff Psyc took me off Xanax cold turkey. I DID NOT WANT TO DIE 😇 but thought I was going to.
It has been 1 year now since my attempted suicide… the Benzos brougjt me near death. I thank GOD I am alive. I have no thoughts of death now. I am Benzo free 1 year and healing. I wake every morning with a smile.. You Are Alive Yeah and thank GOD. How do I cope now… A cup of coffee and Jennifer’s Soul Reminders first thing in the morning 😘 It felt good to share this with you all on this 1 year mark. Thank you Jennifer for this blog and Soul Reminders….
With Love & Gratitude, Jerry
Hi Jennifer,
I had a thought I wanted to share. As you know and have so kindly shared with us here… the current medical field is so blind to the Benzo blight across America. How many people have died as a result. I was lucky… what if I had been successful in my suicide…. would it have been written off as… oh he was depressed with no link to the real cause Benzo Damage ! I am a happy guy but the thoughts of this ignorance makes me sad knowing what is happening. My heart goes out to all the innocent souls suffering in this Benzo Hell. Thank you again Jennifer for being a leader and for working toward change and bringing light to this serious medical nightmare.
With Love & Gratitude, Jerry
To Jennifer and all friends , what are you’re opinions of talk therapy as in a physiologist , any good reports , I know they can help people with anxiety , intrusive thoughts and rumination but is it helpful for us in benzo hell , I’ve mostly heard it is useless because of the damage done to our brains
It may be helpful for some, but I don’t think that traditional talk therapy works in withdrawal. We don’t have the ability to process our emotions or our thoughts, so to try to
think our way into a better emotional or cognitive state doesn’t work. Therapists aren’t trained to recognize that our thought patterns, fears, and reliving of past wounds or shame are simply benzo withdrawal symptoms. They don’t mean that we have some “disorder” that needs treatment. Many people in withdrawal are told by their therapist to see a psychiatrist! They don’t understand that the meds a shrink wants to prescribe are the reasons we are so messed up. There are very few trained psychologists who understand benzo withdrawal and know that someone suffering in wd needs a lot of reassurance and hand holding. I worked with a counselor the first few months after my cold turkey. She had gone through wd herself many years ago, but even then, she didn’t know as much as she should. She thought medications would help (She drank herself almost to death in her withdrawal) and she said that weakness and fatigue were not caused by benzo withdrawal, because she “couldn’t remember having those symptoms.” Use caution when working with a therapist. They may matters worse by trying to convince you that you have something other than benzo withdrawal. If you have a lot of trauma in your history, be very careful of working with a therapist who wants to revisit that trauma. You don’t have the bandwidth to process it right now. You don’t have enough working GABA receptors to be able to calm down after talking about such events. It’s called reenactment without resolution. A lot of therapists are guilty of this even with people not in benzo withdrawal, so use extreme caution.
You are welcome. I am glad you are still here on the planet! We will eventually win this battle of educating doctors about the dangers of these medications. I have great hope that soon, everyone will know that these meds shouldn’t be taken for more than a day or two.
Jerry, you are very welcome! Thank you for your kind words. I am so happy you are still alive and healing! I know good things are in store for you.
Hi Dave, I’ll second Jennifer’s thoughts on therapy. I went to a therapist for about a year during the worst of my withdrawal, but I went in with the understanding that I already knew what was wrong with me. All I needed was some support so that I wouldn’t drown my wife with my off-the-wall emotions and fear. In that regard, therapy was a life-saver. HOWEVER…I had to spend a lot of time educating my therapist about benzo withdrawal, and I resisted when she suggested I see a psychiatrist. Would I recommend therapy? Yes and no. It could’ve damaged me if I didn’t stick to my guns. But like I said, for the support it offered, it was very helpful. And I’ll add this: it was helpful for me in the long run to sit with someone in a safe space, even as I felt like fleeing, or my DP was going through the roof, and to realize that I was safe and okay. It helped “train” me to know my symptoms, while being very uncomfortable, would not hurt me. That then allowed me to take more and more steps into the wider world.
PREACH IT JENNIFER! YOU ARE SO VERY RIGHT!!!♡♡♡♡
Yeah that’s what I was thinking , your emotions are so out of control one cannot simply make rational and logical decisions , and as for addiction specialists , yeah they might be ok for heroin and Ice addicts but they have no idea about benzos even though they think they do , what sort of a idiot reduces someone from 8 Mgs of xanax to 20 Mgs of valium and says get off it in a month by reducing 5 Mgs a week , seriously no wonder I’m completely messed up , now can’t reinstate because the drugs just don’t work anymore and all the damage and stress is done .
Anyone else get reduced to fast and are now stuck on a medium dose and can’t reduce ???? What to do to combat and beat this and get off the poison for ever ????
Jesus Jennifer that story is so awful it must have felt like you were on the worst acid trip of all time. , how did you function and the fear just grows and grows making your anxiety skyrocket. , seriously how did you get through it ??