When the darkness of benzo withdrawal overtakes my rational mind, (the part of me that trusts I am healing) and I silently scream “I want my life back!” I am reminded by something powerfully innate in my soul: there is nothing to mourn.
Benzo withdrawal IS my life. There is no need to mourn what was, because there is only now. The past is past. That is true for everyone, not just people going through benzo withdrawal. When we accept what we have on our plate now, we suffer less.
Sure, I miss being able to get out and do things I used to do. But I know that in this time of recovery, life still has purpose. I am, as Eleanor Roosevelt put it, “tasting the experience to the utmost.”
I don’t want my old life back. I want the life I have right now to be as full as it can be given my new limitations. I don’t want to squander these months, or the coming years in recovery by being closed off to the experience I have now.
I like to think that I am like the caterpillar that transforms in his chrysalis, his wings of freedom growing and ready to take him to places he could only dream about as a caterpillar. My down sized life in benzo withdrawal is my chrysalis, holding me, until it is time for me to fly.
I don’t want my old life back. I am excited to walk, day by day into my new life, one that has been forged by the fires of withdrawal, making me stronger than I ever knew I was.
Just for today, let go of your grief for what was. Look for signs that this life today, is transforming you into a healthier, happier person. Then tomorrow, do it again. Let go. Accept. Your healing is taking place just as it should.
Stop wanting your old life back. Accept this life now. Taste the experience. Allow it to change you into a new, healthier you.
To your growing wings of freedom,
You have a lot of words of wisdom in this post not only for those coping with benzo withdrawal but for everyone making changes in their lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I had a love affair with Valium in the 90s, I did everything, I went everywhere, I had love and friends and it was magic then I was switched to Ativan and everything changed I became a hostage to the pill did nothing went nowhere lost everything. I miss Valium in a very sick but romantic way.