34 months out. It’s been getting deliciously better. Bit by slow bit.
But the beast is a tenacious one. Doesn’t like losing the battle. It keeps getting up from the mat and staggering around, throwing wild punches. I got clobbered by one this morning.
Yup, you guessed it. Wetsuit time. (Sigh.) Gonna have to ride this wave.
It started yesterday morning. But I pushed through it. Was in a business meeting most of the day. Able to sit and ignore the symptoms. Was in a second meeting late into the night. Again, no problemo. Ignore, Ignore, ignore.
But this morning, after I blogged, made a fresh raw orange, apple, beet and ginger juice and sipped it down, the beast whispered, “Not so fast there pardner…” and WHAM, blanketed me with all my usual crap. I am pushing through it as I always do. But I gotta say, that taking a shower this morning was a challenge. So very weak. Head pressure. Tingles. I know one day it will end, and the beast will be rendered mute (and kicked to the curb!).
If you are like me (hopefully not!) and in protracted withdrawal, keep your chin up. Don’t lose faith. It’s gonna come to an end one of these days. I am grateful that I am getting longer and longer periods of time in between the shitty stuff.
I was JK about the wetsuit. Ya’ll know me by now. I pulled on my overalls. Its garden time! That’s the way I ride the waves the best. The work I was slated to do this morning can wait. It’s extreme self-care time today. I’m going to go sow some seeds for summer flowers.
The beast can mess with me all it wants. I am not giving in nor giving up. Like any bully, eventually, it will give up. The trick is to ignore it. So I shall.
Jenn thanks for sharing. I had extremely busy day yesterday. Reading about others helps. Reaching out to others helps. I don’t like the constant preoccupation with myself how I’m feeling what I’m doing self evaluating. Have an appt tomorrow outbid town and the agoraphobia is the beast kicking me. Don’t want to go don’t want to cancel. Any thoughts strategies? A long trip one hour each way can be exhausting. Trouble making decisions.
Jenn, it sounds like you are at a great place of acceptance now. That’s a good place to be. We don’t like that we’re still having symptoms, but we know it just means there’s more healing taking place. You’ve come a long way and you’re about to get there. What an awesome feeling. Soon it will all be in the past and you’ll have your new life ahead of you. God bless
Only you know what is best for you. I pushed myself to do things, even when I was terribly anxious. But I also respected some boundaries too. I didn’t take weekend trips away from home for example. And further travel away was totally out of the question. You can make an attempt to go and turn around and come home if it gets too much.
I used to tell myself I can be anxious here or there…. and often struck out to go places.
Sometimes it was ok, other times it was a horrible time of sheer terror. But, I tried. 🙂
Let us know how it goes, either way.
yes it will be in the past one day. At least I know how to cope. I had a busy work day planned but when it hit so hard this a.m. and showering was a challenge, I ditch it all. Garden time! I know how to take care of myself these days.
One day I will wake up and feel great. I really do believe that. There is a recovery story on Recovery-road.org (bliss’s site) where the woman took firve eyars to heal. She was a long time user like me. So, I know I am not a complete outlier that my healing is taking so long. I’ll get there. One day at a time.
Everything except the ginger was high sugar content like diabetics use to up their sugar very rapidly when they get too low. I would never be able to drink that even on a good day.
Holly, how far out are you now? I’m one week away from 15 months and still have a hard time driving to my sisters house one hour away. I suddenly get real panicky and the agoraphobia kicks in. It got better for a while but it’s back in full swing. Still have bad head pressure and balance issues which makes it doubly scary. Like Jenn, I still try and sometimes it works out and sometimes I can’t get home fast enough. Like you, I do what I can to take the focus off of how I feel. The whole process is so exhausting
Jenn, does the weakness go away during a window and then return during a wave? I appreciate you so much! So proud of all your healing. Keep us informed.
When I am in a window I feel great! I can walk, garden, dance… etc. When the waves hits…. watch out! I feel soooo weak…. like everything is an effort. My legs dont feel that they can hold me up.
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer. I really haven’t had a good window in forever, and forget how that feels. Your reassurance means the world to me. Love you!
I got slammed with a wave a few days ago. It took me by surprise just how BAD it felt. 🙁 I know how hard it can be to hold and to hope when it SEEMS that healing isn’t or won’t happen. BUT…. we have to keep going and rise above it. I have learned to surrender and to trust God. Blindly. Which means even if God wants to lead me through some scary stuff, I WILL GO. I’ll hold his hand REALLY tightly and maybe even cower behind him, but I WILL GO.
I love you all so much. You don’t know how much my online benzo family has kept me going. I am so grateful to all of you.
Keep putting one more benzo. booze, z drug, etc day under your belt and voila! one day, we will be healed.
Thank your for those words of encouragement and determination! I need them right now (wave of physical symptoms – 57 months out)