My fall from grace, as I used to think of it, was swift and hard. I went from being an incredibly well-paid, sought after coach, to being bedridden and unable to put coherent thoughts together. Wracked with pain and weakness and suffering from extreme anxiety, panic, and paranoia, my career was toast. There would be no more flying to meet clients. No more interviews with the New York Times or TV and radio interviews. No more contributing to Psychology Today online. No more calls from TV producers who were interested in creating a reality show around my work. I was a shell of my once vibrant and vital self. I’d look in the mirror at red veined eyes staring back at me. Who they hell is that? I’d think to myself. It was me, of course, deep in the clutches of benzo withdrawal.
As the months passed I felt more and more trapped. Barely able to walk around the block, my life became incredibly small. Most days I never left my bedroom. Those were some of my hardest days in recovery. I chopped off my hair (which used to be my trademark) because I was too weak to stand in the shower to wash it. I lived in sweatpants and tee shirts. Brushing my teeth was painful so I ignored dental hygiene. Ditto for any other hygiene. I stunk and I didn’t give a damn. I was holding on for dear life. One morning I pushed myself out of bed; the pain, weakness, and depression so dark and heavy that it took all my energy to fight through it. Something inside of me said, “Go plant a garden.”
“What? Are you freaking kidding me? I can barely stand up for Heaven’s sake!” I answered. (Actually, the conversation was a bit more colorful than that, but this is a G-rated blog.) My legs were incredibly wobbly, but I staggered down the hallway and stumbled out into my front yard. That moment in my yard was the moment my life went from small to big because that was the moment I decided to save myself! I decided to heed that voice and garden as if my life depended on it because it did! I don’t know how I did it, but I pulled out grass and ivy. (I hired help sometimes when the work was too strenuous.) I planted vegetables and flowers. They gave me a purpose, a reason to wake up in the mornings. I’d want to see what new bloom had opened during the night. I’d want to pick the artichokes or the tomatoes. And I enjoyed meeting so many people who walked by my front yard.
People came by to see the flowers and they’d join me for tea in the garden. I made many new friends. Everyone had a story. Everyone was suffering from some challenge. I learned to listen. I learned to extend compassion. I learned to take the focus off of my own suffering and be present for others. I ran out of my savings a year into my recovery. Poverty was always a big fear of mine and there I was staring at it face to face. Before benzo withdrawal, I used to worry (this is so hard to admit!) about running low on money and not having enough to pay for my Botox and collagen injections. Can you believe it? I really used to worry about that type of nonsense. There I was in benzo withdrawal not able to afford a haircut and do you know what? I was becoming happier and more fulfilled with myself than when I was Botoxed and financially well off! No kidding. In my small life in benzo withdrawal, my heart was expanding in ways that no jet travel, no paycheck, and no beauty treatment could enlarge it.
The secret to living a big small life in benzo withdrawal is to get out of your own way. Reach out to others and be there for them. Learn to listen. Cultivate life in some way, even if it is petting your cat or dog, or raising a houseplant. Appreciate life! It’s a gift, even in benzo withdrawal. Be mindful of where you put your focus. Are you lasered in on your pain and suffering or are you focusing on something outside of yourself? For me, the garden became my focus for quite a few years. It became my work. You may not want to garden, but I am sure you can find something that you can put your time and attention to. You don’t have to be perfect at it. I made so many mistakes learning to garden. I killed a lot of plants! I didn’t let that stop me. I also didn’t let my pain, dizziness, derealization, weakness, etc. stop me. I used to hobble around the local nursery practically hallucinating. My reality was very skewed for a long time. I learned to live with it.
I am grateful that the horror of benzo withdrawal is behind me. I could go back to my old career if I really wanted to resurrect it. But I don’t. I’m incredibly happy with this life I am leading now—wrinkles, gray hair, a small paycheck, and an incredible amount of love from all of you recovering from benzo withdrawal. I really do have a very big life now! I always did, even in withdrawal, because I had what was most important. I had love. I created it in my garden and it expanded to fill up all the dark, lonely, and broken places in my heart. I started this post with the idea that I used to think that my benzo withdrawal was a fall from grace. It was not. It was just the opposite. It was a rising up to become my best self.
If you have love, you have everything you need, really. If you don’t have enough love in your life, give some away. More will come back to you, I promise. Your life may be small in benzo withdrawal, but it can be as big and expansive as you allow your heart to be.
Here are some of my flowers over the past few years:
Delphinium, Drama Queen Poppy, Campanula Persicifolia, Papaver Hybridum, Zinnia, Big Bear Sunflower, Asclepias Physocarpa, Red Courtesan Sunflower
(Purchased at AnniesAnnuals.Com)
Best blog! It gives me hope :). “Only” 8 months off (worked my first 5 months off, now home and sick after taking benzo as prescribed for about 2 years) but proud that I managed to stop taking these medications. Never again taking any benzo. Most of the time is living hell,but I will get to the other side of benzo some day. Looking forward to be normal again.
Thank you for sharing your recovery – your garden with us 🙂
Anhedonia, the worst side effect of Benzos as far as I’m concerned. First you have to HAVE love before you can give it away. I can’t even function without Love. (God)
I was inspired by your post today…thank you. It is difficult sometimes for me to get out of my self focused world because life can look pretty bleak at times. By sharing your inner strength and hope with others, the reality of recovery becomes more real. Many blessings lady! P.S. When do you sleep😀
Jennifer,
Beautiful story, brought tears to my eyes this rainy Monday Morning. Your expression of your journey is an inspiration to those going through Benzo withdrawal and other hardships and challenges. Hope does spring eternal like those beautiful flowers you’ve grown in your garden!
Anhedonia is by far the worst symptom for me. First you have to HAVE love before you can give it away. I can’t even function without Love. (God) I can fake it sometimes but it feels very hypocritical. I’ve even tried to FORCE love to come back. You can’t do it. I have asked, begged, pleaded, bartered, and yes, even threatened God, to no avail. I guess it will happen in His time, not mine.I was hit right between the eyes the other day by the scripture that said “He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is Love. Really shook me up. I have even thought that somewhere along the line I must have committed the unpardonable sin and He WITHDREW His spirit from me. I guess I’m back to the fear thingy again, becaue perfect love casts out fear. Fear is behind everything for me.
We need to remember that love is two things. It is a noun and a verb. In withdrawal, we lack the ability to feel love (noun) but we don’t lack the ability to show love (verb). I didn’t feel love for a very long time. All I felt was an emptiness that stretched on for miles and miles. I thought it would never end. But I acted lovingly towards my garden, my friends, and strangers who stopped by to look at my flowers. By focusing on my garden and not on my own misery (as best as I could do that!) life wasn’t as bad as than when I focused on myself. That’s the message of the post. Put your attention away from yourself. Care about something other than your suffering. Extend kindness and compassion to other living things. That’s the ticket to living a bigger life while our parameters of our lives are small in benzo withdrawal. I hardly ever went outside of a three block radius for years, yet I lived a very big life filled with magic from the garden.
I’m glad my post gave you hope. There is so much hope in benzo withdrawal. We do come out on the other side, and we are better people in the long run if we keep our hearts open and allow the healing journey to make us better instead of bitter!
Thank you for your kind words. I sleep between 10 Pm and 6 or 7 Am. Like a baby most nights, happy to say! My insomnia is long gone. Thankfully!
I learned that in order to love myself I had to BE loving to others. That taught me how to be kinder and more compassionate with myself. The more I learned how to love others, the more love I had in my heart overall. I also had more love for God as I understand God. I had to hold onto God every day. I had to believe that a consciousness greater than myself called me into existence and loves me. I’m not very religious, but I am deeply spiritual. I feel God’s love in my life every moment.
Happy New Day Jennifer,
Thank you for YOU ! Yes your spirituality shines bright as you – cast the rays of hope, light for all to see. Bless you ! God doesn’t need more followers, he desires more leaders… He has a GREAT one in you 😇
With Gratitude & Love, Jerry
Jennifer, I have an honest and sincere question for you. You posted your success story on BenzoBuddies when you were 2.5 years off, then I believe that you went into a horrible 6 month wave and couldn’t post or blog. Did the mental symptoms come back along with the physical or was it mostly or just physical? Also did the mental junk leave bit by bit or did you wake up one day and just noticed it was leaving or gone? I REALLY need something to hang onto today. Thanks.
The mental came back. It was really a very hard time for me. I thought I had lost my mind, for sure. I was convinced I just needed a pill of some kind to get through life. But once the wave lifted, it was over. The mental stuff went away. I have a post that will publish soon about it. Keep an eye out for it! The mental went away slowly. One day I realized it was over. It wasn’t that I woke up one day and was better. It was a process. It really was one of the hardest periods of my recovery. I was exhausted from the long journey of the taper then the cold turkey and the decent into hell. But when the wave was over, I was amazed with how sweet life had become. Keep holding on. You’ll get here. I know it takes a long time for some of us, but the long journey is worth it. I promise.
Jennifer, thank you so very much. That’s encouraging. I had what I refer to as a “God window” at about 8 months out if I remember correctly. It was absolutely amazing. By morning it was gone. I remember it being so painful to be thrown back into hell that I asked God to please not let me have any more windows until my healing was near completion. I still had some minor God windows after that but nothing like that night. I wonder if I got what I asked for? hmmm…
That last comment was from me, Angie. Not anonymous. Thanks.
Angie how many month off are you ? Am 2.5 years off actualy 30 month off and far away beeing able to write any succes story in fact am in accute since day 1 off. Symptoms never went away am stuck in hell lost 30 month for nothing .
Y
How long are you ?
Hi Jennifer, your posts lift my spirit, I too love nature and from my window I watch the small birds go about their day. I long for the day that I can go out and feed them again and smell the sweet smell of freshly cut grass. I asked god last night to give me strength to carry on.
Pil, I am almost 32 months away from a cold turkey of 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I have never had a true window. Just partial ones of symptoms easing up to where I could actually do something. I found a pretty comprehensive list of symptoms somewhere on the Internet and I have had them ALL except vomiting, menstrual (I’m 63), and nose bleeds. I am down from about 200 sx’s to around 45. So I guess it does get better over time. It’s just so suttle and takes so very long. I was on K. for 20 years, and hit tolerance very soon after starting. Didn’t know what it was though, so I have muddled through the last 23 years of my life. Feels like I’ve LOST 23 years. But today I have some hope that the end of this nightmare is just around a couple more corners. (Thanks Jennifer, for giving hope to me) Hang on Pil, we are around the same time frame. I too have felt like I was back at the beginning several times.My time line really DOES mirror Jennifers, but I know everyone’s healing is different. Gotta have SOMEONE to hang onto. Angie
Can you contact me by mail angie at pilz54@live.fr to speak about your symptoms to compare with mine ?
Pil, yes.Trying to send a message but don’t know if it got to you. Angie
Jennifer
Did you suffer from dp/dr
How where you able to talk to family and strangers without spinning out and thinking that those people where judging you , I have to talk to strangers and family and I avoid it because I’m unable to do it comfortably , thinking that everyone things I’m some sort of fruit cake
So how did you combat this or didn’t you feel all freaked out when you spoke to people ?
Dave jennifer wasnt as bad as you think for having read her blog she was gardening speaking to neighboor having cofee with them even read she went to a big baseball match or football i dont remember exactly .
Those things are impossible to do if you are not this bad as we are.
Take with a grain of salt when people on forum or online say they went through hell because most dont have 10% of intensity that have severe case
Dave you are probably in severe tolérance and undermedicated. Thats what happened to me when i tryed to reinstated at a lower dosage than i was before quitting. And thats what happen to all those whome jennifer talk about who reinstated and failed. They are scared and go back to a small dosage and get immediately messed up by tolerance and dp dr and anxiety become pure torture.
You switch from 8mg xanax = 160mg valium and you are on 1.5mg klonopin= 30mg valium
No wonder man you need the right dosage for your receptor to be enought stimulated or you are purely in tolerance
I edited your comment to remove the swearing. Please refrain from that type of language. Also, your idea that people get into tolerance only because they reinstate to the wrong (lower) dose is incorrect. People go back to higher doses and still have problems. The truth about reinstating is that some people hit tolerance, or they have a worse time tapering, no matter what dose they go back to.
Pil, I am shocked to read your post saying that Jennifer’s symptoms weren’t “as bad as you think.” You must not have read the same blog I did, where I heard about the horrendous physical and mental symptoms she endured for years. Believe me, I am not defending her because I think she is helping a lot of people or because she has helped me. My intent is to make the point that no one should be comparing their level of suffering as greater or less than another’s. How can our experiences be compared? Much of our suffering is impossible to even put into writing because there are no words for it. And, on a blog venue like this, many of us, including myself, have had family members or friends not believe we are suffering at all. This hurts and makes it harder for us to recover. I’m sure Jennifer doesn’t need your understanding or validation and she has already recovered. But I, for one, would like to know that this is a place where my experiences will not be measured up as easier or harder than someone else’s. It’s a destructive attitude and smacks of spitefullness.
I did have a very hard time talking to people. I was often freaked out. I had intrusive thoughts all the time. It made listening to a conversation very challenging. There were times when I just had to be alone, as it was too much to cope with. But I did push myself a great deal. I wanted to be in community, to have friendships, and so I sucked it up and suffered through a lot of situations. There were many times I wanted to run away screaming, but I knew I’d look like a crazy woman!! I had to do a lot of self-talking to be able to stay in a conversation. I was worried that people could somehow know what my thoughts were but of course, they couldn’t. It will get better for you. I don’t have any of those issues now. It resolved on its own.
It doesent get better in 30 month. So what now ? i continue to waste another 3 years suffering hell hopping i will be able to socialize again after loosing 6 years of withdrawal ?
I am sorry that the comment was upsetting to you. I’ve added a comment policy to the website. You can read it here: https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/comment-policies/
People who don’t follow the guidelines, or in any way upset other readers, will be banned from commenting. I work hard to ensure that this website is a safe and welcoming place of hope and encouragement. I won’t allow someone to change that!
Hi Jenn,
I love the idea of living a big small life in withdrawal. Thank you for offering ways that we can cultivate meaning during this difficult time. You are an inspiration.
Jennifer,
The hardest part for me is when i have to venture beyond the small world I am comfortable with at this point. I have a 15 and 9 year old and i have to find ways to feel ok doing things I am not ready for. I had to go to a science fair for my youngest daughter and I had a full on panic attack. It is so hard to put myself out there to have people witness the dread I’m feeling but I suppose I should be grateful that I am able to get out of bed. Thank you for being here!
It will get better! The panic will subside, in time. I’m glad you are doing your best to have a positive attitude!
Thank you for your kind words. I know if I can heal and create a great life post-benzo withdrawal, anyone can!
My main worry is I’m still on 1.5 Mgs of klonopin and every time I try and reduce it’s undo able , I become completly regarded , so how am I going to get down to 0. , it seems that most people here are off. , what’s gonna happen when u get to 0 , I can’t even imagine it. , I’m thinking I’m gonna be totally retarded and end up in a mental hospital , the so called addiction specialist cut me off over one month and I have been a total mess for over a year , they all day once your off you start to improve but I just don’t see it happening. , thoughts anyone. ?
Dave,
I am sorry you are suffering through this. Can I ask you how long you have been on the benzo? I was on.5 just for under four months. I thought I was getting much better then last night I got burning sensations throughout my body. The psychiatrist told me benzo withdrawal takes 10 days!! Ya right. I am scared and People don’t understand. You truly have to walk in one’s shoes. I pray for your recovery as well as all of us who on this scary journey. Is this burning sensation possibly part of withdrawal ?
I have heard that burning sensation is even though I haven’t experienced it , you only took .5 mg for 4 months , how long have you been off it ? What other symptons are you experiencing ? I took xanax for 7 years , lots if it , was fine until I stopped , been on valium now klonopin for the last year and it’s just not happening. , sitting here in. 40 degree heat , wishing I could go to the pub and have beers with friends like any normal human being would be doing but I’m stuck here in hell instead
Dave,
Did you start to taper because you wanted to or was it doctor’s orders? I hope you have a good strong support system. Like Jennifer mentioned, it will take time but you will heal. What are your symptoms? As for my symptoms, I would get heavy chest pains and it would happen when I was driving or just any random time, also dizziness after standing. All kinds of muscle jerks behind the knees and all over. I really had major sensitivity to lights and sounds, so of course had trouble with groups or gatherings. It is amazing how little doctors know about this. So the psychiatrist believes I would be done with symptoms in 10 days while the ER doctor said 6 months possibly, even on my small dose. The medical community should be trained for this so doctors aren’t all over the map on a consensus regarding recovery. I am going to pray for you Dave. Wishing you healing.
I wanted to , I saw an addiction specialist and he destroyed me , went from 8 Mgs xanax to 20mg of valium , my life is over there is absolutely do way I will recover , I just had breakfast for my dad’s birthday and all I wanted to do was punch him in the face because he makes jokes and has a happy life where as I’m in hell and every comment people make about how good anything is is like a slap in the face , my brain is totally destroyed and it gets worse everyday and I’m not even close to being off benzos , the man how used to be my best friend and the person who I loved more than anything is now a person I don’t even know anymore , because of benzo and the genius who put me on them not a second goes by when I don’t think about walking into the drs office and
So at this stage there’s no recovery no hope just insanity that running very thin
I am so sorry you are going through this,does your Dad know what you are going through? It is so hard when you are suffering to be part of something like your Dad’s Birthday celebration but good for you for trying. It sounds like it was a bit much. it sounds like your friends haven’t been there for you at times. It’s painful to see relationships suffer too, especially when you need support.
So did you switch from the Valium to klonipin? I am not an expert at all Dave but I have heard that making small tapers is the best way. Have you read the Ashton Manual? It shows different tapering schedules according to what you were taking. I just hope that you get the help you need from someone who really understands what you are going through and has solid experience in benzo withdrawal.
The so called addiction specialist took me of 8 Mgs xanax put me on. 20 Mgs valium , that was over a year ago , he told me to go from 20 Mgs of valium to 0 in a month and ever since then if been in hell. , I can’t take valium it does nothing so I switched to klonopin but I never stabilised and everything I try to reduce the klonopin it’s unbearable
Yes my dad thinks he understands , he thinks that “you have to listen to the doctor ” actually he doesn’t have a clue , he thinks I should get a job so my mind has to work itself again and I will repair my brain by doing so. All my friends just say , go to rehab or NA , nobody understands what benzos do to your brain , the addiction specialists have no idea .
They are dangerous and they all say the same reduce slowly and you’ll be fine , can’t win because I can’t go back to my original dose and reduce properly and I’m in tolerance now and have been ever since so I have no where to run , I trusted the doctors and they destroyed my life .
Do you suffer from dp/dr and intrusive thoughts and visions , it’s like psychosis I’m guessing because this is so not normal
You can’t go to rehab because for heroin , ice and alcohol addicts , benzos are a differant ball game and no one understands that benzos make you retarted , so what of you do ??
I don’t have the Dp/dr but i have heard a lot about this so I know it happens a lot. How often does this happen to you? I would get angry and aggressive while tapering and confront strangers if I thought they were being rude. This is not like me at all! i am a 49 year old mom.But Dave i have had visions before on other meds. I have even believed I had some horrible disease. When all the doctors said i was fine. My Mom and Aunt take xanax every night and they also tell me just take the pill do what the doctor says. They don’t realize the day they want to get off what will happen. I know it seems that rehab are catered to heroin because even Stevie Nicks who had a klonipin addiction for years said getting off of heroin is easier. She was taking much more than you. It doesn’t sound like a job would be ideal for you right now unless it was part time. Are you able to go for long walks and do anything to get your mind a break? I wouldn’t recommend anything hardcore right now because exercising intensely at the gym is what caused the burning for me. Sometimes doing the “right thing” backfires. Do what is comfortable and doable for you. i wonder if Jennifer had the depersonalization? She was on this for many years.
Yes. I had DR. It was intense for quite some time.
I can’t confront people to tell them off for being rude because I’m too scared , I can’t even say what I want to say because my brain doesn’t work properly anymore which is really hard because I was very switched on and had above average intelligence and wasn’t scared to tell someone off if I didn’t like what they said , my stepfather also takes xanax everyday and has so for 20 years and he is fine . I didn’t sleep the other night so I took a valium tablet and it totally reversed on me. , I had a panic attack and flipt out , tried to go to the toilet and felt like I was being pulled in all directions and I had no body only a head , then I tried to lie down again and ended up having a conversation to Osama bin laden about chocolate bars , that’s not normal something is definately very wrong in my brain .
The worst thing is not being able to go out in public and seeing people living normal lives that’s what is killing me being a prisoner in your own head is hell .
Your so lucky not to experience dp/ dr it’s absolute hell .
JENNIFER who did you handle the dp/dr and the insane thoughts , I can’t find anything remotely enjoyable enough to distract myself and the depression is destructive
I am sorry you are struggling so much. I remember those days. I had the strange conversations in my head too, usually as I was trying to fall asleep. I’d never had anything like that in my entire life before. It was scary! Once my brain healed a bit, they stopped. We know that that symptom is just benzo withdrawal. It does go away. I coped by gardening. I planted flowers and veggies. My whole front yard became my canvas, so to speak. I also learned how to draw watching YouTube videos (Mark Criley is the best teacher!) and I painted. I’m positive that my desire to create kept me going. I wholeheartedly encourage people to be relentlessly creative in benzo withdrawal. Learn to do something. Make something. Write something. Keep your hands and your mind as busy as you can, even if you are bedridden. Think of the artist Freida. She was bedbound recovering from the bus accident and she learned how to be an artist. You can find ways to be creative even if you are bed or couch bound The trick is to try!! Don’t allow your negative thinking to tell you that you can’t do something. Push a little and see if you can. You may be surprised. Being creative won’t magically make the symptoms go away. I wish it was that easy! But it will help you to pass the time and to hold on. Do you best to play every day. And by play, I mean to explore. What happens if you smear some red paint on a canvas? What happens next if you add some yellow? Let your creativity be open ended. See what happens next. Don’t judge whatever you are creating. Just let it become whatever it wants to become. Life will get better. I promise. You’ll recover. Life will once again, be incredibly sweet.
I have become so suicidal that I just doubled my benzo intake , from 1.5 Mgs to 3 Mgs of klonopin , I will feel better for a few days but then have to go back to 1.5 , there truely seems no way out as I can’t see how I’m going to get of the klonopin , it’s seems impossible .
Jennifer
Should I go to a higher dose and slowly attempt tapering again or stay at 1.5 and try to bare it , I’m not doing well and have tryed reducing 5 times , I believe the damage was done at the start when the addiction specialist took me from. 8 Mgs of xanax to 20 mg of valium to taper to 0 over a month , I beleive that’s when the damage was done , your thoughts please ???
Dave, thinking about you and so sorry that this has been so rough. Please find someone to talk to,someone who can listen and help. Know that I am thinking about you.
Thank you Barbara
Jennifer what is your opinion on anti depressants , I’ve tried them in the past but they don’t seem to work although Ashton seems to think they’re ok , in fact I stopped mirtazapine and had a 24 hr panic attack and thought I was gonna die. Some claim to help with anxiety but I don’t beleive it , I don’t really want to put any more s*** in my brain , what are you thoughts , thanks , because my depression is inhumane ATM , didn’t even know it was possible to be so depressed , did you struggle with severe depression. ?
I know Ashton says we can take them, but I think we know more about AD now than when she published the Ashton Manual. First, we know that AD change the brain. Getting off of them can be as challenging as getting off of a benzo. They are not harmless; no psych med is. We also know that they can increase suicide ideation and violence. Second, they don’t do much to alleviate depression in benzo withdrawal. I was desperate for relief and I tried Remeron, a tricyclic and an SSRI. Both were a disaster for me. I’d avoid the use of medication in benzo withdrawal if possible.
Dave, I can’t say what would be best for you. Many people report that updosing doesn’t work in the long run. I’m proof of that. But you were dropped way too low of a dose of Valium. 8 mgs of Xanax is equal to 160 mgs of Valium. Have you asked the question on Benzo Buddies? I wonder of there are other people in your shoes who were dropped so quickly and they updosed to see if they got more stable. I am sorry you are suffering so much.
Yes that was over a year ago and have been fiddling around doses ever since so I fear the damage is done , have never stabilised but like you say it might be harder to taper from a higher dose of klonopin it seems that there is no way out really
And remeron is an awful drug nearly killed me trying to get off it , put on so much weight and made me so dizzy I’d fall over in the mornings
What’s your view on circadin , meletonin I can’t sleep without it but I fear it may be causing more distress , I don’t know as it is synthetic
Melatonin is a hormone. In some countries, it can only be sold via a prescription. I am anti anything that isn’t a food substance. But that’s just me. I was so harmed by my doctors that I won’t ingest anything other than food. Everyone has to find their own way and to live with the consequences of their decisions. I’m happy to live with the consequences of not seeing a doctor or taking any meds. Having said that, lots of people in wd take melatonin. Some also take an antihistamine. The worst things to take are anti-psychotics because they remodel the brain and can have their own wicked withdrawal syndrome.
Jennifer, once again you have stated a beautiful message of hope and strength. I have been saying this message for a long time. Living a big life within the constraints of our illness is the best way to get through benzo wd as gracefully as possible. I didn’t garden but I did help run a benzo wd group. This is what gave my life a deeper purpose. This is what got me out of my own head everyday. You only need to help another to help yourself. It sounds like a cliche, but it is true. Focusing on my own pain, only made it worse. I choose to focus on helping others and I was lucky to have found a way to do that. Some may think I still have a small life but I know those people who I have been blessed to have in my life because of this, have made my life a very big life indeed.
Thanks Jennifer for your opinion , it’s just so hard to try and live a normal life while going through this hell. , my father gets angry at me because I don’t want to go out with a friend of his to help him in his job fixing air conditioners , he thinks it will get my brain working again to be out in public and join in .
My latest trauma is being so lonely living by myself and having lost all my friends and having no partner. , I wake up so alone and depressed .
Did you have loneliness and difficulties contacting your friends whist you were in hell ?