Trauma from childhood, coupled with my own genetic makeup, made me an easy target for getting on a benzo in my thirties. I was full of fear and self-loathing. My self-esteem was practically non-existent. I sure didn’t love myself!
Oh, I’m still the same person I was back then — I’m still a trauma survivor. I’ve still got the MTHFR gene mutation, and who knows what else that possible predisposes me to anxiety and depression. Even though I am still “me,” I’m not the same in that I now love myself! I don’t have the anxiety and depression that used to torment me in my twenties and thirties. After living through benzo withdrawal. I learned some powerful lessons about living fully and deeply. I learned how to thrive!
The first step to thriving is to love yourself. That means letting go of past trauma and hurts, forgiving, and moving on. It also means taking exquisite care of yourself. You have to DECIDE to love yourself and you have to make a million little decisions about self-care every day. “Do I eat this?” “Do I rest now that I am tired?” “Do I give energy to this thought, or ignore it?” “Do I post that comment on Facebook that will stir up drama I’ll have to deal with?” There are so many things that we have to be conscious of!
One of the things I’m becoming conscious of on this trip, The Decision Tour, is how hard I push myself. When I have a goal, I go for it, without regard to my health or overall well-being. I’m an overachiever, you could say. This morning I had to decide which route I take to our family farm in Georgia. (I need to be there by April 8th at the very latest as I have a big obligation on the 9th.) My old instinct is to drive a great distance today so that I can get closer to the farm, faster. But, I am tired. Driving so many hours in two days has triggered my lingering low-level benzo withdrawal symptoms to flare up a bit. I’ve got tingles, dizziness, and a sense of movement. My tinnitus, which is always constant, has grown louder and higher pitched. My body is letting me know that I need to take care of it. And so, I will. I made the decision to drive to Sedona, two hours away, and stay at the home of a client (who prefers anonymity).
I had to ask myself this morning, “What is the most loving thing to do?” When I use that question as my guide, my decisions are often much different than the ones I’d make purely based on my ego. My ego says, “Push faster and harder and get things done!” My heart and soul, the loving part of me say, “Rest. Relax. Take in the beauty around you. Stop. Slow down. Breathe. Enjoy this present moment!”
Sedona it is, then! I’ll see if I can book a massage or some type of body work today. I’ll drive to visit a vortex; Sedona’s famous healing spots! I’ll soak up the sun. Tonight, I’ll drive out beyond the city limits to gaze at the stars and give thanks for my life, my time here on the planet. What will you do today that is the most loving response for yourself? How will you take the very best care of your body, your mind, and your spirit? It’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to say “No!” to doing things that pull you away from your peace. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to find quiet time to practice gratitude. (No matter how sick you are in benzo withdrawal, there are always things you can find to be grateful for.)
If anyone is the Sedona area, I’d love to connect with you, if I can. From Sedona, I’ll be driving highway 40 to Georgia. If you are close to my route, I’d love to meet up with you!
Think good thoughts, make good (loving) decisions!
Just want you to know,I like reading your posts as they take me on a journey away from my journey but I feel like we are on a similar journey,which makes me feel very much apart of you,and your journey,which means we are not on this journey alone.I have never met you but I really appreciate you and your wisdom.xxxxxp.s glad you are listening to what you need on any given day!!
I am following your posts along your journey;thanks so much for your wisdom and insights;makes the suffering I am going thru more bearable knowing that you understand and offer support.Would love to meet you;I live near Charlotte NC;will you be anywhere near this city?
I am in Franklin NC, right on your route to GA. Would love to meet up. I am 4 months Benzo free and fighting like crazy.
Awe Jenn what a beautiful post. My heart will love me again, someday. You are a go getter but you do need the balance between work and rest, I agree. I worry that my life is passing me by at the moment, and there is nothing I can do about it, but as you know I feed the birds in my garden and try and focus on a healed me, back to work having fun and still looking after the birds. I hope this tour is everything and more, and if I was across the Pond, I would get there no matter what. You keep me going Jenn, and your words have meant more to me than anything. Keep smiling, keep trucking and life is yours for the taking.
Hugs and love across the pond
Your friend
Jackie
Edinburgh
This is beautiful! I love asking myself the question, “What is the most loving thing to do?” It is such a simple practice in self-care. Thank you for teaching it to me, Jenn. I wish you much joy on this Decision Tour – you certainly deserve it!
I am in Kansas I would love to get coffee or lunch with you and talk about our benzo experiences. I have been in withdrawal for almost 8 months and think i am at the tail end of it would sure like to talk to someone who can help me through the last part of this and maybe you can share my story to help other people.
Dear Dr Leigh, I have been following your blog from the early days. I am 39 months clod turkey. I am still suffering regular waves. At what month did you stop getting waves?
Many thanks
I can still get a wave of mild body symptoms. I’ll be 6 years off this June. The mental symptoms lifted after my three-year wave. Make sure that your diet is clean and that you are limiting your stress as much as possible. Things should smooth out in the future. I know it seems to take forever, but it does go away. Even my current baseline is getting better and better over the years. Don’t lose hope. You are healing!
I would love to connect with you if I can. I’ll be posting my trip the night before, so keep a look out for my route. I am glad you are healing quickly! That’s always good to hear. Keep going. It only gets better and better.
Thank you! I am experiencing joy. A great many interesting emotions as well. Allowing them to bubble up and be here. I’m so grateful to be unmedicated and out of withdrawal so that I can experience them fully. It’s sorta like my best friends have returned! I know that the best parts of me are returning. I embrace them tenderly. It’s a very sweet time!
If I come close to you, I’d be happy to stop. I am headed across highway 40, so not sure if that crosses your path or not. I will head back through Colorado, which takes me on a more northern route.
I will be driving highway 40 from Sedona. I’ll head back to San Fran via a more northern route through Colorado. I haven’t looked on a map yet to see if I’ll be close to you or not. I’ll be posting my journey, so we can keep in touch. I’d love to connect if I can.
My childhood background sounds very similar. Very challenging while in withdrawal. I thought it was behind me 20 years ago, not so in benzo WD. Thank you for discussing self love and needing to forgive and move past trauma. Im making great strides in that direction through WD. More so than than prior to benzos. Sedona is such a magical spiritual place. Thank you for sharing this journey. Look forward to next chapter. I have a lovely home in Las Vegas/Henderson with guest rooms, if you find yourself stopping in LV on the way back.
We are really close to 40, on 441
Hai Jennifer, I have been reading a lot about the MTHFR gene mutation. I have had health issues since I was a child involving my immune system and being chronic fatigued. I’m going through benzo withdrawal right now, 7,5 months off and doing ok. I’m just so incredible tired, no matter how much I sleep. I have had this for years, even though I eat clean, exercise and sleep enough (for a ‘normal’ person). Did you have a test done? Is there something you take as a supplement that is ok? Thank you in advance, I love reading your blogs! Love Kim