Finally! I have more hours of a quiet mind these days. The pain, burning, tingling and fatigue, and some other wd sx still hang around, but its better. All in all, its much better. I am 25 months out from a cold turkey after a failed 8 month taper that had me bedridden.
If I look back on what it cost me to get free, I get sad. So I do my best to stay in the present moment. It IS hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have been sick for over two years. Close to three when you factor in the taper, and many, many years when you factor in tolerance withdrawal. But thats all behind me now.
I want to give you hope. I want you to know that we heal. We really do. Do we heal 100%? I don’t know. I hope so. But even if I never got better than this, I could have a relatively decent life.
When I was so sick for so long, I worried that I would never get better. I worried my brain was damaged to the point of no return. I thought I would be anxious forever. Panicky. Paranoid. Weak. Tired. Burning. Tingling and in pain, forever. I was afraid the anxiety I felt when they put me on K would come back. It has not. What I felt was the anxiety that goes hand in hand with benzo withdrawal syndrome. It is almost all gone. For that, I am grateful.
My brain in wd told me a lot of lies. That’s the way a wonky GABA receptor deficient brain goes. Don’t believe the crap your mind is telling you. Wait till you are healed and you will see the difference.
I wish every doctor in the world understand this crazy withdrawal syndrome. I wish doctors would stop handing these pills out like they do. And I sure wish we got support from our doctors and families. Keep turning to you benzo buddies who understand to get validation and support.
I am slowly getting my new company off the ground. I wont be writing much here anymore. It is time to slowly move away from the benzo withdrawal syndrome chapter and on to the next chapter waiting for me to create. One day, you will be ready to move on too. It may not feel like it at the moment, especially if you are super benzo sick, but you will be. I used to dream about the day I could go from chore to chore freely. A day when I could focus on something other than the looping or obsessive thoughts, or the focus on wd. I am there now and it is so, so sweet. I still have a few whispers of some benzo thoughts, but they are whispers. I can ignore them.
I have grown so much from this ordeal. I am a better person for this struggle. I would have liked to have not gone through it, but I did, and it has changed me for the better. I have much more love and compassion for myself. I dont sweat the small stuff anymore. I rely on God more too.
My emotions are still hair-trigger some days. I can cry over happy things at the drop of a hat. But all in all, everything is leveling out.
I am grateful for my healing. I am grateful to all of you who have gone along with me on this painful dark journey.
Please know that there is an end to your suffering. I was as sick as anyone can be in WD. I had a list with many many many sx. I was in the hospital a handful of times. I could hardly walk for months. And the mental stuff hit me very hard. That’s all gone now. Yours will go away too.
Hold on everyone. Take good care of yourself and believe in your healing. It is taking place everyday. One day, this will all be a faded memory.
I am already forgetting the horrors and making room for new, wonderful experiences.
Keep fighting the good fight.
None of us deserved this illness. None of us deserved to be let down by the medical profession. Let down and ignored and disbelieved. But here we are, warriors every one of us. I have the deepest respect for you and your healing journey.