Since I threw myself into the deep waters yesterday, writing about my time in detox, I might as well keep swimming. Warning! If you are extremely sensitive right now, you may want to skip this (and future) post about my recovery timeline. I want to be helpful, not hurtful.
I honestly can’t remember the exact timeline of when symptoms started. The first 12 months off were, hmmmm…[what’s a professional, articulate way to described fucked up?] horrific. Beyond imagination. No kidding. No exaggeration.
Most of the time, I prayed for death. “Stop my heart, willya Big Guy?” But at the same time I prayed for death, I was terrified of it. TERRIFIED. I thought about it ALL day, every day. I woke up to hellish terror every morning, my first thought being, “I have to die one day.” I had a horrible case of benzo withdrawal intrusive thoughts, and looping thoughts. My benzo buddy Mary and I called my death thoughts, Grim Reaper. She would text me every morning, How Are You? How is GR? I’d text back, I’m fucked up, GR loud and clear. There are no words I can use to paint how completely terrified I was, every second, of every day. I told a friend it was like being on acid while a nasty man in a black hood shoves you in front of a wall, with you staring at a firing squad. It was that kind of fear, only more so. It was so completely irrational. But that is what happens to our thoughts and feelings when we don’t have enough GABA receptors working. Mine had been fried after almost 2 decades on that poison. (Thanks Doc!)
My first year off was marked by my death obsession, panic attacks that were much worse than my original ones ( I don’t have ANY panic anymore, and no anxiety really to speak of) and the physical symptoms. I was bedridden a lot the first few months off.
Around three months off I decided to start gardening. (This saved and changed my life. Strongly recommend it.) I drove to the hardware store, shaking, terrified, weak, dizzy, burning… sick as shit… and bought lumber and hardware to build raised beds. The clerk helping me was polite and friendly, but I couldn’t look him in the face because his face turned into something monstrously scary when I did. I was shaking, freaking out, and felt like I would faint, but I bought the supplies and got home. (Thankfully the store is just a mile or so away!) I hammered together the beds, my heart pounding, shaking, racing looping thoughts about death and dying, knees weak, spine on fire, eyes hurting, every muscle screaming in pain, my bones burning and aching, and the terror, dread, fear….blanketed over me, with no way out from under it. But I got the beds built!
I tore out the side yards and planted. I tore out areas of grass in the front yard and planted. I put up a three-foot black French gothic fence. Hung a tin framed chalk board on it and wrote inspirational messages for people (and for myself.) I put out dog treats and water, peanuts for the squirrels, and three types of bird feeders. I hunkered down for the healing process. I knew in my heart I would be well and back to work in six months. My doctor assured me that none of his benzo withdrawal patients took more than six months to heal. I needed to believe his lie.
The horror show continued everyday. I cried. A LOT. I would lie naked on the floor in my bathroom, sobbing, begging God to help me. Yet terrified of the thought of God. I washed dishes one day and the thought of eternity filled me with terror and panic. It was crazy. Just crazy. I still can’t believe that a drug that can do these things to someone can be legal. At three months I started getting more body symptoms. More pain. More muscle problems. I couldn’t be out in public very much. My life got very small. Before I got sick in withdrawal, I had traveled to Europe and within the US for my work. Now, I could hardly drive on the freeway. I stayed within a very small radius of my house. For years.
At four months off, I decided I was getting better. I rented an office space and focused on getting it ready. I was incredibly sick, but determined to earn a living. I was running out of money. Fast. But another phase of recovery was happening. The terror and anxiety I felt was ramping up. How that could even happen, was beyond me. But it did. My past trauma keep popping into my memory, along with horrible judgemental thoughts about my self. Add that to the death obsession and it was a pretty grueling time. I was so exhausted from it all, I landed in the ER at Stanford. My son took me. My children had no idea what to do with me. ( I don’t blame them. I was really out there in withdrawal world.) The Stanford doctor suggested that I “ask my team if I should reinstate the benzo.” I didn’t know who she meant. She explained, “your kids.” I was speechless. This was the best medical advice from a STANFORD DOCTOR? Ask my children? They knew NOTHING about benzo withdrawal and NEITHER DID THE STANFORD PSYCHIATRIST. I remember feeling totally and utterly alone in my battle to heal. It was a very dark time.
I decided to fly to Arizona and stay at Sierra Tucson so I could be safe. I wouldn’t have to face the days and nights alone. It was a good decision. It bought me time. I stayed for six weeks. Being around people helped. The classes on trauma didnt’ help at all, they only revved up my symptoms. And of course, no doctor there knew much about benzo withdrawal, but they were at least willing to read the Ashton manual and other stories on the internet.
I don’t really know how I survived the first six months off. I was so sick, mentally and physically. I live alone and it was hard to face the days and nights by myself. My kids did their best to help, but of course they burned out and stopped coming by very often. My friends dropped me like a hot potato. The life I used to know was gone. Forever. (The good news is that I have a new life now. And it’s shaping up to be a good life!)
More….. later.
Jenn:
Thanks for sharing what you have been through…you were soooo strong!!!! Im so glad that life is getting better for you….hugs !!
Jen you have come through a much tougher time than I have. Your life events continue to inspire me and give me hope. Keep posting and writing! Congratulations on the books and your work and garden!
I remember this time in your w/d, and I knew you would get through the “hell on earth” of it – even when you were still in tolerance w/d. (I was only about 7 to 9 months off then and having a go of it.)
I still marvel when I think of how much suffering humans can endure and come out of it better than they ever were.
You are one tough young lady.
Jenn….you have described my acute withdrawal as well in this post….except I did not garden nor have the mental strength to take on such endeavors as you did….I basically sat on my yellow couch all day every day for years….but my thoughts were exactly like yours….death thoughts were my ever present companion….thinking of ways to end my life, yet frightened of dying…it made no sense….I tried to ask on Bb if others had those thoughts but rarely found anyone who would say they did. The intrusive thoughts were alarming and so scary…I had a flash of me turning towards my 7 month old grandson and shooting him in the face….I almost lost my mind on that one…I have never told anyone of that thought…still can’t believe it came into my mind…..the horror of this journey is really indescribable and how we ever make it through is unexplainable. I am almost 44 months through the journey and am much more healed…than even 8 or 9 months ago….it was about that time when I spoke to Don on one of the groups….I was about to go to Walmart and buy a gun…but those kinds of thought are mostly gone for now….I just had a wonderful week….today is a bit of a down day…but I know it is just temporary. One other thing I would like to say is that this whole trial has left me with a damaged thyroid and an autoimmune condition called Hashimoto and the symptoms are much the same as benzo Withdrawal…so I wonder how much of what I am dealing with is that or still the klonopin w/d……forgive me for making this so long….your post just really hit me and I needed to write. I so admire your spirit Jenn….always so ready to keep on going, even when you barely can….keep healing….and keep going…you are my inspiration!
Hugs
Ruth
thank you so much for this. at this point in the process I need to hear this to realize that I am not an exception, particularly weak or needy, just in withdrawal hell. and that it gets better, that most of this torture will stop one day. My admiration and gratitude. Keep it coming.
Thank you,it means so much. I have death thoughts continuously and so many other horrible thoughts,I’m at 7 months. It’s such a relief to know somebody else has actually had these thoughts,along with everything else. I’m not a horrible person,I haven’t always been this way. I have had people say “oh you probably were this morbid before too”. They meant well but they had no idea and at some level I was believing that I was inflicting this horror on myself. Thanks.
Jenn, We all know here first hand about how the medical community dismisses benzo withdrawal as something not significant, boy do I know!! It really does seem very odd how the drug can cause all that we go through but it does, there is no denying it.
I wonder how that certain percentage of benzo users who come off of benzos without hardly any problem? Are they human also? lol I just can’t imagine how anyone could use benzos everyday for years and come off with no problem… I really don’t believe its possible..
Hi Jenn: yup, you described my first 6 months to a tee. I’ve been blogging about it at my place, if you care to take a look. I’m at 9 months out and doing much better. I pray that I continue to heal so that I can one day get on the other side of this thing. I’m having more good days than bad ones, and I have a lot of wonderful supportive people who care about me, so I feel particularly blessed. Thank you for sharing your words. Nice to know we are not alone.
elise
I think many of us had these thoughts, but it seems the mental component of withdrawal is the least discussed. I think there is still shame in being “mentally ill” and certainly, our minds are so sick when we don’t have enough working GABA receptors. I heard one smug psychiatrist say that benzo withdrawal “unmasked” mental illness. No! it CAUSES it. He didn’t want to believe that the drug he prescribes can do this damage. He bragged how safe the drugs are, saying that he had a patient on 8 mgs of klon. (Dear God.)
I couldnt trust my thoughts for 2 and a half years. All the benzo thoughts are gone. I feel pretty normal and happy. I know that the illness I fought for so long was NOT any “pre-existing” condition, or a “new” mental or emotional illness. It was withdrawal. Plan and simple. I am So glad its behind me. Now I cant wait for the body crap to finally leave. I know I will most likely have tinnitus the rest of my life, but a small price to pay for escaping the benzo beast. Hang in there. We do heal.
Anyone going through benzo withdrawal is NOT weak. Goodness. It is such a grueling illness. Needy? I sure was. I needed reassurance that my brain would heal and the terror, anxiety, depression and all the intrusive thoughts etc would stop. You said it right: withdrawal hell. Hold on. It gets better. One day! It took me a very long time for the thoughts to fade away. But they did leave. Yours will too. Keep the faith. Just keep living, breathing and holding. your brain is healing.
Ruth
I remember how hard it was for you. I was right there with you. It was hell. I know. I had a hard time explaining to my family what i was living through. Unless you have lived through it, there is no way to explain the thoughts and how frightening they are, and so incessant. I had similar thoughts as you had, violent, horrible things that would just pop into my head, uninvited. It was horrible. I am glad it is mostly behind you now. Whew! What a journey. Keep the faith. Love you Ruth.
Thanks Don. It is incredible what we humans can suffer through. There BETTER be a God, and something after this! 🙂
ITs hard to imagine that someone can stay on this crap long term and not get damaged. But I am sure there are some who have done it. Not me though!
I was mangled. Thanks for the reply Brain. Keep healing.
Hi Renee thanks for the reply. Glad you are doing better. Yeah~
if you want to post a link to your blog, please do. Happy to send some readers your way. I think the more we read about benzo withdrawal the more we understand we are not alone. And we are not some medical anomaly. reply with your url if you like.
“My friends dropped me like a hot potato”…
This is a common theme in benzo land. Mine did too.
Question (out of curiosity)?
Did you, since feeling better, re-kindle any of those friendships? Or did you decide that those people weren’t worth it since they couldn’t be present during your struggle? And if you did re-kindle with some- did you bother explaining what happened or just let it go?
Thanks for writing your timeline. I am enjoying reading it. Nick
Some returned. I forgave them for their lack of understanding. And I dropped some who I realized didn’t add value to my life but rather sucked the joy and energy out of my life, you know, the people that always complain. The people that are not satisfied with what they have. I now have true friends that nurture my life. It’s pretty cool.