Three years free today. I can’t believe it. It is hard to wrap my brain around the depth and duration of suffering.
A quick look back on my recovery: it was hell. Period.
Not a lot more to say.
A look forward: I expect to recover as completely as anyone can, and put this chapter way, way, way, behind me.
At 36 months free I am still symptomatic. I got slammed with a big wave last week and I am riding it to shore. Almost everything returned. The looping weird thoughts, intrusive thoughts, intense DR that stayed all through the day, and my pain, burning, tingling, weakness, dizziness and fatigue ratcheted up to almost unbearable. I have cried. A lot. I was thrown back into that horror of “Oh my God, what if I don’t heal?” It took ALL of my coping skills and then some, to stay on top of that fear as best as I could.
The good news? I have had a few breaks in the wave to see more glimmers of the real me. The spunky, sparkly, funny, creative, me. Every time a wave leaves, more of me is left behind. It’s pretty amazing.
I trust that I am still healing. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take. But I wake up, and I put one foot in front of the other. I try to do the next right step, as best as I can.
I am allowing myself the space and time my brain, body, spirit and mind need in order to heal. Sure, I get impatient at times. Who wouldn’t? It’s a long time to be sick. But I am trusting that God is carrying me. If he isn’t, my sorry ass is in BIG trouble! No way I could have done this, or continue to do this, on my own.
So, thank you God. And thank you to my benzo buddies. I hope you all heal quickly.