My dear benzo buddies,
Three years free is fast approaching. June 23 I’ll dance a little jig and thrust my fist into the air in triumph. I guess the beast got wind of my celebratory plans and wanted to try to show me who is the boss. Seeing how I’ve been working hard at relaunching myself into my career, it knew it was going to have to work very hard to get my attention.
I’m in the wave of all waves. Had you told me that this far out I could get hit this hard, I wouldn’t have believed you. But…. here I am. Back on the couch.
The good news is I am extremely productive. Finished my website yesterday. (drjenniferaustinleigh.com) I’m editing my newest book. I’ve got amazing clients I am working with. I’m just doing it all from the couch. 🙂
What I know about waves is that they eventually reach the shore and die out. I’ll ride this one as long as I have to. Another window will appear.
Keep holding on. Take good care of yourselves. Our central nervous systems remain fragile for quite some time. (Maybe forever?) We need to practice extreme self-care.
Keep the faith! I will too.
Oh, one more thing. I hired a jewelry maker to create a bracelet for me. It has really cool metal number beads. It shows my sobriety date, 1013 and my benzo free date, 0623. I’ll post a pix here thursday when I pick it up. If you want one of your own, she has agreed to make them for us. Stay tuned.
Warmly,
Jennifer
So sorry to hear this. What symptoms do you have? I will keep you in my prayers.
The question is more like, “what don’t I have?” It feels like I am in the first 6 months off. Even the metallic taste is back. It’s really bizarre. I’m weak, dizzy, everything burns, the tingles are crazy, head pressure, eye pain, bone pain that makes me want to cry, muscle spasms ( my back is so tight) seeing double, ears ringing, sweating, hot flashes, freezing, boaty feeling, to name a few. My mind is clear at least. I am working and happy about that. My body, on the other hand…..
Jenn, so sorry you’re having yet another wave. Maybe this will be the last big hurrah. At 16 months I’m having extremely tight low back muscles, terrible benzo belly and bladder problems. The bladder issues is a new one for me. Is all that pretty common at 4 months into your second year? You have to be really close to finishing up this mess. Thanks for coming back and sharing this latest wave with us. There’s nothing we can do but keep on going. I can’t wait to see the bracelet. I think that’s something I would really be interested in. Diane
Jenn, you don’t know of anything that could have set this off? I am so very sorry. I hope it will be short lived. Appreciate you so much!
I went vegan about a month ago. But I am not sure it was that. I haven’t been over doing it with activity. So, who knows. I ditched the vegan and went back to eating meat, see if that helps. I’ve talked to some veterans who said that they got slammed at 3 years too. There is even a story on Bliss’s site about a woman who got hit hard at 34 months free. I am assuming its just part of healing. I do think that our CNS remain less tolerant to stress. No one knows what condition the receptors that went offline and returned are in. Some theories are that they are not quite as healthy as pre benzo receptors. I’m taking it easy. (what else can I do?) and enjoying the magnolia tree that grows across the street. She’s been my companion for a few years now. 🙂
Aw..prayers that it is the last major part of ur healing..thank u for sharing as well n thankful for u n 2 all who share. I have tingly n numb in hands..sleeps bit bettr yet..n hard time not eatn any fruit n eat salty meals..congrats on your website n the yrs off benzos : ) So glAd I see the posts as ive had a few dreadfl days..im kinda do’n alone but w/God. Thank u.
Makes me realize how short my 5 or so weeks actually is! It is so good you have the option to relax along with the magnolia tree. Your bracelet sounds awesome.
I’ve often read about the heralded “wave” that occurs just before a dramatic healing 🙂
Take care,
Mrs.
Thank you. I read the story on recovery road about the woman who had the worst wave at 34 months. I’m hopeful this is the beasts last ditch efforts. :). I’m not thrilled about it but I’m riding it out. What else can we do? Ill garden if I can get out of bed. That will help. Thanks for your kind words.
Hi Jenn, How long a span of time did you have, of good days or weeks, before this latest wave hit? I was looking for new posts for some time now and was hoping your next post would be one about you feeling good. I hope this wave passes fats, and you’re up and about soon.
I was much better for quite some time. Never a full day if zero symptoms but not this bad. I’m sure it will lift. I’m taking good care of myself. I’m battling a tummy bug too. That may have triggered it. Who knows? I’m sure I will have good news soon. One of my friends who us three years out just relocated homes and is doing great!! I just heard from her and that lifted my spirits.
Onward!
I’m so sorry you got hit again!!! Of course I fool myself into thinking my anxiety and fear is because of my lack of thyroid, which it probably is on a small scale, but then it will subside, so then I believe it is a wave of withdrawal. I always have to tell myself…it’s because of the Xanax…and just hope those symptoms go away sooner rather than later. I do have to say that the tinnitus has quieted just a tad, but the anxiety and panic are still pretty bad at times. I wish you symptom free days soon!!
Hi Jenn, what is the difference between sobriety and benzo free date? Are you doing better? Can’t wait to see the bracelet.
Good question. I consider my first day with no booze my sobriety date. I used to drink red wine every night, two or three glasses. Not enough to trash my life, but enough to know I had developed a problem. I’ve been sober since Oct 13, 2010. Benzo free since June 23, 2011. I wanted a bracelet to remind myself of those two days as I never want to go back to the hell of being on a benzo, or the need to drink every night. I am slowly pulling out of this wave. It was a rather nasty one, and it sure took a lot to ride it. But its subsiding. I know one day my body will heal. 🙂 I cant wait to wake up and not tingle or feel pain, or weakness. yeah! It’s coming.
I was unable to pick up the bracelet on Thursday. I’ll get is early this week. I’ll post pix for sure.
Dear Dr.. Jenn, Is there a way that I can email you occasionally using a personal email? Thanks much, Linnea
Sent from my iPad
Dr. Jenn,
Just reading through all of these emails and your responses to each of them has answered many of my questions. I think what I am experiencing is another wave as well but I don’t think I am as courageous as you are and I get frightened thinking it will never end or I will never feel what “normal” is again. I’m certainly not happy to hear about your terrible symptoms but it makes me realize that all the anxiety, muscle tension and feeling crappy is as normal as I will be for now. I also wondered how many are weak. I have to force myself to walk or do much of anything some days. I know that I am improving though and have been sleeping better after severe insomnia for most of last year. I found a few natural remedies that are working for me so I am so thankful. I just have to hang on and trust God. I know He is on my side and only wants the best for me. I think the thing that discourages me the most is that I want to be more useful to my family and others. I do what I can and know I am my worst enemy and don’t give myself a lot of slack.
Your soul reminders are such an encouragement and each day I am so amazied that you can think so clearly. That is a big plus and happy you can be so productive.
Bless you, Linn
Hello Linn, If you go to the page with my name, you can fill in the contact box. It will come to my personal email and I can reply.
Linn the best way you can be productive for your family is to heal. 🙂 That’s your number one job. Don’t worry about anything else.
Thaks for the update. Prayers and sorry for your setback. It only validates my current one as well. I was pretty funtional for a couple of months, not symptom free but well enough to work some and not have any of my customers to pity me for looking sad and in pain. The only thing I think may have triggered me is too much work and physical activity and I ate a ton of non organic string beans. Next day I was in the What the heck happend syndrome, tons of body pain and muscle spasm and twitching again. Anyway Peace and continue the healing. We will all ride the waves to a nice beach of health.
Sorry to hear its bad again. I know it all too well. :(. You will get better. Me too. Keep on keeping on. It’s what we do best. Keep us posted when you feel better. I think year three to four are going to see peaks and valleys. So buckle up. It may be bumpy. :). But we will get smooth sailing at some point.
Glad I am not alone.I guess that is the only most important thing to know,that others have been through this and got through this. I was in a detox place (wrong move) and have been suffering terribly at my 6 month mark.When i was there in the worst of my withdrawls,I searched for people like me.It was sad to know the people who sought out the drugs were getting better quickly compared to me.I wondered am i in this alone?Then I realized No,I am not I have myself and I will get through this some how some way.
43 months off and in the mother of all waves with major airhunger which is the worst I have ever had!!! It’s ruthless
So sorry to hear. Know that it will pass. In time. Try to stay calm. Distract. Patience. Acceptance. We benzo warriors deserve metals for our perseverance. Sending you good energy.