Six months free. That’s the first of the timeline you hear about for recovery, 6-18 months. I had hoped I would be one of the lucky ones that bounced back quickly. Nah. Not that lucky.
I was at Sierra Tucson, buying time. My withdrawal symptoms had gotten so intense I needed a safe place to stay. (Living alone in withdrawal is a challenge.) Every day was a horrendous ordeal to survive.
We woke at 6 to go to breakfast. Not that I had been sleeping much. Standing in the heat of the shower I could hardly stand being in my skin. The anxiety ripped through my body like knives. It actually hurt. My looping thought was “I have to die one day.” Over and over and over and over and over and over all day, every day. The fear that came with the thought was unbearable. I was trapped in a world of terror and pain.
The full body tingles felt like bees stinging me, head to toe. My muscles twitched and jumped like I was a marionette being jerked around by the strings. My skin burned like I had been dropped into a vat of boiling oil. My bones ached and my muscles throbbed. Every past trauma I had ever lived through came back to haunt me with memories and flashbacks. I was terrified I was broken forever.
I walked around the campus when I wasn’t in class, dragging my looping thoughts around with me. Everything was death. Everything.
Nights were the hardest. I’d fall asleep around 11 pm only to awaken in a total panic forty-five minutes later. My heart would race and I would struggle to catch my breath. The pressure and pain in my chest and arms was severe. Had I not been in withdrawal, I would have thought I was having a heart attack many times throughout the night. (I was rushed via ambulance to the ER one night.) That was my sleeping pattern. I woke every forty-five minutes or so to extreme symptoms. It was exhausting. (And terrifying.)
I bought a big stuffed tiger and carried it around with me. I know I looked ridiculous but it helped center me. (As much as anyone can feel “centered” in withdrawal.) I grieved the loss of who I once was: smart, ambitious, driven, creative…. now I was reduced to a terrified bag of bones.
When it came time to leave, I rented a car and drove from Arizona to California to surprise my daughter who was living in San Diego at the time. I drove through a rainstorm almost the entire way. I look back and I can’t believe I was able to drive that far! I was terrified the entire time, but kept moving. I sang to the radio. I prayed out loud. I cried. I cursed. But I got to San Diego in one piece.
I got back to San Fran via Amtrack. I remember standing in line to board the train with that awful morning anxiety coursing through my veins and feeling cut off from the world. I watched people reading the paper, talking, and laughing. How I ached to be a part of life again. To be able to just exist without thinking and observing myself. Without feeling terror, or obsessing about death. (I was not like that pre-benzo. My death obsession with purely a withdrawal symptom.) I boarded the train and headed back to my house, the house that held all of the memories of my acute illness in withdrawal and my cold turkey.
When I got home, I fell across my bed, overwhelmed. I had spent six weeks in Arizona, hoping to return “cured.” I was not. I was still deep in the belly of the beast, and it had no inclination to let me go. Not just yet.
I woke the next morning to a depression unlike anything I have ever experienced before.
More…..
Jenn, We’re all so glad that you healed!!! Welcome back to life!!!
Boy Jennifer…… I remember that time so well…… I can still see you walking with that stuffed animal! I remember sitting in the lobby by the fireplace with you and watching you shake and cry. I remember you coming back from the emergency room worse than when you left. I remember hugging you ever so tight when I left and you had to stay! I hate the fact that I allowed the doctors there to put me back on Klonopin, yes it helped me feel better for about two months and then the symptoms all started up again, worse than before. I am now 11 months off and having more and more windows!!!! Thank you God! I still have days when I feel pretty YUK but my life is starting to sparkle again! Our youngest daughter is getting married in July and I’m actually looking forward to it (most days), a year ago I would panic at the thought of it. Thanks you so much for giving me the courage to walk this journey and not give in to the symptoms and the fear! You will forever be close to my heart!
I can relate..its like a feeling of being in a dungeon with walls never ending..I still have my lingering cough, anger, irritability. Have to use a toenail ointmt & 1 for teeth(small amount); its all unbearable but..I have the 2nd job..thot to have..nmwish 4 my goal & all these w/ds to end….I do keep going..God..lost local benefits, next fed gvt benefits. Felt too that w/ds are as bad & mayb worse than street drugs..also feel mental health med professionals brain washed me. & why is it, as met someone in a weird way quick & no more contact, they are going through w/ds but getting help with a primary dr..that dr only helps those using street drugs & maybe opiots but not benzos. Like “REAlly??!!” How cooperative of them & gvt..im probably more stressed..but I didnt swear so b4 benzos or..Jennifer..such an example of recovery!! Feel God’s work..& I an example some to a friend or two..idk..God’s the great counselor and dr I never knew..you are doing well Jennifer ; ) Your story helps so much!! & when you have info.
Thank You!!
Amy. as of the Drs. telling you that they only help people on street drugs, don’t they know that benzos are a street drug also! All of the drugs that are being abused in the world you can bet that they are or they have been benzos mixed in those drugs… I hope you keep recovering!!! Kind Regards!
PS Its common for people to spend up 5.00 dollars for one Xanax pill on the streets, that is a benzo just like Klonopin, valium etc.. Drs. are useless and just don’t understand the effects of long term benzo use and withdrawing from them….
How long did the burning and tingles last?!??
I still have them. Not as intense.
I have noticed from my personal experience and from others in withdrawal that we all seem to keep some symptoms even though many come and go and then return etc… they do become less intense but we never know If we are out of the woods with this because just when we think things are getting better something else starts happening, at least for me anyway. I’m still amazed how that benzos can be responsible for so many symptoms, I know its true now but I still can’t fully comprehend it…