I woke up last Wednesday to a quiet mind. The usual obsessive thoughts about death and dying and the futility of life were gone. For two and a half years my daily life was terribly darkened by unwanted thoughts and fears that haunted my every turn. They are gone. I am grateful.
I have renewed hope that one day, both my mind and body will heal. I will be better than new.
I don’t wish this withdrawal journey on anyone, but now I am grateful I experienced it. I am a much better person than who I was before I was put on a benzo. I have grown oh so very much. Now with my mind quiet, I can focus on the areas of my life that I was unable to attend to while I was sick in withdrawal: I can begin my career again. I can earn a living. I can fall in love. I can be a good friend. I can be a good mother and daughter to my family. I can now be of service to others.
My body is still healing, and that is ok. I trust it knows when the tingling, burning, bone, nerve and muscle pain should stop. My mind might get cloudy again too, for a while. But if it does, I will know its “just withdrawal” and go about my business.
Many of you know I joined AA right before I started my taper. I believe that working the steps is what helped me hold on in withdrawal. And now, it is time in my life for what we in the recovery fellowship call the 9th Step Promises:
| If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Now that I have a quiet mind, free from the incessant noise of intrusive and obsessional thoughts caused by withdrawal, I can begin to manifest those promises.
The quiet is utterly amazing. Thank you God!