The athletes have left Sochi. The town returns to its normal rhythms.
But the 2014 Olympics aren’t over. Every person in benzo withdrawal is an Olympian. We are in training for the best life ever. I know that may sound a bit odd, but coping with benzo withdrawal gives you an opportunity to grow into a strong, compassionate person who knows who they are and what is important to them.
A woman in withdrawal recently emailed me (I believe it was Jenn. If that is the wrong name I hope she will reply here or email me so I can correct!) that she looked at this phase of her life as a time of training…. training to become her best, Her strongest. I loved her attitude and wanted to share it with you all.
I was so sick for so long that it was hard to see my life as anything remotely positive. Every day was a struggle to survive. I didn’t feel I was in training for anything good. But looking back I see that I was. And you are too, you just may not be able to see it or feel it.
Right now you are learning how to cope with one of the most challenging obstacles life could throw at you. You are learning what really matters the most to you. How to take care of yourself. How to let go of the things that you used to worry about, used to judge yourself and others by. If you are like so many of us who are recovered or mostly recovered, you are gaining compassion and a deeper ability to love yourself and others. (Or once healed, you can stay stuck in anger about withdrawal, which would be very sad and a waste of each precious day.)
I am grateful for benzo withdrawal. It was an opportunity to become a better me. Of course it would have been nice to have learned these lessons another way, but I am not sure there was another way for me. I was a pig-headed, stubborn, self-centered, feel-sorry-for-me person. I needed a BIG wake up call. I got one! I still have many of my old character defects, but I am more aware of them and can keep them under control. Just like I can keep my anxiety under control (or how to cope when I can’t.) I learned, after so many years struggling with anxiety created by down regulated GABA receptors., how to go about my day in a way that lessened the chances of my CNS cranking into overdrive.
I am still learning and growing from this benzo withdrawal experience. Everyday is a gift. Everyday is another opportunity to learn to love more. To be kinder. To reach out my hand to another living thing and offer help. Every day is a day to sit in wonder and look up at the heavens and say, Thank you God. Thank you.
If you are worried that you will never heal, please try to put that worry aside. You will heal. You can’t stop your body from healing. It knows what to do, trust it.
If you are worried you will never put back the pieces of your life, please put that worry aside. You will. (If you need help, I am happy to help you.)
Once the mental fog, terror, anxiety, pain, burning, tingling, fatigue etc lifts, you will find your mind is razor-sharp! You will be ready to tackle life again. And you will. In ways that might surprise and delight you.
You are in training right now to become the best you ever. God is right there with you, his arms and his heart wide open, cheering you on. Go! Go! Go!
I’m rooting for you too! We all deserve a gold medal for our stamina, courage, and blind faith. We get that medal, not as a gold circle to wear around our necks, but as a fantastic life full of what really counts.
Go team! Go!
Yes, “razor-sharp.” Hard to comprehend in w/d, but very true when it is over.
So right on the mark…I also needed a kick in the pants wakeup call from God. I also wish there could have been an easier way, but would I have listened? Who knows. But I’m listening now. I’m through with hatred, prejudices, grudges, envy, feeling sorry for myself. I have plans that include helping others, getting involved with charity groups, forgiving, enjoying the simple every day things in life, appreciating all I have been blessed with. Lesson learned, Lord. I look forward to my full recovery and all it is going to bring to me. Good and bad. Life. Love.
Thank you, sweet lady for another wonderful post. You are my hero!
Karen
Jenn, HELP!! I am almost 28 months off of 1mg Xanax used for 9 mos. during chemo for sleep. My first 21 months were challenging, but right now is worse than ever. Constant dizziness, mind numbing fatigue, and constant burning. How can things get so much worse this far out? Losing hope. I appreciate your posts and any encouragement you can give me. Thank you! You are a blessing to benzo users everywhere.
Well, I don’t know what happened to my email–a box came up and my email disappeared. please let me know if you didn’t get this first part. Anyway–as I was saying. I was hospitalized for 5 weeks and in the coma for a week. The doctors weren’t sure I would ever regained consciousness. I had to have 10 ECT treatments and that apparently helped to lift me out of it. The past year has been spent at home dealing with the w/d’s. I am just beginning to see much progress but do still have a long way to go. Brain fog, weakness, insomnia, neuropathy in feet, etc. Your emails have definitely helped to keep me focused on the goal as well as trying to maintain any optimistic attitude.
I just wanted to say “thank you” and please keep up your good work. I do wish I could be more involved and maybe with time I can.
It was also fun to be included in your birthday and so happy that you had a very special day with your family.
Blessings,Linn
Is it possible for me to email you in a more personal way?
I loved your comments, Karen. I wish I had a friend like you to chat with and to encourage each other. Don’t you wish we had been more aware of what we were getting into before it came to this? I know though that God doesn’t make any mistakes and hopefully through what we have suffered we can help someone else.
Blessings, Linn
Regina, Bliss told me that it is very common to get hit and hit hard between 24-36 months out. If you read the success stories on her page at http://www.recovery-road.org you can find one there where the woman got hit very far out, and she said it was worse than ever. No one knows why it happens, but we know it does happen. Keep taking good care of yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself and keep the faith.
Yesterday I was out with my sister for most of the day. Then I attended a fundraiser for Lyme disease. I had donated one of my paintings. It was a very long day and night. I crawled into bed happy, but tired and a wee bit achey. Today I woke to the wd crushing fatigue, aching, pain, dizzy… all my normal stuff amplified. I think we start to do too much as we get further out and it revs us up. That’s my hunch. But we do have waves, even years out.
Hold on. Breathe. Know that you are healing. You are, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Linn, was the coma from withdrawal? I am so sorry to hear of your suffering. I emailed you. Please let me know how I may be of help.
Jenn
A wonderful and beautiful post Jenn….thank you so much, as always. Your messages are always so timely and from the heart. And helpful.
I’m always rooting for you and all the folks pushing through. I BELIEVE you will all come out the on other side of the darkness. Hang on and keep pushing. You are all my heroes!
Kim xo
I’m 10mos. c/t out from 5mg Valium once or twice daily for about two years. My most frustrating symptom at this point is my inability to lose weight. I was in the best shape of my life prior to my c/t. After my c/t I initially lost weight, but then gained almost 25lbs. quite rapidly. I know most of it was due to the overeating I did to cope with my stress and depression, as well as my inactivity from muscle weakness and fatigue. However, now that the depression and fatigue have lessened considerably, I’ve been able to get more exercise in, been watching my diet much closer, and I have not been able to lose one pound! This in itself is discouraging and depressing! Ugh! I also feel like water bloat is also to blame. Are bloating and weight gain, along with the inability to lose this weight a common symtom for others in a benzo withdrawal? Is it something that will level back out as I continue to heal, provided I keep up with my exercise and diet? None of my old clothes fit me anymore! Any advise? Thanks in advance:)
What a beautiful post Jenn! Tomorrow I take my last dose of a drug that took away 31 years of my life. I am 60 years old and the past 14 months of tapering have been life altering. The unbelievably difficult journey has seen me as close to mental, emotional and physical death as I ever want to go. I’ve visited a few forums for help recently when everywhere I turned there was no one who understood about this condition. It was only here that I found understanding, support and the guidance to learn to accept what I have to go through and use it to make the rest of my life the best I can. I cannot thank you and everyone who contributes to this forum enough except to promise that I will continue on until I am able to give something back by finding a way to help others. I had my first clear window for a short time time today, wonderful and bittersweet, knowing it probably wouldn’t last, and that’s when I received this post. What a positive day to remember as I continue this journey. Bless you Jenn and keep up the fight!
Brenda
You are such a beacon of hope in my awful struggle!!! 8 months benzo free. Pain, but less than last month. Had been on benzo’s for over 20 years. Am a psychotherapist with small practice and past school psychologist….would love to hear from you as I slog thru this horrendous new England weather!!! carol
Dear Lynn…you do have a friend like me…me! I am here to give back all the support and encouragement I can to help, just as I have gotten and am still getting from others. We all wish we had known the truth about these poisons, not been lied to by doctors, never taken them. But we can’t look back or even too far forward during this road we travel to healing…it’s a day by day journey. Hard to accept, I know, I’ve always been a planner. Acceptance, patience and time, it’s all we have along with our incredible, healing bodies and our strength. God bless!
Karen
Jenn, thanks again for your encouragement! I looked up the story, and it gives me hope that I am still healing. You are a godsend to all of us. I so appreciate your taking the time to answer me. I will be forever grateful. Please try not to overdo–we need you!
Well spoken words Jenn. As I heal also I would like to note that hypnotherapy had been helping me. I just listen with headphones
I just found this email from you and so appreciate your interest. No, the coma wasn’t from withdrawals but from the Klonipin. My body just said “Enough”. I had been on them for so long and probably would have never had the courage to get off of them otherwise since I thought wrongly that I needed them. I went cold turkey too so can empathize with your path. It isn’t the best way to go but at least we are now on the other side of it. I was a bit concerned though when you shared how even 24-36 months out we can be hit with w/d that are almost as bad as the beginning. Hard to think about.
SO grateful to have you to be a mouthpiece for thousands of sufferers and the willingness to go up against the medical profession and big Pharma. That takes a lot of courage to be sure.