The wave I am riding is slowly losing power. (Thank God!) A few nights ago I had a fabulous window of normal. Normal thoughts, feelings and a fairly normal body. Last night I had another great window again. My body symptoms did kick in after I ate, (that’s my usual pattern) but it wasn’t too bad. That constant sensation of watching my every thought and move, was gone. I was totally in the moment.
My biggest fears are 1. That this wave is “really” just me, or 2. It is not me, its wd, but it’s never going to end. ( I think a lot of us have those fears in wd, right?) But I keep holding onto hope that one day, I will wake up and have a normal life again.
Mornings are still a challenge. But I cope by heading out to the garden and getting my hands and my mind as busy as I can. It helps. By the mid afternoon things settle down, and by early evening, I feel pretty darn good. I get through the crazy stuff by reminding myself that I will probably get a break from it in the evening.
I got a haircut yesterday that made me feel so fabulous, that my happiness kept growing and growing and growing…. until it turned into anxiety in my body. My CNS still can’t handle too much of any type of intense feeling. But I gotta say, that the happiness was sweet indeed! I felt so good it must have shown. Two young men flirted with me at a store. That hasn’t happened in years. I think it is a very good sign that life is slowly inching its way back to some semblance of normal. (Meaning, I am engaging in society again on a more normal level.)
I still have the crappy benzo wd driven thoughts, (they had mostly gone so this was the hardest to cope with when this wave kicked in) but I am learning to not give them so much power over my life. I wake up and I ask God what he wants me to do today. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. When it gets too hard, I curl up on the couch, or back into bed, and I watch a movie. I keep reminding myself, “this too shall pass.”
Matt Samet, Don, and Julie have been giving me a lot of support and strength. My parents have been very supportive. My father told me yesterday that they will walk next to me through this no matter how long it takes to heal. I deeply, deeply, appreciated that remark.
I truly didn’t see this wave coming. It’s been a bitch of one, too. Hopefully it is the last big one. Fingers and toes crossed.
Keep holding on everyone. Keep healing.
Thank you all for being there for me, and for each other. Our benzo family is pretty awesome.