I can’t say I am totally healed. I still have bone pain, muscle pain, head pressure, ringing ears, dizzy spells, weakness and fatigue, to name a few of the remaining symptoms. However, life is looking pretty normal these days. I have normal fears/worries/concerns like “normal” people have. I am no longer consumed by withdrawal and the mental anguish that is the hallmark of the healing syndrome.
I still limit my exposure to stress. I don’t allow myself to get too happy or too sad. Any strong emotion can kick off an avalanche of symptoms, one of which is the internal feeling that I am going to fast. Very hard to describe this one, but it is very unpleasant.
I still am hopeful that one day I will wake up with ZERO withdrawal symptoms (excluding the ringing in my ears. I think its permanent).
I am working at re-establishing a career and being of service to others. Sometimes I even daydream about finding the right man to settle down with and to go through the golden years with, but that is not a pressing need/want. What is most pressing is getting back to work and having a purpose.
My dream is to coach again and to buy a little piece of land near the coast so I can create a bigger garden than I have now so that people with brain injuries, PTSD, or are healing from a serious illness, loss, trauma etc. can come and work alongside one another. I want to scale the garden I have now to a much bigger platform so it can serve more people.
I am still grateful for the adventure I have been on. It has been utterly brutal, but it gave me the chance to become a much better person. I have SO much more love and compassion for myself and others. My ego is less fragile too. I don’t need to be submissive and below people, feeling less than, nor do I need to be superior and feel better than. I just need to be me, on equal footing with all of God’s children.
If you are still battling the symptoms of benzo withdrawal, hold on. Keep fighting the good fight. It will get better. I used to think I would never heal. I thought that everyone else would heal, but that my brain was far too damaged. That is not the case. It won’t be the case for you either. You ARE going to heal. Even if you don’t believe it. You can’t stop your brain from healing. It wants to return to its normal state, the state it was in before you swallowed your first benzo.
Thank you all for the love and support over these hard years. Let’s keep holding hands until we are ALL at the finish line. Let’s leave no benzo buddy behind.
Feel free to contact me if you want reassurance.