As my brain and CNS repairs itself, I find being benzo free such a sweet, sweet state to live in!
I can honestly say that my life now is the best it has ever been. I know who I am. I know that I can withstand the slings and arrows of life without medicating the pain, sorrow, anxiety, fear or anger away. I can cope with life on life’s terms.
I also know that my old calling to serve God, the call that got obliterated by benzos and booze, is alive and well and cannot be ignored. My professional life is shaping up to use my doctorate in psychology, social neuroscience, the Twelve Steps of recovery and my Christian faith as I help those in need of hope and healing.
God allowed me to suffer through benzo withdrawal because the process polished me. It stripped away my old ego that was preoccupied with myself, my fears, my resentments, my desire for material wealth and prestige. In its place he gave me humility, gratitude and a desire to be of service and obedient.
I have brought back Soulreminders.com. I am well enough now, to keep the site going every day. I am also coaching and offering spiritual direction to those who are in need of hope and healing. I’ve created a prayer group too.
I am simply showing up everyday and asking God to take me where he wants me to go, to introduce me to who he wants me to meet, to tell me what to say and to help me get out of his way. It’s a good way to start every day.
I’d like to share this Gaither Band song with you. I listen to it as a reminder that I am free! Free from a pill that damaged my brain and body. I am free from my old fearful ego and my need to numb my pain with a pill or a drink. I am free to face life whole and strong in the knowledge that I am serving my God to the best of my ability. I can’t find the words to tell you how good that feels!
If you are still suffering in benzo withdrawal, please know that it does come to an end. I still have a ways to go until all of my body symptoms are gone, but I know I make progress everyday. I am grateful for the journey benzo withdrawal took me on. It was definitely hard, but it turned me into the person I always wanted to be, the person I was on my way to becoming before the benzo and the booze cut that journey short.
I share my faith because it feels like the right thing to do. Please know that whatever your faith is, I honor you and your path to the God you love.
I don’t know how I would have survived withdrawal without my garden and my God.
I hope you enjoy the song. I play it whenever I feel lost or lonely, or when I need to just revel in the goodness that God has given to me. Freedom! What a joyful state to be in!
So glad to hear your words of encouragement! I too believe that I am going through this for the greater good of myself and hopefully to help others. It’s a hard road and sometimes I wonder if I’m still in withdrawal or if it’s just my original anxiety and lack of a thyroid that doesn’t allow my body to regulate the anxiety. I tell myself it will be better some day.
what if you are not able to have faith in a divine spirit?
good that you have found a way out and your faith is strong.
keep at it and one day, you’ll be 100% again.
good luck to you in your quest for health.
I sadly am still caught in a hole.
I feel the same way as Michelle! I can’t tell anymore where I am in my healing. I’m at 18 months out, and I very much believe that my body is still not regulating the way it used to – but try to convince someone of that when I sound and look ok enough. I feel so much better than where I was a year ago when I was holed up in my house – but I feel like I’ve lost so much confidence in myself. How does that come back?
That’s GREAT 2 hear Jennifer n 2 believe in. Thank You!! I always knew God but thru this experience more so. Tho i still get confused n i complain when not much sleep..i dont want 2..idk how i stop @ xs (times)..i keep go’n..pray..
Wonderful news Jennifer… I’m so glad that you will be using your experience to help others going forward… I do hope you remember though, that many people who are dependent on benzos are NOT addicts, but merely the victims of iatrogenic harm… I have personally never identified as an addict at all, and I know many others feel the same way… Physical dependence/ being poisoned by your doctor is far different than an addiction… I hope you remember this going forward when working w clients… Things like the “12 steps” really can’t help anyone who is merely dependent… *peace
Hi Sarah. Thank you for your comment. It seems my post hit a nerve. I am sorry for the miscommunication. Let me explain. I’m not focusing my work solely on Benzo survivors. I’m keenly aware of the difference between addiction and dependency. I am a recovered alcoholic so the 12 Steps are something I’m deeply familiar with and grateful for. I do coach other alcoholics and people in recovery from other addictions. So the steps are a great tool.
Although the 12 steps aren’t for dependency, they are an amazing foundation for living life. Anyone in withdrawal could use them with a few simple swaps of words. For example, remove the word alcohol and replace it with the word withdrawal.
The 12 Steps are a spiritual way of living life, giving everything over to God and allowing God to lead our lives.
Thank you for reminding us all that most of us have been damaged due to trust in our doctors, not because we were addicts.
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Oh Jennifer how touching your post is! I can’t wait to see how God is going to use you! It’s a hard road and sometimes I wonder if I’m still in withdrawal or if it’s just my original anxiety and lack of a thyroid that doesn’t allow my body to regulate the anxiety. My sleep still isn’t great….very broken…. but better than a year ago. I’ve given up trying to convince people that I’m still healing….. that I don’t always feel as good as I seem….. I just try and keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that God is walking beside me to carry me when the days seem hard!! I’m so grateful for a husband who is standing with me through this incredibly hard journey!
I am right now 22 months out, and yes, I am so much better than a year ago, and no comparison to two years ago, but today I feel like this has been going on forever and I’m weary!!!! I know God has a plan, and that this journey if for my good and His Glory!! There are days that is easier to believe than others, so I rest on my faith and trust that…. He knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call! I just listened to your Gaither song, it’s one of my favorites that they sing…… this time I really listened to the words…..and what a message of hope!!! I will continue to uphold you in my prayers as you reach out to help others. Someday, I hope and pray, that God will use my journey in someway also!
Blessings!
Carol
I wondered for a very long time if I was still in withdrawal or if my old anxiety had returned. As time passed, I was able to see that my anxiety was due to damaged receptors from the drug. As I healed, I was less and less anxious. Now I feel my old anxiety is NOT going to return as it was decades ago before the drug and that I will be able to manage my life without any chemical “peace” needed. I think that as you heal more, you will find that your CNS “resets” itself, and you won’t be burdened with unhealthy anxiety.
Thank you for your continued prayers. You are on my prayer list too, as are all of my benzo buddies.
You wrote that you hope that God will use you one day. Carol, he is already using you. Your words here, touched someone else, and gave them the strength to hold on another day in withdrawal.
God used you at Sierra Tuscon. You reached out to me and befriended me when I was so very ill with my brain damage. Your friendship helped me find my way back to my estranged sister, to make amends, and rejoin her in life! See!! We don’t always know what fingerprints we leave on others lives. God is using you. Trust that he will see you through this darkness. He will keep you safe and bring you the other side. I know, because he did it for me.