When I was swimming through wet cement, you know, the first 18 months in benzo withdrawal, I thought I had to summons my courage and be confident. God knows I tried and tried and tried to feel both of those things. Mostly I just felt scared, alone, and utterly hopeless. My family kept telling me I was brave. But I sure as sugar didn’t feel brave. Looking back I can see now that courage had very little to do with my recovery. Neither did confidence. Heck, I wasn’t confident that I could spell my name right, let alone navigate through such a horrifying health/mental/spiritual crisis like benzo withdrawal.
The two things that I relied on everyday were determinationn and commitment. They were much easier to manifest than courage and confidence; all I had to do was wake up and promise I would not kill myself, and that I would not take anything that worked on my GABA receptors. I was determined to see my situation through to the very end, no matter what that meant.
Sure, there were times I would text Mary or Sherry, my fingers flying a mile a minute, screaming “I can’t take this shit anymore! I want something to make it go away!!” It’s okay to give voice to our frustrations. It didn’t matter how much I talked about throwing in the towel. The reality was that I was determined and committed to my journey, even when I was in a melt down (which was often, the first 18 months).
I was determined Benzo withdrawal was NOT going to win. Even if I NEVER heal anymore than I am right this moment, withdrawal doesn’t get to win. I am determined to be of service to others and to bring value to the world in my own small measure. I am committed to living a life of purpose and deep satisfaction, gratitude and serenity. (So far, so good.)
I took a break from writing today and took a long walk through my neighborhood. I saw this tree. I couldn’t decide which was more determined, the tree or the sidewalk? Both seemed committed to their space. And that may be how it goes for me for a bit longer: withdrawal body pain and I living side by side, each accommodating the other in our own way.
All I know is I keep going.
I keep waking up asking God what he wants me to do today. And I put one determined foot in front of the other, and I stay committed to doing the next right thing.
Onward!
Another helpfull article. Thanks, Jennifer Leigh. I use what you write to send to people, who I want to know, Im still still still in bad withdrawal, and its getting worse in the middle of a horrible divorce with so much emotional stress added. I can so much relate to everything you say in this.
Love from Dorte
Sendt fra min iPad
> Den 13/05/2014 kl. 12.55 skrev “Benzo Withdrawal Help” : > > >
Hang in there Dorte! It really does get better. I’m sorry you are suffering.
Wow! Dr Jenn this is so déjà!! I have that same kind of tree and sidewalk that I look at daily as I walk outside… Just had a breakdown spell last night crying to God and asking how much longer can I go thru this horrible nightmare. It is so odd that our bezo brains start thinking so much alike. I relate to every thing you have ever written…. It’s a long hard battle but we are survivors.. I still have to convince myself this is not some strange illness.. I think I’m dying with Alzheimer’s or a brain tumor.. My motor skills will not let me function normal. Just to be normal!!!!!!!!
Your photo says it all. It’s a perfect metaphor for benzo withdrawal. It also illustrates how both the tree and the sidewalk can, ultimately (if uncomfortably) prevail, side by side. I suppose we could choose to be the sidewalk, twisted and damaged by the experience, but no, we are trees, resistant, strong and, in the end, triumphant.
AMEN!!
It gets better!!
And the thing is WE WILL DIE one day. Why not start becoming comfortable with that notion?
Now that I’m not mentally messed up in Wd I see that death isn’t something to fear. It’s a normal part of life and it will be a an adventure! Much like this phase of our journey has been here on earth. Don’t know about you, but I got tired of being afraid of life and death. Decided to let go of my need to know what’s next. :).
Even though some of my symptoms are improving, one still seems to persist the worst, well, actually two; First is nagging low back pain with no other medical cause, it has improved a lot but it still lingers. Second is the ringing in my hears! very annoying also! but nevertheless I think overall I have beaten the worst of benzo withdrawal! I’m so happy too, I was always afraid that I would be taking them for the rest of my life. Still can’t believe how these drugs can cause so much suffering for such a long time….
Very well put Jennifer. U feel determined NOT to let w/ds take control wGod’s help. Gets discouraging, I no..your doing well. Good 4 u!! Such hope. 2 self talk & be good ti yourself. My kitty-cat now as he turned 1yr old last month put up so much from this. Sent by God. & my good friends tho they struggle w/their addictions w/benzos..have been long support & also wear of these symptoms. Working helps but not everything..God, help orhers, and live..Thank you : )
Typos. U for I not to let..w/ds..wonder if 2 many bananas 3-4/day may b bad..n sodium I may eat more. No sugars but natural fruit but..eat fish..hmm..anyway thx and all thats so helpful!!
Dr Leigh, it’s great that through this journey you have reaffirmed your relationship with God. This is the most important outcome of this journey and depending on how you interpret the outcome, you may find this journey to be a hidden blessing and not a trial.
What I would say to you is invest your time to study faith in general an seek the truth. Who is God? How does he want us to live our lives? What does God say is the purpose behind our lives?
As a Christian I always had difficulty with the concept of the Trinity and Jesus as Gods son. Despite Jesus saying 88 times in the bible that he is the son of man an the Trinitarian concept being formed some 325 years after his death at the council of Nicea. We are still taught to believe teachings which clearly contradict the teachings of Prophet Jesus.
All the Prophets from Adam to Abraham, Moses to Jesus an finally Mohammad (Peace Be Upon Them All) taught us, there is one God so worship him alone.
Indeed my study of Christianity and Judaism lead me to Islam which just makes rational sense. Please Dr Leigh I strongly advise you to read the Quran an then make a informed choice! If you don’t agree with it then you’ve lost nothing but if it touches your heart then you’ve gained a new life!
Quran [30:36]
“And when we cause mankind to taste of mercy, they rejoice therein; but when some evil afflicts them because of evil which their on hands have sent forth, behold they are in despair”
May God Guide Us All