Guess I’ll have to pray to her, as God doesn’t seem to be listening these days. I mean really. I keep praying for healing but… the wave just keeps gets bigger and bigger. I’ve been mostly bedbound the past few days. I have a lot of sx I had in the very beginning and I have to say it is more than a little upsetting. The mental crap is better, for sure, but the body stuff is agony.
I won’t list all my sx here, as that’s just too depressing. Let’s just say that 27 months off is proving to be a bitch. I was having more good hours than bad, and thought rather smugly, that the worst was over. Never get smug in wd, that’s what I am learning now.
I read so many emails or comments from people saying they find hope here in the blog. That was my original intention. Spread hope. But today hope is hard to come by. I’ve already had a crying meltdown on the phone with my daughter. I. Just. Don’t. Want. To. Do. This. Shit. Anymore. Period. I am tired of the burning, pain, tingling, weakness, dizziness, broken sleep, nerve pain, fatigue, head pressure, memory loss, chest pain, spine pain/burning, joint pain, bone pain, stomach issues, itching skin, itching ear canals, vision disturbance, feeling like my body is being crushed, freezing, hot flashes, formication, DP and DR, feeling like I am moving when I am sitting still, twitching…..Ok, so I listed my sx… or at least some of them.
I read stories on recovery_road.org and get scared that I STIll have years ahead of me. I used to comfort myself early off, telling myself that it would only take 2 years AT THE MOST, to heal. Two years. Two years. Two years. That was my mantra. I blew past 2 years a few months ago. Now what do I tell myself? Three? Four? Five? Fifteen?
I am losing hope that we ever do heal. Sorry. But that’s the truth. I see people years ahead of me having setbacks. It isn’t reassuring. I wish we knew what was causing these sx. Why is we have many of the same sx that people with Lymes disease, MS, lupis, CFS and fibromyalgia have? What in the world is going on inside of our brains?
A friend in withdrawal just came over. Misery loves company. I am grateful for my wd friends. No one else on the planet understands this torture.
Hang in there everyone. I will too. It’s getting old, this journey. Very. Very. Very. Old.