I’d like to be able to write that all is quiet meaning my mind is calm. Sadly, that’s not the case. At all. This wave is turning into a bit of a horror show. I don’t know what to make of it all, to be honest. I was worlds better only a handful of weeks ago. I am going to do what I normally do to survive waves, and that is to garden, try not to isolate, keep practicing positive self-talk, and accept things as they are. I’ve reached out to some veterans who are months or years ahead of me for support. I am not the only one who has experienced a setback at this stage.

When things have settled down, I’ll  come back and give the details of this wave. Right now, I’d rather not write about it. It’s too painful. You may not hear from me for a while. I am going to go quiet.  I have no idea how long this wave will take to lift.

I am losing hope, and that is by far, my worst symptom. I have to remind myself that life will get sweet again. It was looking up more and more every day earlier this year. Now, I am frightened I will never have a day of no anxiety, no weird thoughts, no burning, tingling, pain, derealization, fatigue, weakness, shitty sleep… you know all the symptoms.

This shit has gone on way too long. I was in tolerance for years. Then my taper, then my cold turkey. Then straight into fucked up hell. I want out of it. Preferably, right this second.

Wish I had better news to share.
I’m headed to the garden. It’s where I am the most at peace with a brain that will not settle down, and a body on fire and tingling. I am praying for a miracle. (But God seems to be ignoring me.)

Jenn

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