I am back in a wave. Wait, was I ever out of it? Who knows…
I stayed in bed all yesterday afternoon. Too weak, tingly, burning, pain, etc to do anything else. I watched hours of The Dog Whisperer on youtube because it reminds me to stay calm/assertive. I imagine my sx are like an unruly dog, doing its best to take control of my house/life. Not going to happen if I can help it. So I am yanking on its leash, putting my hand in its face and making that sssssshhhhhht! sound Caesar makes.
I refuse to let fear take over. And it could, so easily. Fear of never getting better. Fear of giving up. Fear of losing what little of normal life I have left. But fear is what makes dogs get aggressive and out of control. If I allow myself to become afraid, I know my sx are gonna beat up on me even more. I have to be a strong pack leader and be the boss.
That doesn’t mean pushing myself to do more than I can do, but it means accepting without catastrophizing and making myself worse. It means pushing against the limits a little to see where they really are. I know my mindset is key to recovery.
For today, I will not worry about tomorrow, I won’t worry about the things I can’t control. I will pray the serenity prayer as often as I need to: God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Today. I will be strong. I will be brave. I won’t let wd define me. I will do my best to reach out and be of service to others so that I am not wallowing in self-pity.
Today, I will do my best to be the pack leader. To show wd that I am not going to cower and let it take over. I will not allow it to become a vicious, snarling beast.
Today, I accept that I am still recovering. I am grateful I am benzo free. I am grateful for my friends and family, the roof over my head, the food in my belly. I am grateful for my garden and my sweet cat Sam. It’s ok that I am in bed again today taking care of myself. The world won’t come to an end if I rest. I won’t worry about people judging me, or thinking that “it’s all in my head,” or that “I need to be back on medication,”…. whatever. I will stay in my truth.
Today I have everything I need: food, water, shelter, and love. Today, I give thanks for my recovery, no matter how slow it feels.
I won’t look back and cry over that I have lost. I won’t look forward and worry about what will happen next. I will stay right here, in the present moment, and know that everything is OK, because it is.
You are very brave Jennifer. I hope I can be as brave if my withdrawal turns out to be protracted.
I’m eleven months free of benzos and waving in and out. I long to be happy and calm all the time.
My thoughts are with you. xx
wow. You are such an inspiration and a true warrior….you are. Caesar Milan has gone through his own hell…tried to take his life when his wife divorced him. We all face the devil at some time in our lives….this is our time and we shall win.
Every day, in every way we are getting better and better.
I’m trying to stay in the moment, too.
My prayers are with all of you. The Serenity Prayer helps me too. It keeps me in today and in accepting what I have to do each day to move towards wellness even if it’s one small thing….. Even if it’s just one action – like sitting in a chair and willing myself to do my exercises. Moving – when I’m stiff and ache and hurt all over. Not giving to my protracted wd even though I will be 70 yrs old in two months. Only looking back – to see how far I have come. WE are the strong ones, the brave pioneers. . . . .
Hello Janice,
Lovely to meet someone of a similar age. I always feel I’m the oldest person withdrawing from these ghastly drugs at 68. I’m also stiff and achy but one day we’ll be young again.
Dear Jennifer, An angel led me to this blog. Actually, she is a friend in withdrawal. But I thank God for her as she has helped see me through the past several years. Each supporting the other. I’ve come to realize that there are more of us of an older age than I had realized. My friend is 66 and I just turned 68. My withdrawal ended six years ago, when I thought like some naive school girl that I would magically wake up the day after my final dose and be completely back to normal. I lost my husband two years ago and sorely miss his understanding. He would lose patience at times, but he couldn’t deny all that he had witnessed and was there for me most of the time. I now live with my daughter and her family and I’ve found that my children don’t want to believe such a thing as protracted benzo withdrawal exists. I’ve printed out so many articles (most of which they never read) for them to see the proof. So for the most part I share my anguish and journey with my friend, who, unfortunately, doesn’t live close by. Thank God for iPhones and computers. My symptoms wax and wane, but are never gone for long periods. The tingling you mention is one of my major symptoms, but THE major one is severe anxiety that I wake with almost every morning. Sometimes I jump right out of bed and getting moving seems to brush it away. But other times its like having a panic attack all day long. Who could ever understand this? I came down with the flu last week and had to take cough medicine and the doctor recommended benadryl to help me sleep. What a huge mistake! It threw me back and today I am struggling with anxiety, no appetite, tingling, etc. My biggest fear is how to grow older and avoid harmful medications as our bodies age and various problems occur. I am just so sad that these years have been stolen from me as I’m sure we all feel. The ironic thing is that I was put on a benzo when I went to the ER for a spike in my blood pressure. I took it for two weeks and decided I wanted no part of it any longer. Thats when Hell began. If only I had known. We will find our way through this somehow. Thank you for reminding me of the Serenity Prayer. As Karen said, you are such an inspiration. I’m so glad to have found you. I hope this wave goes as quickly as it came.
xo
Hello Rosalind, Thank you for your reply. I don’t feel alone knowing there are others, like you, who are in late sixties. I look at it now, a year off Klonopin – that it is another winding path in my life’s journey – and meeting the bravest people here. I am most grateful to Dr. Jenn for this blog and my gratitude and prayers for Dr. Jenn and all who are here. A dear friend of mine who came out of remission (cancer) and it has come back, always signs her notes to me with a quote: “It isn’t about surviving the storm, its how we dance in the rain”
Janice
It seems there are more of us up in years than I ever imagined. Rosalind is wonderful and I hope you can post to her and I. I’m
67 and only took benzos for 3 months before I knew I had to stop.
But it took two more months and a change to klonopin and ct before I was free of all drugs. But now in my 6th month, I can’t believe I am still suffering so much from high anxiety and muscle tremors in legs, arms, chest. My legs are weak and I’ve lost 25 lbs. fear is my constant companion.
I hope and pray you are healing and having good days. Please let us know how you are doing and god bless.
Karen
Susan:
And I thought I was the one on the benzo the shortest time here. 2weeks? And in the ER. Ativan is what most ER s give! they did to me also but I never took pill after. My doc gave me Xanax for insomnia. I stayed on it for 3months and then decided I wanted off but that took almost two months of taper….still not enough.
I find it very scary that you still are having such high anxiety – my main symptom along with muscle tremors- after 6 years! I have had such hope that I will heal. How do you cope? Maybe it’s our age and our metabolism. Have you gone to any docs since then for the anxiety or are you afraid to….I am for sure. God this is all so disheartening. I am so sorry you are still struggling.
God bless.
Karen
Hi Karen , I should have typed more in my post. My original Rx was for two weeks. I was starting to feel awful on the Ativan and tried to just stop. I was a mess so called the pharmacist who said to cut pill in half and taper. What a joke. I was shaking and nauseous, so cut into even smaller pieces. That didn’t work either so doctor said to go back on the normal dose to feel better and then cut down again. It was like torture. I never felt better back on the pill so started tapering again only to have horrible withdrawal symptoms. The doctor sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed klonopin since according to him was easier to taper off of. This doctor was able to compound the klonopin into a luqiuid so I could cut down by minute amounts over an extended period. It took me 8 months to finish the slow taper and I was sick constantly. Add that to the 6 months trying to taper from the Ativan and I shudder to think I had that awful med in my system for 14 months. I lost 20 lbs and so much muscle tone it was scary. I went thru so many side effects but most went away over time. Unfortunately I am still struggling with tinnitus, weight loss, pain and horrible anxiety. Everyone is different so please don’t think you may have a similar experience. You were on for a much shorter time. I almost wish I had done a ct after those first two weeks. I often wonder if that would have been the better choice. You asked how I cope? I just take it day by day. The doctors have no idea how to help. Most have no education regarding this syndrome. I have good and bad days. Today was a bad one. I did start seeing a therapist who is trying to help figure things out using natural methods.
I wish you strength and patience. I think we must be pretty strong people to be dealing with this. Please have a peaceful night. Hugs.