I celebrated 23 months of benzo freedom on the 23rd. I’d like to say that I am 100% healed, but that’s not the case. I still have a laundry list of symptoms, but I am coping better with them. I continue to garden every day, and to slowly… slowly… ease my way into my work.
I look back on the past two years in utter disbelief. How could this nightmare have happened? How can it be legal for a doctor to prescribe a medication that harms us so deeply? Pot smokers are in jail, yet MDs can hand these pills like like candy. It still boggles my mind. It still disturbs me to think that doctors ignore what thousands of people are saying all around that world: benzos destroy lives.
I often want to write a letter to the doctor who first prescribed Klonopin, and inform him of his negative impact on my life. However, I spoke to him in my taper, and he asked if I had anxiety symptoms. I told him, “Of course.” He said he treats anxiety, not help people get off meds who need them. When I mentioned that Professor Ashton noted that even people who had no pre-existing anxiety were anxious in their tapers, he said “She is a kook.” I doubt a letter explaining my ill health from benzo withdrawal will change his mind, or his prescribing habits. Which is a shame.
I vacillate between wanting to be an activist to help change the prescribing laws for benzos, to wanting to close this ugly chapter and never mention the word benzo,Klonopin, or withdrawal ever again. I’m sure when I am more healed I will know what is the next right step in that regard. Until then, I cobble my days together, one moment at a time. I cope with the burning, tingling, pain, fatigue, muddy hearing, memory problems, ringing ears, depression, anxiety, organic fear, and sense of unreality as best as I can. The gardening most definitely helps me distract and have a purpose amid days that threaten to turn empty, hopeless, and the worst, Godless.
If you want to create a summer garden, I can’t recommend Anniesannuals.com enough. Big bang for your buck flowers are nicotiana, marigolds, sunflowers, and cosmos. You can buy these at your local “big box” hardware store or nursery, but like the dirty secrets in medicine, there are dirty secrets about nurseries. Most of the big box stores carry plants that have been spayed with growth retardant so they have a longer shelf life at the nursery. When you take one of these plants home, (and you wont know you have) the plant will never reach its full potential. Also, most plants have already started blooming in their containers at the big box stores. That means energy went into the blooms, not the roots, and you will have a less than fabulous plant once it begins to grow in your yard. That’s why I shop at Annies almost exclusively. I’m blessed that she is only 45 minutes away by car. She is also only a quick few clicks of the mouse away online, and her plants arrive in stellar shape within a few days after I order. She can ship to you too.
I use the garden as my exercise, meditation space, metaphor for my life and healing, as well as the community gathering space. Every morning I push open the door with a curious heart, wondering what has bloomed. What has died? What needs attention. What birds, bees or squirrels will greet me? I am more able to ignore the bone pain that makes me hobble in the early mornings when I know I am headed out to my garden.
I clearly have more healing ahead of me. However, I have more time of relative normal every day. Sometimes its an hour, sometimes only a few minutes. I am grateful no matter how long it lasts.
I hope each and every one of you are finding ways to distract, to still be grateful, and to feel you have a purpose still. Because you do. No matter how dismal life feels, there is still a rich undercurrent of love running in your heart. I know that 100%. It’s there. It just may feel very far away. It took me many many months to find mine again. I had the typical benzo existential angst. Life was meaningless and God was a bitch. That was my benzo thinking. Thankfully that has passed. If you have it it will pass for you too.
If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Drop me a line. Let me know how are doing.
Happy healing… happy planting.
Hi Jen, So good to hear that you are doing better. I would like to recommend a book to you, that someone just told me about. It’s called “The Courage to Heal” by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis. I am going to look it up, on Amazon. Sounds really good for all benzo people. I’ve been doing better, but it’s been very lonely, and Grant has been upping the verbal attacks on me, which does not help healing at all. It just creates more angst. My main symptoms are the tight throat and neurological ones. Not the mental or emotional ones, so much, and I still love God!!! Please stay in touch. Love, Aryana
Well do Jen may you keep going forward!
Jen, are you living alone? You are 5 mos. ahead of me, and I am just like you, just hanging in there! I do have a wonderful husband, who waits on me, but of course, does not fully understand what I am going thru. I am praying for all of us benzo people to fully recover. God is still in control!
Thanks for the suggestion. It is an old book about sexual abuse recovery. It was controversial in that the authors posit that if you think you were abused even though you can’t remember it, you were. So be careful as you read. Some of their information is good, some not so good. (this is not to say that if you dont remember abuse it didn’t happen. There is repression of trauma. But to blanket saying if you “think” it happened, it did, is bad advice. In my very humble opinion.
Hi Jenn,
Thought a lot about your comment about the initial doc who prescribed Klonopin, and I often think of my doctor who said “it’s a great drug, totally harmless and I have plenty of patients using this medication for years.” He then gave me 6 refills and off to the races I began my journey into the unknown….thanks Doc.
I too wonder once I heal will I want to be an activist or simply put this ugly chapter behind me and not look back….I’ll know the right thing to do when I get there.
For now, I’m closing in on 5 months of my tapering and at about 82% completed…..still a few months away and then I have the healing process to go through.
I think what the healing process will be but I don’t get ahead of what is happening today.
It’s a intense focus of staying on track, keep plodding ahead and knowing my day will come….just at the right time, not by any calendar or someone else’s expectations….like the doctor’s clinic I’m using.
I thought I had a very good clinic and doctor to work with when I started the Ashton method, but now they have done a flip-flop on their methodology….they keep everyone on their current benzo meds and do not transition over to Diazepam like I did…they once embraced the Ashton Method, but now it’s a whole new ballgame for their new patients. I understand some folks just can’t transition from a very strong benzo to Valium, but fortunately for me, it happened literally overnight…..I’m blessed in the sense that it may not work for a lot of people, yet I’d rather taper from Valium than Klonopin without a doubt….IMO.
I called for a refill and told them at the small dose I’m at now I wanted to go to the liquid form versus the pill….much easier to make small cuts instead of trying to slice a 2 mg. tablet into quarters or even smaller.
I used the analogy that to jump off the roof at 12 feet in one drop would hurt a bit, but to drop 4 times at 3 feet in the same time period would be much easier on the body.
They refused which baffles me to no end.
I got my refill and also got it in liquid form….won’t go into details, as my pharmacist did the right thing and told me I know more than my doctor. He also asked a few other doctors and they all agreed with me….so far I find the liquid to be far superior to a tablet when reaching smaller doses.
I can be very accurate and drop every few days instead of a big drop every 6-7 days….it makes the tapering much easier and those very small drops every few days works so much better than what I was doing at higher doses.
Four months and three weeks ago I was at 80 mgs. of Valium daily. Today I’m at 19 mgs. daily, which I split into three daily doses. The last 3 weeks have been pretty rough as I’m at the lowest dose in 17 years….so it’s to be expected, but for the good news: It’s working better as each day passes and my body is adapting and I’m coping quite well.
I don’t have any family/friends as a support group, so I go it alone….and sometimes I do ramble due to the lack of someone to talk to, discuss the issues, etc.
As for you Dr. Jenn, I see two rewards coming your way….one is your healing, and I mean 100% with a great life ahead of you. The other is the reward of giving to others with care, honesty and reaching out…that one makes God smile!
You inspire people with your words of encouragement which helps keep their hopes alive and focused through the nightmares, tough days and times of distress and wondering what’s next?
When I do heal completely, there are things I will choose to forget and put in the past…but you will not be one of those forgotten things…..along with a few others who have been a positive influence on this most curious journey back to life.
Thank you just doesn’t seem enough to convey my appreciation for what you are doing with your life and others, but for now, it will have to suffice.
Thank you Dr. Jenn,
Mark
Mark Glad to hear you are doing so well. You may get off with only a small scratch or too! You never know. Thanks for writing. Hope the rest of your healing journey goes well. All the best. Jenn
Dr. Jennifer Leigh
Horticultural Therapy Family Coaching Social Emotional Intelligence
650.238.4125
InnovaGardens.com jennifer@innovagardens.com
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thank you so much for your blog I am only a month into benzo withdrawalI’m finding it very hard to talk to anyone that has not gone through what is a horrific Experience. if I may ask how much time were you on and for how long. I was only on for 3 weeks and when I got off I started having horrible withdrawal. I did not realize what it was at the time. Did you ever go through like a blood sugar hypoglycemia feeling in withdrawal. they don’t really talk about this a lot. I have a lot of trouble with memory confusion weakness vision perception depearsonalization derealization no filter when i speak depression rage and no one seems to understand. Please send me some words of encouragement.
Hi Dr. Jenn,
I can feel your pain @ 23 months free! I was only on klonopin daily (.50 mg)for 6 months for anxiety. I tapered off for a month in february. I was the one to request to get off of the medicine since I was no longer anxious! My doctor didn’t even suggest getting off. After I started tapering, I began to read stories on the internet about people trying to get off of benzos! What a nightmare! I had severe withdrawal including: trouble walking, dizziness, shaking, unable to write, aches and pains, nausea, insomnia, brain zaps, etc. I suffered from anxiety/depression from august 2012 to feb. 2013. I took zoloft and lithium also. I have since changed doctors. I also TOLD my new doctor I wanted to taper zoloft and lithium. I have completed these tapers and I am totally drug free for 18 days! God is good and he healed me not the DRUGS!
I have now been through 3 anxiety/ depression episodes in my life! It truly is NO FUN! I believe I went through this to some how try to help others.
I will be praying for you so that you can have the life you had before benzos!
God bless you!
Kristi
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Jennifer, after a very bad wave, do you have something similar to PTSD? I do, and it can ruin the better days, worrying that a bad spell may show up again. I am praying for all of us–I am about 5 mos. behind you. Thanks!
I dont usually find myself worrying about what comes next after a bad wave. I have gained quite a good handle on living in the moment. (Not always, but working on it!) But I know how upsetting a wave is, and how it can cause us to feel we walk on eggshells afterwards. On my good days, I have had the calm of a moment interrupted with the thought that soon I’ll be back in the misery of pain, burning, etc. When I talk to people who have healed they assure me that the thoughts about a wave returning go away. I can’t wait for that day!
I hope you continue to improve and improve rapidly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. We are in this together, helping each other along.
Take good care of yourself.
Thank you, Jennifer. Cannot tell you how much inspiration you are to me. Just knowing we are all in this together definitely helps! I am praying for us all.
Dr. Leigh,
I was prescribed Klonopin for 5 years, and decided to rid my life of this medication and all the other poisonous meds (antidepressants) that I was on in 2010 – after I read Dr. Breggin’s book, “Your Drug May Be Your Problem.”
I crossed over to 35 mg of Valium as per Ashton, and had an agonizing 18 month taper.
I am now going into my 24th month off.
My symptoms only intensified progressively with each month, and are horrendous.
The “anxiety,” adrenaline -(resulting in minimal sleep), panic, and all the other sensory and physical symptoms that are part and parcel.
I cannot get ANYONE to believe that I am still in protracted benzo withdrawal, not even my original doctor who put me on the Ashton protocol.
Would it be possible to contact you for a consultation and obtain some sort of statement that validates the fact that my symptoms are indeed classic withdrawal symptoms?
I AM otherwise healthy.
I had a full physical before beginning withdrawal, and all my labs showed that I was in extremely good health.
I would very much like to get in touch with a “professional” such as yourself, that understands the menace of Benzo withdrawal, and obtain some sort of acknowledgement of what I’m experiencing.
I am in CA, but would pay for a phone consultation if possible.
Thank you very much.
Mrs. J