I can’t recall how far I was into my recovery when I stumbled upon the question. Was I a year off? Two? Three? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I did find the question and used it. I use it still, every day, all day. It’s a very simple question. So simple that you might roll your eyes and dismiss it. But I hope you won’t. I hope you will use this question every day, just as I do, for it is almost magic. No, it won’t pull a rabbit out of a hat. But, it WILL send a gentle invitation to your autonomic nervous system to shift out of the sympathetic/dorsal vagal state called protect and into the ventral vagal state called connect. That’s where we want to operate our lives—in the connect state. For it is there that scientists say our bodies rest, digest, and renew. It is where deep healing can take place. It is where we think, feel, and behave at our finest.
It’s easy to get a feel of ventral vagal energy. Place a hand over your heart and a hand over your stomach. Next, think back to when you were safe, happy, maybe even cozy and warm. Can you picture it in your mind? What were you doing? Were you with anyone? What did you see? What did you hear? Try to imagine as many details about that moment as you can. Hold that image in your mind’s eye while you do a quick scan of your body. Where in your body do you feel the energy that the memory brings? What does it feel like? It’s this energy, this goodness, that we want in our lives. Of course, it’s hard to experience that energy when we are in benzo withdrawal because our nervous system is so hyper-excited. It’s operating primarily from the protect state. However, we can do our best to invite ventral vagal energy into our daily lives.
That is why the question is so important. It helps us choose the thought, feeling, or action that can help us shift away from the protect state and towards the connect state. And the great thing about the question is that you can use it anytime, anywhere It is always with you,
“What is the most loving thing to think, feel, or do?” That’s it. That’s the question. It’s simple but mighty. I use it all the time to help me avoid festering in resentments, passing judgment on people, beating myself up with overachieving or perfectionism, eating vegan junk food, etc. I use it to navigate away from the thoughts, feelings, and actions that will put me or keep me in the protect state of fight, flight, or freeze.
My thoughts and emotions may not change instantly with the answers to the questions, but they eventually catch up to my intentions of living a life of love, kindness, and compassion. In other words, living life guided by ventral vagal energy keeps me happy and healthy, and hopefully, helps others be the same.
You can use the question, “What’s the most loving thing to think, feel, or do?” anytime you are scared, sad, overwhelmed, angry, etc. Some answers to the question may be: “I can forgive.” “I know I am safe,” “I will take a gentle walk.” “I will practice acceptance.” “I will ask for help.” “I will slow down my breathing and focus on being in the present moment.” Put into action your answer to the best of your ability.
You’re doing yourself a great favor when you choose to love, for love is the most potent medicine in the universe, the most powerful force there is. I hope you will choose it every day, all day.
Hi Jennifer I loved ur blog it really connected with me. I always fall asleep at night praying to God. Two nights ago i fell asleep but when I woke up the Beatles song all you need is love was in my head. I know this was God talking to me. I don’t really even like the Beatles music lol. I am going through extreme anxiety and just trying to be positive. Thank you for a ll of your advice it really does help.God bless you!
Thank you for the great post Dr Jenn. Thank you for all you do in helping others.
You’ve talked with many people over the years and also have your own personal experience.
Sometimes it’s hard to know if fear is a symptom or a result of the trauma of what’s happened to us.
It can become evident only when we start to heal and we feel better, and we realize the fear was a symptom in itself, for example as symptoms fall by the wayside, we see that our doom feeling was a symptom that fades over time with healing.
How do we know if it’s chemical fear or perhaps a bit of PTSD?
I’m having many more good days than bad. All along, even in acute I could tell the intrusive thoughts and strong sense of doom were just a result of the withdrawal injury because I never had these feelings before withdrawal. Pre withdrawal I was a happy productive person. Also these feelings would come out of no where for no reason and feel chemical. This happened a lot more during acute. It only happens a few times a month now.
What I’m wondering is with what I’m left with now after so much healing has happened, if any remaining symptoms may be a bit of PTSD? I don’t have the usual PTSD symptoms like reliving events all the time, waking up with shaking sweats and terror. I don’t have that. What I do have is a mistrust in doctors.
Also, I’m realizing that even though I like my alone time because I like the peace and the autonomy and the quiet to meditate, after about 4 or 5 hours I start to feel a bit scared to be alone. Monohpbia perhaps? It’s hard for me to tell if this is a symptom or from the trauma of all of this.
I never had this feeling pre withdrawal. I lived in my own house in the country for 17 years and was very independent. Before I got married, I was single and had a big social life, but at the end of the day I went home alone and it never bothered me. Never crossed my mind. Now I ask my husband to give me some alone time because I need the peace and quiet, but after about 5 hours or so my mind starts to drift to the trauma of what’s happened to me in all of this. I try to stay present because there’s no reason to “go back there”. Life is good in the here and now.
This is the reason I stay away from Benzo Buddies now because it just is a reminder of all of it which isn’t conducive to healing. It isn’t conducive to reaching the goal of “getting my normal life back.” Your website is the only resource I use now. It’s gentle and more peaceful.
Do you think as we get better that there’s an “AFTER MATH” per say? Like feelings of “Oh my God, what happened?” or “How did I get through that even a year ago when I was so sick?”
Thanks for the question…
I will use it as I tingle all over and need to invite my nervous system into a state of connect….I am 19 most off and these are new symtoms
I am happy to hear that you will use the question. It really does help! Keep healing.
Everyone is different, but the majority of people I’ve worked with or known who have gotten to the other side of benzo withdrawal did not need any type of treatment or therapy to process what happened to them. We are so happy and grateful to be back to normal life, that we scamper off and enjoy it. Some people may need some help, as everyone is different, but I didn’t. Once I was truly healed, it was full steam ahead, no looking back.
I am so happy to hear that my blog is helpful. Thank you for your kind words. Having a song stuck in our head is such a common symptom. Thankfully, it goes away, like all of the other symptoms as we heal. I had a song from the Sound Of Music stuck in my head, and it was a song I HATED. :). Go figure.
Keep healing!