I’ve had it backwards. When my taper got unbearable, I screamed at God to take care of me. Some nights I begged him to take me home, away from my misery. Other times, I yelled at him for allowing the things in my past that pushed me into “needing” a benzo. Yes, I had it backwards. God was “out there” somewhere, and it did not seem like he was doing much to help me.

My mother sent me this video http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/stethoscope.html and I understood! God isn’t “out there.” hovering around. God is inside of me.

I’ve known this, at least in concept. But suddenly, it made sense.

I’ve never been good at putting my own needs first. I am a nurturer. So if God is in me, why couldn’t I help myself by taking care of God?  That made sense to me.

Colossians 1:26-27 (Contemporary English Version)

26For ages and ages this message was kept secret from everyone, but now it has been explained to God’s people.

27God did this because he wanted you Gentiles to understand his wonderful and glorious mystery. And the mystery is that Christ lives in you, and he is your hope of sharing in God’s glory.
You can translate that any way you wish. I look at it as God dwells within me. Instead of asking myself if I have the strength to get into the shower, I now look at it as a privilege to muster the energy to bathe God within me. When I am sitting on the couch, listening to life going on around me and feeling sorry for myself that I can not join in, I think, “I am taking care of God. This is important work, sitting on the couch healing.”

I can’t work up the same energy or passion when I think of my life in terms of “just me.” But the past few days of thinking of my life in terms of “God within,” I am suddenly able to do a little more and cope better.

Many of you know I up dosed as my taper got pretty hairy. I am now stepping back down, hopeful this time, with God within, I can make the finish line. I understand now that God isn’t “out there” away from me. God is within me. All I need do is turn inward and be comforted.

The mystery is that God lives within each of you and you can share in God’s glory, no matter how sick, how tired, how depressed, how anxious you are. God dwells within you. Take good care of God. You’ll then take good care of yourself.

to nursing God,

Dr. Jenn