I am optimistic about my eventual healing. I trust it will happen, as it should happen. But, I also have a strong desire to control things in my life. So, even though I trust all will be well, I know I exert my own “willpower” onto things, expecting that things will go the way I want them to. That is not always the case.
I couldn’t finish my taper. That was hard for me to swallow. But I went to detox and battled my way off. Now, battling off of the pheno they gave me for withdrawals, I expect that I can scream off of it and be fine. That’s my strong “willpower” talking. My brain had other ideas. I tapered way too fast.
I had one of the worst days since stopping clonazapam on June 22. Today was close to as miserable as some of my time in detox. In a word, a setback.
I felt overwhelmed by the days events earlier. Now, I can take it all in stride as just another day in recovery. It is neither a good or bad day, it just was what is was. I doesn’t mean I won’t heal. It just means I had a wave of intense symptoms. Period.
How we approach our setbacks is important. We don’t need to let them knock us over, or allow them to make us feel that we won’t heal. Or that we are a failure, or any other negative thought we may have. Setbacks are good time to be more tender with yourself.
One thing I am learning the hard way, is how to take care of myself. I have always taken care of others. I don’t always know how to be tender with myself. I am learning. I know how to push myself out the door when I feel lousy, which is a good thing, but I also need to learn when to stay on the couch and watch movies all day if that is truly all my brain and body can handle.
I am learning along with the rest of you. Some lessons for me are intense, and I know I will never forget them. I am grateful for them.
I am grateful I had today as a reminder that I need to surrender to this process and allow it to unfold as it is going to unfold.
I hope you will all bounce back if you have a setback.
To being resilient!