As I type these words, a buzz of electric shocks run though out my body. A vise like tension presses against the back of my skull. Tingles race across the top of my head. The tip of my tongue burns, as does the bottom of my feet. I am short of breath, and engulfed in a wave of heat. My mind keeps screaming that I am going to pass out. My leg bones deeply ache. My neck muscles are a web of tight knots. However, in spite of those sensations, I am radically happy. And I am not paying lip service to those words. You know, the “fake it till you make it,”concept. I am truly happy. In fact, I am joyous, happy and free.
Want to feel that way? It is simple. Maybe not easy, but simple.
Acceptance. It is that simple. I don’t fight the withdrawal sensations any more. I don’t wonder how long they will last. I don’t wonder if I can cope with them. I don’t wonder if they will get worse. I don’t wonder if my brain will never heal and I will be forced to feel this way the rest of my life. I just accept each sensation. No fighting. No running away. No whining. No hating my life. No hating the doctors that put me on Klonopin. Acceptance.
Since I am human, there are moments when I struggle. That is when I suffer. The moment I feel I am suffering, I let go. I stop fighting. Sometimes I have to talk out loud to myself, but I don’t mind. If that helps me surrender to withdrawal so I can stop suffering, that is fine with me.
I know I will heal one day. We all do. I also know I refuse to allow this experience define me. When we think or say, “I am….” whatever we finish that statement with is our reality. I am a child of God. That’s all I need to define my life today. I am well. I am healing. I am able to tolerate the sensations and feelings withdrawal creates. I am whole. I am joyous, happy and free.
I am totally powerless over withdrawal. I surrender to it. I accept it on its terms. In that surrender, I am free from its power. I may have to feel the sensations and feel the feelings it creates, but it does not define me or own me. It is simply passing through. For this too shall pass. How I cope with withdrawal is a testament to how I cope with life in general. I understand I control very little in life. I can only control the way I perceive and react.
Focus on what is good in your life. Turn the spotlight off of your symptoms. Stop giving them energy. Accept the sensations as proof of healing. Stop struggling. Don’t future trip. Be here in this perfect present moment.