A nurse with an Irish brogue put her face a few inches away from mine and yelled, “Push! Push! Push!”, like staccato gunfire, when I was delivering my daughter 23 years ago. I wanted to slap her. I was overwhelmed with pain and fear, and her insistent command angered me. I finally yelled at her to back off. I giggle when I think about me going off on her. She was only trying to help.
Now, I could use her words of wisdom and would welcome feeling her breath on my face, urging me to push on.
Some days, I don’t feel like pushing myself to do anything. I just want to stay curled on the couch and get lost in the numb distraction of watching yet another movie on Netflix. But, I find that when I push myself, I am pleasantly surprised as to how good I feel.
Yesterday was a couch day. But at 7 PM, I pushed myself into the shower, into clean clothes, into my car and off to a meeting I wanted to attend. I felt horrible, but I thought I can feel horrible at home or at my meeting. It turned out to be a wonderful evening and I met a woman who detoxed off of a high dose of Klonpin. We laughed about our audio hallucinations. She was living proof that we heal.It was good to be reminded.
Today, I pushed myself off of the couch and cleaned my bathroom. It has been neglected for months as I have been too sick to care about it. I found my monkey mind running away with me as I scrubbed the tile, “You will always be this weak. Maybe this isn’t withdrawal. You will never be able to work again and die broke and sick.” I yelled “Stop!” and then turned my attention to the tile. I felt the sponge in my hand. I watched the dirt slowly give way to my effort. I felt my muscles working. I became mindful of what I was doing. That took me out of any negative self chatter.
Push! I try to set one small goal every day. When I don’t feel I can accomplish my goal, I push and do my best to push through. Most days I can. And I am always rewarded for my efforts, even if it is just that I don’t feel completely at the mercy of my withdrawal.
I encourage you to push, push, push.
Babies usually don’t swim out on their own. We mothers push them into the world. I feel like at times, I am pushing myself out into a new life, a new world I am creating. That feels insanely joyous.
To pushing!
Dr. Jenn
Those of us who have had children and anyone who has not had children too can all associate with your opening paragraph and with the analogy of needing to push ourselves out of recovering addition into the light and then to begin a new and better life.( even those like me who still rely on pills to live a normal life)
I read in this post of yours the way that being mindful to your surroundings and to what you were doing helped you push the bad voices of fear and panic away and silence them. I have had a wonderful book recommend to me by a physiologist at a pain clinic I attend. At first I pooh, poohed thought of it . I did buy it though and it has been one of the best things ever. It is all about how to cope with pain and illness the mindful way. The author, a fellow sufferer described her symptoms which could of been mine or any ones!
I have found immense help in the book I would like to mention it here as it may help someone else as much as it helps me. I am nothing to do with the writer or the printers just one person in pain offering help to others. The book is called “Living well with Pain and illness” The mindful way to free yourself from suffering. The author Vidyamala Burch , suffers with chronic
back pain.
Today I am tired and in pain but spurred on by you I shall push myself up and out and I am going to meet a friend for a cup of tea. Please keep pushing yourself and writing these post they are just wonderful.
Thank you. I know this reply is long over due. I was deep in recovery and had to walk away from this blog. But I am back!
I hope you are doing well.
Best,
Jennifer