WARNING! I’m writing about my death obsession, so if the word triggers you, please don’t read this post!
The death obsession is lifting. I have had it from the start of my CT. It was so bad in the beginning that every thought was about death. I am not exaggerating. It was awful. The moment I opened my eyes in the morning, my first thought was, “I have to die one day.” Terror swept through me. Not anxiety. Not panic. Terror. Something I had never felt before in my entire life. It was brutal. I couldn’t look at pregnant women or babies because I knew that one day, the baby would have to die. I was very disturbed by old people, for they were close to death. I hated for my parents to call me, even though I desperately wanted their support, but when they called, I would think, “They are going to die one day.” I spent many hours curled up in the fetal position on the floor or in bed, sobbing, over the fact that one day, I will die. I couldn’t weed my garden because I couldn’t bear to kill the plant.
I remember shopping at Whole Foods and being perplexed as to how everyone looked so happy, when they knew they were going to die one day. I would drive past the people milling about the bus stop and wonder why they weren’t scared because surely they knew they had to die one day. I watched video after video about dear death experiences. I mean, I obsessed. And felt terror. Daily. For a very, very, very, long time. One morning while doing the dishes, I tried to think about eternity. Just the thought of it sent terror racing up my spine. I was unable to think about God, for God was both the giver and taker of life. I was convinced God was coming to murder me. Yup, you read it right. Murder me. Not that I would die a normal death, but murder me. I spent hours trying to remember if I was like this pre benzo. I worried that this was just who I was unmedicated. Many day’s I wanted to drive to the ER and get a benzo, or commit myself. I felt totally deranged.
Some days the fear/anxiety/panic/terror was so hard to cope with, I prayed for the thing I was most afraid of. I prayed for death. Deep, aching, sobs tore through my chest as I begged God to end my life. I was exhausted from the torment and suffering.
The body symptoms were unimaginable too, Pain, burning, tingling, fatigue, weakness.., you know what I am talking about. As the months rolled by, then the years rolled by, I never thought I would get better.
But I am.
I can now think about death and not freak out. I don’t think about it all day. I can even pick up the dead birds Sam brings into the garden and give them a burial without falling apart. I always said my death obsession was my worst symptom and it is almost gone. It’s amazing. The intrusive thoughts and obsessions are really and truly 99% gone.
Today I volunteered in a local school garden. Before I got sick, I was a leading expert on raising teens, and a life coach for teens. It was wonderful to be surrounded by middle school students today. Absolutely wonderful. I am a bit weak at times and still muzzy headed, and in pain at times, but my mind is quiet. Calm.
The calm I feel now is the calm MadeinPa writes about. I understand now, something deeper and richer about life. I don’t know how to put it into words, but it is a peace in my heart that I have never felt before. I feel surrendered to life in a way that makes me happy. I truly believe in God, and God’s love for us all. I trust that God has a purpose and a plan for my life if I surrender it to him. I do that every morning now.
I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. But know this: on the other side of your suffering is an amazing richness to life. There is an understanding that falls into place. Calm rushes in. The unimportant things fall away. And guess what? 99% of life is made up of unimportant things.
Love is the important thing. Love for yourself, others and your creator. I finally love myself in a healthy way. The shame of my past has been washed away. I don’t regret the past, nor do I fear the future. I know that one day my remaining sx will go away or be so mild as to not bother me. The hope I lost a while back has returned.
Please keep fighting. Hang on. I know it is hard. Oh, my dear friends, I know how hard it is. I had a very traumatic withdrawal. But I am here to tell you that life gets good again. It gets very good.
I know a wave can come and topple me. I also know that if it does, it will pass.
I am SO grateful to be benzo free! I am so grateful for my healing.
Thank you for sharing this chapter in my life with me. I am grateful for you all.
Keep fighting.
You sound much more positive today Jennifer.
Life on the other side is certainly different. Everything is brighter, clearer, more emotional and full of love.
I continue to recover well and feel calm and happy. I will be a year off on Nov 22nd and there is no doubt that I’m well into healing and regaining my life. It’s wonderful and I want to shout out from the rooftops that it does get better and sometimes sooner than you expect. I also want to give others hope that you can heal in the average time even after forty years of use!
I hope your own recovery continues and the lingering symptoms soon fade into the distance.
Thank you for sharing this Jenn.
Best to you – have a good day,
Kim
Jenn – I sent you an e-mail in response to yours…and I am going to send another one…so glad this has passed for you….it has not totally passed for me…but it is better….Happy you are feeling better…
Ruth
Excellent! Yes, just as the misery is impossible to describe to others who have not experienced the agony of w/d, the calmness, peace, and exhilaration of finally being set free from that agony are equally impossible to describe to those who are still in the depths of suffering and even to “normals.” But, trying to describe the ecstasy of reaching the finish line is a whole lot more enjoyable. Great news, Little Sister. Makes my day.
Don
Dearest Jenn:
I am in tears…..happy tears. I am so happy you are calm and healing and at peace. I pray I
Can join you soon. I am not doing good, lots of fears and regrets. This anxiety when it hits is so overwhelming I cannot be accepting or positive. I pray for peace and calm. I have put myself in Gods hands but…….still suffering.
Thank you for this encouraging post and it’s good to have you back.
Hugs and love,
Karen
What a wonderful post. I am so happy you’re feeling your healing and passing that hope along. Hope is such powerful medicine.
Big hugs.
Why the heck didn’t I see this post until this morning? I’ve read all the other ones in recent days, but for some reason missed this one until this morning! Why?…… because God knew I needed to read it this morning! I’ve been in a wave, what I consider a bad wave, for a couple of days! Although the “death” thoughts have never been a real problem for me, fear has been. And when I’m in the middle of a wave fear is a BIG monster. It’s was so good to read this and hear the spark back in your writing Jen! I’m so thankful to God for putting you in my life at a time when we were both hurting! How I wish I had never started back on this klonopin in Sierra, but I did and I can’t go back. Infact, it was two years ago today that my husband picked me up, I said good-by to you, and had two beautiful months with my husband before the tolerance withdrawals started all over again. I am seeing healing taking place, but the set backs are so hard, as you know! I have a hard time telling myself that this will pass when I’m in the middle of the wave. Thank you again for sharing your story with us! For always coming back after a wave and sharing with us what you have learned, and that you are healing. I will be six months off in a couple of weeks after 18 years of klonopin use, so I guess I have to give my body and brain time to heal!
Blessings!
Carol
Carol It gets better. At six months my fear grew to its largest apex. I don’t have fear like that any more. In fact a large portion of my weekend was spent in the ER with my sick daughter. Last night we were there all night and they admitted her at six am for surgery later today
I’m ok. I’m not riddled with the fear I felt three months ago when she first had this problem.
I still have Benzo issues, trust me, and my service dog Emma is being trained to help me. Mostly movement feelings and DR. But that cold icy grip of fear generated by Benzo damage to the GABA receptors has gone. It just takes time for enough GABA receptors to repopulate so your brain can get more of this amazing calming neurotransmitter.
I know the fear feels awful. But tell yourself it’s not real. It’s not based on reality. It’s just a brain misfiring.
Hope things get better for you.
Soon
Xoxo
I have been reading. Very inspiring and scary to me in same sense.
I have been on 4mg Of K for last 12 yrs and Ativan 6 yrs prior to that. I started taper in August this yr. Im down to 1mg morning and 1mg night. I have gone a long ways but still have a long ways to go.
Thank you all
Bill
Rosalind, will you remind me what you were taking and at what dose? You’re always so positive! I just adore you already! 🙂