Most people I coach on how to cope with benzo withdrawal ask me if they will ever get their old selves back. I tell them yes, and no. Yes, you will get your old self back in that you will remember and know who you are. You’ll be able to feel love, peace, happiness, excitement, and joy again. You’ll remember the things that you used to enjoy doing. You’ll remember your talents. You will be returned to you. No, you won’t be the exact same as you were before benzo withdrawal: you’ll be much better!
One of the many challenging benzo withdrawal symptoms is the lack of feeling like ourselves. I used to feel that me, my sense of self, had been eviscerated. I couldn’t remember who I was. I felt no feelings other than the classic doom and gloom, fear, terror, existential angst, and of course, the physical horrors of withdrawal. There was no shred left of anything that felt like me. I used to stare into the mirror and ask who the reflection was that was staring back at me. It was a terrible time in my life, just as it very well may be a terrible time in your life. We long so much to feel connected to ourselves again and connected to our friends and family, and to life! (And you will be again, in time!)
Once your brain and CNS recovers from the damage caused by the benzo you took, you’ll remember who you are, what you love, what sparks joy, etc. Your intelligence, capabilities, and memory will return. They might return in fits and starts and dribble and drabs, but they will return. Then, after your sense of self has re-established itself, you’ll realize that you are better, stronger, wiser, kinder, more open to life than you’ve ever been before. There is something about going through benzo withdrawal that deepens us, wisens us, opens us. Most of us on the other side of withdrawal feel that life is sweeter than ever! That’s certainly my experience. As I put last years wave behind me, I am amazed at how incredible life is. It’s full of hope and promise, love and laughter, and a deep sense of fulfillment and happiness. I know you’ll experience these things as well, in time.
If you are in that stage of withdrawal where you feel completely devoid of self, and you’re lost and scared, please hold on. Trust that this is just a symptom of withdrawal and that you will get yourself back, and you may discover, like so many of us, that you are “new and improved!.” You’ll see how sweet life is. It really is!
“If you are in that stage of withdrawal where you feel completely devoid of self, and you’re lost and scared, please hold on.”. Jennifer, WOW, I really need to hold on! Thank you for another great post!
Dan
Dan, I’m sorry you’re in that scary place—sorry that anyone is—but do hold on. Life is wonderful this side of withdrawal. Bright blessings.
Thank you Jennifer, you are wonderful!
I’m definitely in a transitioning state at 5 1/2 months off, and this reassurance is necessary and so appreciated. I’m scared and excited, because old feelings are coming back pretty forceful now. Emotions and things I thought were lost are sketchy and scary as I battle lots of physical pain, but knowing it will keep getting better is what has kept me going the past 2 years. My patience seems like its at the ultimate limit, but I know I must keep moving forward no matter how hard it remains. I hope everyone has a nice, calm and lovely week of healing and love!
Thanks Dr Jennifer for your another wonderful and encouraging post . This is my 26th month of benzo withdrawal .I’m still facing scary symptoms, intrusive thoughts,hopelessness and despair .This is also true that good feeling are coming to me now but for a very short time and not very frequently . I’m reading and following your posts since last two years with the hope that I will get myself back . Thanks again Jennifer ,you are great serving for a beautiful cause !!
Regards
Arvind
So very scared at two years I’m getting worse mentally and physically. Don’t know what I’m doing wrong. So scared.
You may not be doing anything “wrong.” Many of us have intense waves of symptoms years out. It is part of the normal healing process. Don’t despair. Healing is happening.
I’m almost 46 months off and still feel very sick and get that Just being off fesk im feeling. Is it very likely that I may still be healing from BENZOS?
Do your memories really come back? I mean I remember stuff, not all but its not completely gone, but literally all my pre-benzo memories feel like they aren’t my memories, like they are not in order and feel like they could be easily have been tv shows. It is very hard to describe, especially seeing as I was travelling and living in an amazing ski village before this so it was a massive jump away from my normal life, its so sad that some of the best memories seem completely fake now.
Yes, your memories will come back. They may take some time, but they will return. For a long time, all I could remember were the bad things that had happened to me in my life. But once I began to heal more, the good memories returned. Oftentimes people say that their memories are like choppy waterfalls, pieces falling down on them in a random way. What you are describing is not that unusual. Hope that is a bit of a relief.
Some of us take a very long time to heal. I know 46 months seems like forever, but sadly, many of us take more time than that. Keep the faith. Keep healing! We do get better.
What causes this symptom of not being ourself? Is it from the depression?, Anxiety? Depersonalization? Are there tools to help it return sooner? (Like anxiety can be helped with meditation). I’m one of those people that needs to put a title on something and I don’t know what to call this symptom. But it’s honestly my last remaining symptom. It makes me overthink all day long. If I am in Walmart I look at people and say “I used to be normal like that”. Is that the feeling that will go away too? I feel the same watching TV. It’s so frustrating…and scary.
I dont Know what causes that feeling. And everyone’s experience is so different and subjective. I used To catch myself feeling that way and I’d gently remind myself that my brain and CNS was still healing andthat I was “Normal” enough. Eventually the hypervigalent observer relaxed and I could live in the moment. It just takes time. Hang in there.
Thank you so much.
That has been one of my biggest issues. Not being myself has caused many problems. I am always aware of the major changes when I need to do many things. The effects of withdrawal are so huge!
What if this feeling takes you to the point that you’re feeling like you’re going insane? Iams this normal?
Thank you again for your reassuring words. I still feel very disconnected from who I remember I was… devoid of my creativity, spontaneity … I avoid company … for I simply can’t connect with myself, and with others, so I have to act life out. All of this is the opposite of who I used to be… and I wonder daily if I will ever ‘come back’. It is as if I became two dimensional… and as if my colourful personality has lost it’s colours and fragrance… I seem a washed out, faded version of who I ever was. I am missing the depth of life as I used to enjoy it… I don’t experience warmth, love, kindness, friendliness, intimacy, or enjoyment…
I experience life in a mechanical way, but understand that I still can be grateful as I am at the moment. I don’t feel grateful but I know I can choose to be grateful as I am …
Being with people is harder because I find myself cold and distant towards even my closest ones … It often causes awkward situations but I try to accept this as it is at the moment… It is a lonely place to be, because no one knows how isolating this experience is… but still, within this arctic winter mood it is possible to say: thank you to Life, and accept the boundaries that are set for me at the moment… On this lonely journey, your messages are encouraging and are a hopeful reminder that change can happen… so thank you Jennifer.