Shame. Most of us experience it in benzo withdrawal. For some of us, it comes roaring into our lives like a freight train. It touches every corner of our daily existence. For others, it seeps in slowly, almost imperceptibly, but it’s there, taunting us. Even for those of us who felt strong and confident before a benzo or on a benzo, withdrawal can rip that away. We are left with self-doubt and confusion. No matter how accomplished we were before withdrawal, now it all seems non-existent, completely forgotten. We limp along worried that we are unworthy and that no matter what we do, we will never regain our footing or our stride. But that fear is groundless. Shame is just another benzo withdrawal symptom that fades away as we heal.
Part of the shame that we feel is tied to what is called “life review.” It’s another one of those wonky benzo withdrawal symptoms that comes out of the blue. Life review is just what it sounds like: we review our lives, and we do so with the most unforgiving microscope. In benzo withdrawal, I remembered stupid things I had done in my teens and twenties; things I’d long ago forgotten. I’d relive the smallest of details and view them as proof of my unworthiness. It wasn’t just old memories that made me feel shame. I was ashamed of who I was in the present moment. I thought that my withdrawal symptoms meant that I was a failure somehow, that it was an indication of my weakness; some innate flaw in my makeup. Of course, that was nonsense, but at the time, it sure felt real.
That’s the problem. Our shame feels real. We aren’t able to see it for what it is, just another benzo withdrawal symptom, like burning skin, head pressure, or the tingles. My shame came and went like all of my other withdrawal symptoms. Once my GABA receptors repaired themselves, my shame lifted all of its own. Yours will too. What can you do in the meantime, while your brain is cobbling itself back together? Here are some suggestions.
Don’t take your shame head-on in a debate, because chances are good, that with downregulated GABA receptors, you won’t be a match for it. Instead, find ways to move gracefully with it. Accept that it is a part of recovery and don’t give it much energy. Spend some time every day getting in touch with the part of you that is still underneath all of your benzo symptoms, and honoring it. From there, you may have an easier time being a neutral observer of your shame, instead of being overwhelmed by it. It’s important to hold on to the knowledge that you are still whole and intact deep inside. Benzo withdrawal can’t touch you there.
If you are struggling with shame, know that it will loosen its grip on you as soon as your brain repairs itself more. You are not going to walk around feeling less than and unworthy forever. In fact, if you keep your heart open in benzo withdrawal, you’ll find that once it is over, you will feel incredibly good about yourself for having navigated one of the most complex and challenging illnesses known to man. That “S” that you now wear on your chest for “Shame” will turn into an “S” for “Super Hero!” Hold on. Your recovery is just around the corner. I hear it calling your name!
This is how I’m feeling at the moment. I am tortured with obsessions, rumination, anxiety, guilt and shame. Have felt dreadful for days dealing with all these mental symptoms. Very distressing.
Thank you for highlighting this as it lightens my mood.
You are doing a great job.
Liz
I am 65 and have been prescribed benzos since I was 12, so I really don’t know who I am. As, what I call the “memory dump” and you call the “life review”, seemed normal for someone of my age, I never thought that this horror of remembering all my failures, was a benzo effect. I am much relieved, in a way. Hour after hour my mind throws out memories of things I did for which I feel such shame. I want to die, when I remember pain I caused others. I am humiliated by my life. I meditate regularly, trying to bring myself to the present. Previously, I was in a fog that protected me. I cannot find anything worthwhile I ever did. The second I feel good about something, the stronger the memories of failure attack me. After being on benzos for so long, and taken off and put back on them, I have probably lived most of my life in withdrawl or interdose tolerance. It’s hard to figure things out.
Thanks Jennifer
SHAME… Yes that uninvited intrusion… the constant mind chatter, what I like to call static interference. The YOU ARE, YOU DID, YOU WORTHLESS PITIFUL PIECE OF S#&T. Belittling put downs, insults. Caught in the turbulence, held down by its relentless grip, pulling me down as I down in the darkness… SHAME.
Thank God this is just a temporary state of the mind…
Yes bashing the shit out of yourself everyday for every mistake you have made , for the stupid decisions you have made to lead you into benzo hell , yep this is me everyday , along with every other sympton you can imagine , and isn’t it fun watching a romcom on TV and everyone is happy drinking , socialising and talking about all their problems with which girl I should date . All while I’m sitting on my couch retarted and not human !!!
Yes, Jennifer. After 33 months this too, is finally abating. My partial window is holding. The mental symptoms are lessening their grip on me but I seem to be experiencing an uptick in physical symptoms. Is this normal? Thanks.
Wow, yet another wonderful blog where you recognize EVERYTHING you read. Thank you for this, as this thing drags on the validation that all this is normal is needed more and more. I cannot wait for the book and feel I will want to stand on a street corner (yes really) holding a placard to wake up the world to this.
That is what we need, Katy. The Western press is reticent to write about this. Even in England, where laws have been changed around benzos and people are heard, the problem continues. A friend went on the Benzo section of Reddit. He made a comment about how destructive Xanax, etc, are. He was overwhelmed by angry Xanax users who thought it was the best thing to come along in years. I think this is symptomatic of widespread denial . We have to keep harping at people like Dr Oz to bring this to light. I write him everyday to tell him. We have to break the silence or we will have a society of zombies in the agonies of withdrawl. More crimes are committed when benzos are prevalent. It’s inevitable.
Thanks for this post, Jennifer! I can sure relate to all this “shame” with a capital “S.” Sheesh! As I look back at where I was when I came off these dang benzos (about three years ago), I was so sick with so many symptoms and reliving all the trauma and shame that I had buried deep inside of me! That, in and of itself, is very shaming!
The worst thing to do in benzo w/d is reading benzo w/d stories , they scare you and make your symptons far far worse and take away all hope
Dave I grapple with that constantly. I am torn between knowing the truth and maintaining hope. I am scared out of my mind as I taper and lead a wasted life of distracting myself. I do enjoy the resources I employ to help me. I like the way lights are starting to come on. In some ways, it’s a time of discovery. Otherwise, all I can do is trudge along and try everything I can to make myself more comfortable.
Kathy what are those resources you use ? Where are you at with your taper ? Are you suffering from severe depression and if so how do you handle it ?
Hi Dave. I use a lot of mindfulness practices. I have programs led by two of my favourite PhD’s in Western Psychology as well as having integrated mindfulness into therapy: Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. I find the approach they both use is so helpful in dealing with the hard stuff in all aspects of my life. Plus it allows me to learn something new, ease my mind, alleviate pain, train me how to deal with difficult stuff. It’s both mind and body work so that we train our brains to be able to soothe ourselves, plus helping focus. It feels healing and gives me more confidence. I need something calming to replace pills. We can do so much on our own.
I have a cannabis license for pain and anxiety. A great resource. I’ve been on the political front line of the cannabis legalization battle here in Canada. That history is fascinating to me. It’s great to find subjects you are passionate about to study. It helps the brain. I try to do stretching and chair aerobics 3 x a week. I have workbooks in which I do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the only form of therapy that’s been proven to help pain and anxiety. I also write in a Mindfulness workbook. This stuff really works and makes wd less awful and my ability to be present with people around much easier. I can actually laugh with my son. Something new for us. I get great support and education on FB groups for Benzo withdrawl. Great people there. I also have a good dr and pharmacist who are there if I need them. I get Botox shots for chronic migraines to save myself a whole new level of pain and illness. I have 3 ppl who I know will help me, if needed. One I have to pay, but it’s worth it. I count all these as resources: anything that helps my brain and body.
I read a lot of audiobooks, and regular ones if I can. That’s important. Music helps the brain as well – from classical to heavy metal. I can’t watch many movies, but there are a few that make me feel better. Recently I discovered The Big Short – one of the best I’ve seen in years. I get really excited about high quality films and books. If you love certain kinds of films, or music or books, slowly try to reintroduce them into your life. I couldn’t listen to music for ages bc it was too emotional for me. Now I can listen to a bit. I never force myself. I like to have lots of choices of things to do and keep a list. So I rarely end up on the couch watching Dr Phil. Today, though, I am on the couch watching Dr Phil. That’s one of my options and I treat all my choices equally and free of guilt. The longer my list of things that help, the less frustrated I am. I can see that I do have choices. I even got involved in politics this year for the first time in a decade. Whatever turns your crank. You just have to counter the negative messages the benzos keep shouting in your ear. They lie.
I started at 10mg of Ativan well over a year ago. I’m 65 and was on and off benzos since I was 12. My shrink prescribed them for homesickenss. Anyway I got off them once before but the dr tapered me too fast and I ended up in hospital all messed up and misdiagnosed. So now I am at 3.5mg of Valium, which is a lot less than 3.5 mg of Ativan. After that I still have one pain med and one AD to go off, if I can live that long. I am determined to spend the next years totally as myself. As few drugs as possible.
I think the benzos control my moods these days, but that is getting better. Mostly I suffered, and still do a little, from fear.
Fear of being alone, fear of not being able to take care of myself or my house or my animals.The state of the world made me both afraid and sad. I think once we know about the benzo damage we suffer, we get a whole cascade of memories that J. writes about as a life review. All I could do was condemn myself for failures. But what we really need is to grieve what we’ve lost and employ ourselves as healers. I am far less depressed since tapering to where I am. The mindfulness and exercise work well to help the body and brain while it heals. I can just deal with everything so much better.
I have to choose to believe that getting off Benzos will make my life better. Expect the best, but prepare for the worst. I think that depression hides a lot of stronger emotions like anger and fear. This is getting better, but I needed to express my emotions. Once I identify what it is I am afraid of, I have to face it and act on it. For instance, my worst fear is to not be wanted. I had a friend who constantly triggered that fear. I tried talking about it with her and finally gave up. She was toxic to me so I had to completely minimize her role in my life. That helps. I work on getting rid of all the clutter in my life and my house.
So I spend my days trying to help myself deal with benzo withdrawl and chronic pain. It’s been a time of reflection for me. If I have a problem, I talk about it. That’s why I love those FB groups. It’s good support from people who have or are going through what we have and few others understand. It is my lack of connection to others that caused me to be on benzos. I am trying to reverse that. I don’t look to pills or doctors anymore. I just reach out to good people to share information with me. Just like you did. It does help and I’m glad you did.
PS. Sex and intimacy are also good for you, even if you don’t want to do it, or can’t. Obviously I’m talking about consensual sex, that gets endorphins moving. Just as much as you are comfortable with. I had a bad headache the other day and a friend hugged me a good long time. After, the headache was gone.
Kathy wow that’s amazing that you’ve been able to do all those things and the sex thing , you’re so right , being a man who was always fit and active and never having a shortage of amazing women in my life was so good , I was very confident but now I can’t even look at a women in the eyes and it’s so lonely being on your own feels like I’ve totally lost my manhood , to see do many beautiful women around and not even being able to say hello is soul destroying. , I often lay awake in bed crying that I’ll never be with a women again !
Not only with all the horrible mental withdrawal symptons , dp/ dr , intrusive thoughts , suicidal thoughts etc etc , depression is so awful , so hard to even take a shower make a meal it’s totally crippling . Not yet suffering many physical symptons apart from pins and needles and feeling like there’s flys walking in my body , there not to bad .
Since I’m unable to motivate myself to do anything my father is absolutely convinced I should go to a rehad centre where I’ll be feed well and taught mindfulness , yoga etc
Although J insists that they should be completly avoided I’m thinking about it but am also very scared because my CNS my not handle the reduction , but at this stage I’m all out if options , what are your thoughts on this ?
And thank you for your care and contribution x
Dave
PS I can’t listen to music anymore which is awful because I live heavy metal and have played guitar for years , the music is to intense and hypes me up to much , which is what I used to love about it , movies and TV to are difficult because my brain gets offended by anything as it is so sensative , even the Simpsons upset me , just awful
Dave it’s hard to have an intimate relationship when I can’t take a shower, lol. Seriously though, I think we will recover, but this drug seems to know what to do to keep us isolated. I’ve started personifying Benzos as they always interfere with things I want to do or need to do. I talk to them and tell them they are liars, then I try to reverse what they are telling me. This is a bit delusional, but I find it helps distance who I am from what the drug wants me to think I am. I’ve always been sensitive, but it became a huge problem. Everything offended me. It was either too violent or too stupid. That “sharpness of emotion” has dulled as I taper.
I should turn over your question to Jennifer. I can only offer an opinion. There is no rehab centre that deals with Benzos as far as I know. I looked into that where I live and they don’t exist. Most are set up to deal with opiates. Benzo withdrawl is so complex and lengthly that a new kind of program would have to be designed and funded . I would be afraid of being prescribed more AD’s in a rehab centre.
I know I go on and on about meditation, but it really has taken the edge off those sensitivities. Even if you can take 10 minutes a day to clear your mind from the benzo-lies, meditation can help.
Keep asking questions, Dave. We will get to the other side of this, knowing that these drugs can create a false reality for us. Go slowly, do what feels right if it doesn’t cause harm. For me, this is like having to start my life over again. What are we going to do ?
It’s not delusional we do all sorts of crazy shit coming off this poison , I am so lost and don’t even remember what I used to be like. , don’t know what it feels to me normal anymore. , I have holes everywhere in my apartment from punching and head butting walls and doors , I hate sitting around all day but don’t wanna go outside , hate TV hate music hate everything , so distressed , don’t know what to do and becoming dumper by the day can’t remember anything and having trouble spelling correctly and even speaking , awful
I didn’t wake up to my own confused and confusing behaviour until someone I barely knew pointed it out. It was true. I didn’t know what I was doing and still don’t, although I am better. I am 3 mg of Valium away from being off this poison. I feel better tapering as far as I have. I also feel like a different person and hated everything. When I got down to 5mg of Valium, the hate started to go. I started getting interested in things. I had to find ways to pass my days having done something significant. So I found stuff to occupy and, hopefully, to enrich myself. Are you doing a taper? The only choice we have is to get a decent doc to help us get off it. Barring that, we have to do it ourselves. There’s lots of help on FB groups.Best wishes, Dave. I know how much this sucks.
Kathy what are these fb groups you speak of. ? Are you having do /dr and severe depression and how are you around people ie friends , family , strangers because I’m starting to freak out around people can’t seem to relax in front if them and get offended by most everything people say because I’m not able to do things they suggest and get angry because they don’t understand what this is like , I feel my fear is growing upon itself and getting worse by the day
Dave if you go on FB and type Benzos in the search a number of groups will come up. I am in a few of them: Benzo Awareness, B. Recovery, Blazing Benzos. I can’t remember all their names. I know you don’t like your dad’s suggestions and he needs to know there are no rehab facilities for Benzo withdrawl. They don’t exist. Any rehab facility will just put you on more drugs such as Antidepressants. I do agree, though, that meditation is a real answer to this. I have a number of guided meditations and I practice it at least 10 minutes a day, often more as I get into it. I can’t believe how it’s helped me change my attitudes and beliefs. It’s very practical, everyday stuff, and something I’d needed all my life.
I’ve never felt more afraid as I have the last 3 years. That’s a tough one, as we all have things we fear, but this fear is exaggerated, irrational and basically useless. Once I got down to about 3.5 mg of Valium, the awful fear went away. I’ve not felt much anger in my life, but it’s been there. Through my taper, I’ve come out of the fog and numbness. That’s when I got angry. I am such a polite person, but I lost it with a longtime friend who really overstepped my boundaries. I lost it in front of her and several others. It was a crazy rant but I felt cleansed afterwards and I’ve never looked back. My anger, like my fear, may be justified, but at this point in my taper, all my emotions have thawed. They are exaggerated and new to me, having been drugged so long. I have to learn how to regulate my emotions now, so my rants can be more to the point.
The only thing that really helps me is meditation. There’s no short cuts, very few people will understand what you’re going through and I don’t know how ppl can work during a taper. Be patient, Find things to distract you – stuff you really enjoy. Be kind to yourself. Join the FB groups for info and support. See you there, Kathy
The sense of shame may be seen as not just a mere symptom of withdrawal.
It is also,in my case,the awareness of never having been myself for all the many years I was under the influence of these medications.
It may be a part of a sick ‘life review’ process,but isn’t it also a fact,that I was just not in any way myself for so long,while on benzos since my late teens,on for over 35 years?
The instances of myself acting as a sort of puppet throughout these years come back to haunt me,and I am ashamed indeed,as I look back.
I wish I could simply dismiss this distress as yet another symptom,but I think it is also an inevitable result of the spellbinding effect of the drug gradually lifting as I proceed with my taper-
I am still on a high 3,5 mg of Ativan per day- and the realisation dawning more and more upon me of the extent of the damage suffered by my very sense of identity and character as a result of protracted benzo dependence. The people I failed because of my inability of being present there when most needed,and much more.
These are in my opinion facts with which it is very hard to come to terms.
Luca My life and sense of guilt for my actions haunts me. I do carry the shame of feeling that I failed at everything I did. When my son told me he watched my eyes all the time since he was a little kid. He told me that something changed in my eyes and he was afraid of that something. I was horrified by that. What harm did I do that kid? And all the harm I was doing myself . I’m glad you are experiencing some relief with your taper. It does get better. But then we have to deal with the devastation we’ve left behind me.
Kathy Yours too is an extreme history of dependence on the same substance.
When faced with that devastation-where does that begin,I ask myself and cannot find an answer-,there is no apparent way out of there.
It is just so hard to take what you write about your son looking at your eyes.
What about the friends I failed,in crucial circumstances,because I had already retreated into a realm of unreality,always divorced from any authentic concern for others,’secure’ within that permanent and inhuman benzo bubble?
People who are not there any longer,not even possible to make amends.
But even aside from those cases,I would have ask so many people,just about everyone,
Please forgive me for not ever being myself. There is no silver lining there.
I need to believe that from within that bubble a part of my humanity was spared.
Apart from that,I can only practice radical acceptance and make actual amends in the time I have left.
Aww, Luca, we are so hard on ourselves. It’s so easy to blame ourselves and I don’t know a way out either. I also work on Radical Acceptance and do lots of mindfulness exercises. I like Tara Brach’s book Finding True Refuge as well. I have problems with the concept of forgiveness. I guess it’s bc I can’t forgive myself. I’ve given up on friends who can’t be bothered listening to what is happening for me. Yet I have one friend who was a lifetime opiate addict. At age 61 he’s off opiates, but has benzo induced dementia. I’ve struggled with my life for the last 10 years, not knowing the causes of my problems. When I learned it was Benzos and started getting free of them, I could see what they had done to my friend. He’s been given a script for life, but he can no longer control his meltdowns. I don’t want to end up like him. Take heart, Luca, if you can survive the taper, which you can, you will still be angry, but you will at least feel better.