If you have to ask what derealization is, you have most likely avoided that benzo withdrawal symptom—lucky you! Derealization is described in different ways by different people. For me, it felt as if I was behind my eyeballs, knowing that I was watching what I was watching. Everything felt fuzzy and dreamy—as if I wasn’t quite dialed into the station—but at the same time, there was a hyper-awareness taking place that was exhausting. My derealization went on for a very long time.
I could cope with derealization (DR) when I was gardening in my front yard. I wasn’t as stressed around my flowers as I was around people. Something about trying to listen, read facial expressions, interpret body cues, was too much for my damaged brain. Anything that required an emotional investment or any type of discernment threw me into a wave of bizarre DR. (Driving was the all-time worst trigger!) Of course, no one other than myself knew I was experiencing an altered reality, but that was of little comfort to me. I knew I was messed up and it was awful.
I didn’t have a good handle on how to cope with the DR the first six months or so. Granted, I had a laundry list of symptoms I was battling, so I didn’t have a great deal of stamina to battle everything. But after awhile, as the intensity of my cold-turkey symptoms gradually diminished, I had to face the DR head on. I used four main tools to cope with DR.
- Acceptance. I know that’s a tough one for many of us. But it did help me to cope with the derealization, especially while driving. (Driving was my worst trigger.) I tried to get on with my life the best way possible. I’d often remind myself that I was going to be walking around in “weirdsville” when I went out in public and to accept the fact and keep going.
- Distraction. It’s a mainstay in the benzo withdrawal coping skills toolshed. I distracted with gardening, word puzzles, writing, games on my cell phone, painting, and being of service to my friends as often as I could. Putting the focus on something or someone other than myself helped a great deal. It didn’t decrease my DR, but it decreased my preoccupation with my self-pity over it.
- No fear. I stopped fearing DR and that helped make it far more tolerable. Without the fuel of fear to increase the flames, it usually smoldered instead of raging into an out of control wildfire. I used a lot of self-talk to calm myself down when things heated up.
- Resting. My DR often flared up when I extended too much energy—Physical, mental, or emotional. Time out to rest allowed my CNS to settle down. I preferred a quiet room with soft, soothing music. I created a healing music station on Pandora that became a favorite. Candles, low light, a warm blanket, and good music always helped.
I’m sure there are other ways to combat derealization. What do you do when it flares up? Feel free to share your thoughts with us. BTW, I can’t remember when my DR went away for good. Four years? More? I can drive, be in loud venues, talk to a group of people, and generally have my CNS activated without any DR showing up. I know yours will go away as well, in time.
Thank you so much for this post, derealization is one of the side effects I am going through.
I am so grateful for your help!
Thank you, Jennifer. I had periods of DR during taper and have experienced it post taper. The first time, I kept trying to figure out what was happeneing to me and concluded I was just dehydrated, but the symptom persisted. Doing more research, I knew. Initially, just understanding what it was helped. Acceptance, I guess. I use the ‘touch, taste, see, hear, smell something’ exercise to help ground me.
Laundry became and continues to be a thing. Being aware of the simple steps of sorting clothes, setting the machine dials, putting the soap in, folding, etc. Feeling the warm clothing and perfecting the presentation. Something about having one thing in my life feel clean, orderly, and finished. And it makes me grateful I have clothing to wear, sheets to lie upon, towels to dry myself because I have a warm bath. Mindfulness, I guess.
Wonderful post! Depersonalization post next? That was scary!
Lissa
Depersonalization, YUK, you are right about that, Lissa!
Sometimes derealization is a godsend to me. I have so many symptoms at once and am bedridden. It’s calming to me.
Like Lissa, just knowing that the symptom actually existed helped calm my down. I wasn’t going insane. Having said that, it’s still the most unsettling symptom. I can handle many physical things, but the mental ones, especially DP/DR make you feel removed from the human experience. What helps me is: 1) trusting that withdrawal ends, and with it, every symptom; 2) knowing myself that over time the symptom of DP/DR has lessened. It hasn’t gone away, but it has lessened, which leads me to believe that one day it will all go away; and 3) I find that distraction helps, and trying to move my attention away from it. I find the more I think/worry/obsess about it, the more it says, “I’m still here.” So, distraction it is!
Hey Jen, Is there a way to subscribe to your blog again so I don’t miss posts or have to come to check?
Thanks,
Lisa
xo
Yes. THere should be a pop up on the front page, or the blog page that encourages you to subscribe. It is different than signing up for the 3 coping skills report, just FYI. I am now posting Mondays and Thursdays.
And, I agree with Jim! I feel like I can handle the physical symptoms, even when they are severe, much better than the psychological circus that can perform in my head. Except the panic. Panic attacks aren’t negotiable.
Today, I revisited my childhood and cut paper snowflakes to include in my holiday cards. I thought about cutting away at the ‘negative space’. Mindful and artistic activity, so two birds with one stone. I thought about you all, feeling grateful knowing I’m not alone. 🙂
Jennife,when did your fear of God leave and you felt love in it’s place? It has been my worst sx.I’m almost 30 months off and it has been with me for the last 24.I have “known” God all of my 63 years and to have that taken away by withdrawal has truly been hell. I now know that hell is total and complete separation from God,or at least it feels that way. My brain has questioned everything that I was brought up to believe and I was raised in the pew, so to speak.My father was a minister. Is it true that the things you loved and cared about are at the top of the list of things you loathe during recovery? God was first in my life and now doesn’t seem to even exist.Could you please address this horrible side affect sometime? If fear would leave I would consider myself healed. I believe that “perfect Love” does cast out all fear. When will He come back to where I can feel Him again? I can’t survive without love.
Great post. I start my taper tomorrow. Absolutely terrified. I would love a post on when does your sleep return. Thanks for your help & support to all of us.
Good luck, Heidi! Everyone has a different journey during withdrawal and recovery. Maybe yours won’t be as challenging in certain instances as it is in others experiences. Stay as informed around symptoms and relief as you are able, and, I love what Jenn says about ‘babying your Central Nervous System’. I wish I had done more of that. Every discomfort is your brain healing! Happy Healing!
Thank you Lissa!
My taper will be fast under my doctor unfortunately, but she seems supportive. It will take awhile to heal.
I have gone from 3 xanax a today to 1 over a 2 month period for panic disorder and my worst side effect is depersonalisation. Horrible feeling but I think of being xanax free and anxiety free and that feeling definitely outweighs the feelings of depersonalisation which I know will eventually go. Not easy but it will be worth it the end.