When I was in my first year of benzo withdrawal, life was intense, to say the least. I had a laundry list of symptoms. I was exhausted from the minute-to-minute suffering and struggle. All I wanted was a few minutes of “normal.” I drove to a party supply store to look for decorations for Thanksgiving. It would be a bit of a distraction from all the weirdness going on in my mind and body. That was the goal, at least.
When I got out of my car, I couldn’t help but notice the convertible parked next to me. The leather on the seats reminded me of the car a boyfriend of mine had owned when we were both twenty-one. I was immediately awash in old feelings and memories that I had absolutely no control over. I was stuck in some crazy movie-like drama in my mind, drowning in emotions I didn’t want to feel.
Like Intrusive thoughts, intrusive memories pop into our minds and flood us with feelings. We never know what may trigger a memory. We feel so out of control! It’s exhausting and uncomfortable, to say the least.
If you are plagued by intrusive memories, here are ten things that you can do to cope.
- Understand that intrusive memories are part of the withdrawal syndrome for many people. They don’t signify any type of mental illness. They don’t mean that you are losing your mind. It can be uncomfortable to be flooded with the emotions tied to an intrusive memory, but they aren’t harmful.
- Know that intrusive memories come to an end. You won’t go through the rest of your life being trigged by every little thing that you encounter!
- If you feel overwhelmed by a memory, breathe in to the count of seven and our to the count of eleven. That breathing pattern helps calm down your neurophysiology.
- Take a gentle walk when you experience an intrusive memory. Moving your body is a good way to allow the energy of your emotions to pass through you.
- Get grounded. If a memory feels frightening, look around at your surroundings. Name things that you see. Feel the ground under your feet. Touch something close to you. Remind yourself that you are in the here and now and that the memory is just that, a memory.
- Don’t fight the memory. Allow it to bubble up and pass through you. It won’t stick around, and the energy you extend attempting to push it away isn’t worth it.
- Be a neutral observer. “Watch” yourself experiencing the memory. Don’t judge anything about the experience.
- Call and talk to someone if you are triggered and want support. Talking to someone who understands benzo withdrawal and all of its strange symptoms can be helpful.
- Get creative! Drawing, painting, sculpting—anything creative—can take your mind off of an intrusive memory and reduce stress chemicals, too.
- Turn on some soothing music and take a warm bath. It’s a good coping skill for many of life’s rough edges!
Intrusive memories may sound like a benign phenomenon to someone who hasn’t experienced them, however, they can be overwhelming. In benzo withdrawal, we are often afraid of our thoughts and feelings because we have so little control over them. When you add intrusive memories into the mix, it can feel like the straw that will break the camel’s back. Fortunately, intrusive memories fade away as our GABA receptors heal.
What are some of the ways you cope with intrusive memories? Feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts.
Thank you for the words on intrusive memories. I am a recovering benzo addict and phenobarbital addict. My husband of 33 yrs had an affair at ur 28. I just found out about it. Now I am at 1mg of lorazepam and trying to also go through the process of forgiving. He told me revert thing in detail and I am reliving the memory of this everyday. He says so much had to do with my drug addiction. My addiction counselor says to keep focusing on me and the choices I have made. But I am so hurt and betrayed and yes there was problems with his verbal abuse and behavior that vastly contributed to putting me on the Rd to addiction. He wants me to forgive him desperately and I love him much . Is this mostly withdrawal or is it real?
To add to my comment I also want to add that he has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression recently. I had begged him to get help for years but he would go on antidepressant and then quit abruptly for months not telling me. He was kind and attentive and then mean and hateful over and over . Always telling me that my med dependence was the problem . He says he partly had the affair out of anger at me. I feel split right down the middle. I lived on eggshells with his temperament and my own physical and emotional problems with fibromyalgia and Lupus. Help us there help for me to stop these intrusive memories and just live in the present. We have both changed a lot . But I still feel like the victim.
I was just speaking with someone today about this very subject. With the holiday season here, I’ve experienced memories, good and bad.It helps to remind myself what feels acyually are. Knowing that feelings are not personality traits. They are energy that flows through us. It is alright to look at them, feel them (good or bad), and let them flow through. I agree that fighting them makes it all the more upsetting. Look at them as being outside of yourself and watch them come and go. Practice mindfulness. Use all of your senses: touch, smell, hear, see, taste.
I love this post, Jennifer. Thank you for your experienced insight.
Lissa
I am struggling terribly with good memories that keep flooding into my head , they remind me of when I was normal and I can’t handle the fact that I’m unable to live life like everyone else I know does , I can’t stand seeing people having fun because I’m unable to have any . My depression is so bad I can barely shower and it’s so hard for me to even make food. , I usually get take out because of the depression , my diet is terrible . I have suicidal thoughts 24/7 and cannot stop stressing out over everything , I truly see no way or hope and scared to walk out my front door , I’ve lost everything , feel completely dehumanised and need help desperately
Sorry for the long comment but this is only 1% of the problems I think I have , hope somebody can help me please
Thank you
How can we help you David? Let us know what you need.
It would be hard to tease out what is what, but benzo withdrawal could be making everything much more intense.
I find your advice here rare and most valuable.
Intrusive thoughts and memories I cannot control are all that my withdrawal has been about so far.
Your point 8 I believe is key.
Perhaps being able to tell someone who is there with you about a flashback like the one you had at the sight of the leather seats could not just mean a major relief,but alzo mean something in itself for the person who could hear and relate to that kind of intense and painful experience.
It could be a unique opportunity,from within the oppressive isolation of BWD,to communicate something which is more than just a symptom,and has a meaning of its own that can be shared.
If there is even just a little thing in this most lonely experience that a sympathetic listener could follow at a common human level of experience,that woud do so much to make one feel what she is living is more than a claustrophobic personal nightmare.
Valuable point, Luca. I don’t experience intrusive thoughts that often, and I’m so sorry that you do. Indeed, expressing it to someone you are with could be so helpful. Hoping you’re coping!
Lissa
David,
I want to ask you: is every day,and each moment,as you describe?
You must experience days and moments of relative relief.
Please try and see if you can treasure them more,keep track of them more than what has been the case so far.
It cannot be a level plateau of despair.
You must get a minimum of rest by night.
Value as much as you can those moments.
If you have anyone near,
reach out,and try to give voice as much as possible to what you experience.
It won’t last for ever,
not the way you describe it-
not for very long either.
Only,make an effort and TALK of it,your voice asks to be heard.
That is my advice.
Thanks Jennifer and Luca
No it’s not all day everyday , I’ve been taking Circadin for 9 months so I do sleep 6-8 hours but I find it near impossible to get out of bed because I fear the day , having nothing to do and I’m so bored , I feel weird going outside because everyone else is just going about their normal lives , it’s like the fear just grows and grows , I can’t find one thing I enjoy going to apps or to the gym or supermarket is awful because of the dr/dp and agoraphobia
The doctor took me off 8-10 Mgs xanax a day told me to take 20 Mgs of valium and cut down by 5 Mgs a week until 0 and I went completely mad then they tried to re-em state me on 40 Mgs of Valium and same thing happened so now I’m taking 1.75 Mgs of klonopin down from 2.5 and am struggling badly , I’ve seen so many do called professionals without sucess , now the latest guy wants me to go to public hospital to detox of everything in 10 days and my father is hassling me to do that and we all know what will happen if I to the detox I’ll totally lose it , so I’m completey stuck and don’t know what to do
Regards.
David
David,
it appears the doctors you consulted made a major mess of your medications issues.
Dr. Leigh and others will be better placed to address this aspect of your predicament.
It will be a matter of stabilzing on a dose you are comfortable with,and start slowly tapering from there.
My advice was aimed at trying to make it better after the meds issues have been somehow dealt with.
This deep helplessness and severe depression,most intense in the morning in spite of sufficient rest.
Do you feel you have enough support from the people around you at home?
You mention your father.
Do you have a good way to communicate,with him and others?
Do you feel you lack a sympathetic listened,who can be really present there by your side?
Important as they are,it is not just a matter of meds and doctors.
One needs just as much reliable people around when one’s confidence is so low.
I still do not know,and wish to ask you again,is your voice being heard the way it needs by anyone around you?
Please do not believe that withdrawal is an issue that can ever be solved in a void.
That,at least,has been my own experience so far.
Luca
Yes my voice is being heard but all I get in response is normal peoples logical thoughts and ideas , go to the gym , go walking go for a swim , start having positive thoughts , stop being so negative etc etc
Plus it seems as though every mistake I’ve made in the past has blown up 1000 times out of proportion and can’t stop ruminating about everything and senseless stupid fear of anything . Did you have those experiences ??
I never really had anxiety b4 they put me on xanax and it’s really hard being that now I have mental health problems , now I’m starting to think I’ve always been mental. , I hope that’s just a part of withdrawal and that I don’t truly believe it , it’s like my brain is out of control and I have no power to control it anymore , really worried I’m gonna do something really stupid , ahh the whole thing is absolute hell
I believe this 10 day detox is a really bad idea , what do you think ?
But I’m struggling so bad at the moment don’t know how I’m gonna get through and I’m not even off the klonopin yet !!
Yes David
unfortunately I know all to well what you are talking about,in your previous post too.
That feeling about a new day you have in the morning.
Still I have to say,strictly in elementary terms,of what helps in benzo withdrawal,
I learnt the hard way that I have to get out no matter what,reach that tiny nearby park by all means,walk that
1/2 hour every day.
Whenever I fail to do that it is so much worse.
If I do not get out 2 days running,I am 10 times the worse for that.
But there is rarely anyone by my side during those walks,that would be vital to regain a better hold on those damaging thoughts you also seem to experience.
A 10 days detox is not the way of course.
I have been on these meds for years,but with no shifts,all the time Lorazepam only,so it is from that I am tapering,as one of this substances in your brain is more than enough.
I do not know how it is like when more than one medication is involved.
Hi, I wish I had swen this website earlier!
In july 2011 I started a self taper off of valium that my Dr had me on for over two years without mentioning that it had a serious withdrawal syndrome…I probably shouldve researched this before or at least when I was on it.
Basically, almost three weeks after tapering 5mg daily over a period of three weeks I started getting severe withdrawal symptoms. I didn’t tell my Dr I wanted to stop them and was that ever a mistake. I never even told my fiance either which was another mistake. The withdrawals happened suddenly one morning at work and I didn’t even realize they were withdrawals in the first place (how could I gave not known). I phoned my fiance from work and said I was freaking out with anxiety and she didn’t ask if I had taken a valium, I made it through the day but I Def shouldve called my Dr right away
The next day I felt okay right after getting up but shortly after I started feeling major anxiety and called into work saying I couldn’t come in. I then went to my Dr and told him my anxiety was bad and maybe needed to take time off work…he never asked about the valium.
The next day I had another appt and then told him my anxiety was through the roof and he gave me alprazolam. He assumed I was still taking the valium and earlier before I completely went off he had increased the valium but I was already tapering and stupidly didn’t tell him. The reason I wanted off of it so badly was I came across a website that claimed valium could cause ringing ears and that’s what I was experiencing when I was on the Internet at the time. That was actually why I was on the Internet! Right away I wanted off of the pills. I went on alprazolam and took time off work…I should’ve kept working though since I probably could’ve since the alprazolam helped but was way too short acting. After being off work for a couple of weeks I noticed I was getting very depressed a couple of hours after taking the alprazolam because it was way too short acting. My fiance had an upcoming business trip down south and asked if I wanted to come along, the problem was we weren’t getting back before my next appt and with the withdrawals kicking in I thought the insurance company would wonder why I missed it or rescheduled so I decided to go as a walk in the morning before we left. In the morning I phoned to see if it was okay to come as a walk in and the substitute receptionist said sure. I was just about to leave when the I heard the end of the answering machine click off. I should’ve just left but I checked it and it wax the receptionist calling back to let me know there was a 1230 appt available, I phoned back and was talked into taking it not realizing that I would be in withdrawal at that point. The door was locked upon arriving and I usually ring the door bell but I noticed the receptionist staring at me from the odmffuce so I thought she would let me in or page the Dr but I think she was going senile and she just stated at me. Finally I rang the bell and my Dr let me in. I told him I would’ve been there 15 minutes ago but the person just stared at me and he made up a couple of excuses but I mentioned that maybe she was going senile. Anyways, feeling pretty rough I mentioned that I was feeling pretty crappy and he Instantly me on a couple of dangerous meds.
I shouldn’t have taken them but stupidly I did and the next day was completely wiped and couldn’t get out of bed. My fiance started screaming at me to get out of bed and I did.
On the long drive she was giving me the extreme silent treatment and I could barely stay awake from the meds, then she wanted to break up right after the first destination.
She changed her mind and I took the meds again, the next day felt awful and drove for another 8 hours and upon arriving at the destination I said I wanted to stop the meds because they were making me sick, she demanded I keep taking them and I didn’t want anymore silent treatment so I did and two weeks later suffered a severe reaction and was left with brain, muscle, nerve and kidney damage. Sorry this is way too long and I apologize. Basically, the hospital ignored the fact I arrived by ambulance and left me in a wheelchair got at least four hours while I was in extreme distress and they sent me home not believing me. The next morning I woke up with all the damage and stopped every thing cold turkey. Then I went through hell from withdrawals and my Dr never realized I would be in withdrawals. I then was freaking out and couldn’t sleep and my fiance was screaming at me and then spent a ton of money on alternative treatments that were a waste of money and there was a naturopath that could’ve helped me but I failed to make an appt and I have no idea why. After just over a year I made a plan to die and my fiance picked me up from the hospital and said I was to now sleep on the couch…we broke up two days later and my life got even worse. Let’s just say at this point my life is ruined and I’m not kidding one bit!
Does this ever really end , do you return to the person you once where , funny popular happy motivated or do you completely change , cos when I look in the mirror I don’t see me I see a pig that disgusts me
Hi, David! If you read through Dr. Leigh’s previous blogs, she mentions that you are not going to be the old you while on benzos, you will not be the you that is in withdrawal, but you will be a better you when you are healed. All of that doesn’t mean you ard not ‘YOU’. If I understood her properly, it’s just that your brain is working so hard to heal itself, so it makes perfect sense to me that we will feel differently during all the stages. And of course, the healed you will be magnificent! I’m sure hoping so!
Hey Luca do you ever feel that your going completely insane and you can’t control your brain anymore & your having the weirdest most insane thoughts , is getting to the point now where I’m totally losing my mind and think I’m gonna end up in the nut house for good
David,
What you write about is again something I know all too well.
Not everyday,but very,very often these racing thoughts with a life of their own begin right after waking up,around 4am on most days.
I still have to find any effective way to somehow deal with any of that.
I just wonder,how much of this can a brain take?
And I find no answer,yet one does not lose one’s mind.
Yes indeed who much can our brains take ? Tried to have afternoon nab , no chance , so much insanity when close eyes , thinking I’m a roast chicken or the pencil that’s drawing the visions I’m having then I’m the oxygen that comes out if my friends nostril I just got off the phone with , I don’t even know , things like that. , crazy things I can’t even explain .
A girl friend of mine of 20 years wants to take me to her Dr to talk about my issues , tried to explain to her that it’s pointless and I’ve been down that road 100 times , she gets angry cos I don’t want to go , people mean well but they have no clue what were going through , everyone seems to think we can go to rehab and all will be fine , sorry but benzos are not. , ice , heroine crack or whatever , amazing that we trusted our Drs and now we suffer more than “proper junkies ” it’s just not fair and it makes me so angry .