four birthday cupcakes with burning candles on wooden table

Four years!

I’m a bit freaked out.

Can it be four years since I swallowed the last dose of the poison that was slowly killing me? Really? Man, times flies. But, of course, it didn’t zoom by back when I was in the thick of withdrawal. Time crawled painfully slow. I dreaded waking up every morningto face yet another day of unimaginable suffering. It’s freaky to think of how many days I’ve spent battling to survive.

But survive I have! And now, I’m beyond basic survival, and I’m thriving!

It is amazing to be on this side of all the mental and emotional withdrawal shit.

Sure, I’ve still got some body symptoms. I even had two panic attacks in the middle of the night recently. Both of them woke me out of a deep sleep. So, clearly, my CNS is still healing. (And it’s letting me know I am pushing too hard.) I breathed through them and went back to sleep. I still have pain, fatigue, weakness, dizziness/wooziness, tinnitus, tingles, head pressure… you know what I’m talking about. What has gone away is that horrific mental anguish, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the hopelessness, despair, depression, gut-wrenching anxiety, existential angst, etc. I’ve got normal thoughts and feelings and I am once again, in control of both!

Life feels expansive and full of rich possibility.

I’m not the person I was before I entered this storm. How could I be? I’ve been changed. Yes, really changed. I love who I have become. I’m so proud of myself. I am the person I always dreamed I could be. I doubt I would have gotten here had I not gone through withdrawal. I was pretty hard headed, walled off, stuck in my ego, and often woke up and pulled on the victim coat and wore it all day. How different my life is now. I thank God for helping me change. I know He has given me a new heart. I’m grateful.

The present moment is delicious.

Nom. Nom. Nom. I’m eating it up, savoring every feel and flavor. You will too, one day. Don’t give up. All you have to do to get to this side, is to not kill yourself and to not reinstate. Hold on. Go the distance. It’s so worth it!

Help me celebrate four years of freedom, please.

Light a candle. Make your own wish and blow it out. Sing a happy song, do a little dance, throw your hands up in the air and shout something silly and fun! Celebrate your march towards freedom or your own number of days free. Celebrate that you are still on the planet, healing, and holding the space for something wonderful to come your way. For I tell you with the utmost of certainty, it is. It is moving towards you even as you read these words here.

Be blessed.

Jennifer

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