I can’t say I am totally healed. I still have bone pain, muscle pain, head pressure, ringing ears, dizzy spells, weakness and fatigue, to name a few of the remaining symptoms. However, life is looking pretty normal these days. I have normal fears/worries/concerns like “normal” people have. I am no longer consumed by withdrawal and the mental anguish that is the hallmark of the healing syndrome.
I still limit my exposure to stress. I don’t allow myself to get too happy or too sad. Any strong emotion can kick off an avalanche of symptoms, one of which is the internal feeling that I am going to fast. Very hard to describe this one, but it is very unpleasant.
I still am hopeful that one day I will wake up with ZERO withdrawal symptoms (excluding the ringing in my ears. I think its permanent).
I am working at re-establishing a career and being of service to others. Sometimes I even daydream about finding the right man to settle down with and to go through the golden years with, but that is not a pressing need/want. What is most pressing is getting back to work and having a purpose.
My dream is to coach again and to buy a little piece of land near the coast so I can create a bigger garden than I have now so that people with brain injuries, PTSD, or are healing from a serious illness, loss, trauma etc. can come and work alongside one another. I want to scale the garden I have now to a much bigger platform so it can serve more people.
I am still grateful for the adventure I have been on. It has been utterly brutal, but it gave me the chance to become a much better person. I have SO much more love and compassion for myself and others. My ego is less fragile too. I don’t need to be submissive and below people, feeling less than, nor do I need to be superior and feel better than. I just need to be me, on equal footing with all of God’s children.
If you are still battling the symptoms of benzo withdrawal, hold on. Keep fighting the good fight. It will get better. I used to think I would never heal. I thought that everyone else would heal, but that my brain was far too damaged. That is not the case. It won’t be the case for you either. You ARE going to heal. Even if you don’t believe it. You can’t stop your brain from healing. It wants to return to its normal state, the state it was in before you swallowed your first benzo.
Thank you all for the love and support over these hard years. Let’s keep holding hands until we are ALL at the finish line. Let’s leave no benzo buddy behind.
Feel free to contact me if you want reassurance.
Nice to see your feeling better and each day Jennifer. MISS you n ur more recent blog but i no you r renewing your life. I have irritability and anger amoung other xs..little less..guess..but that pre fem cycle has..as my year off is near. I dont wish this on any1 just wish more support in the flesh. Thank You! that you do still write. Wish you and all continued healing as I sure want. And your dreams to come to pass as you help supports others. If i have to, as i read once, “kicking and screaming” to get to the END of this madness I will. n not be discouraged but believe it does get better. Trying not to put much stress on myself. Hope make a diff in others some day 2. Thx!
So happy to hear that you keep feeling better. Is it that your mind feels so much better that the pain isn’t as much an issue? Is that what happens? I have a lot of pain off and on and worry about it. Keep posting. Your posts give us hope as we celebrate in your success.
I am 35 1/2 months off of Xanax. I have had many good windows. But these bad waves are about to do me in. I need reassurance, please. Thank you!
So happy you’ve been able to jump back into life. Even though you’re not where you want to be yet, it’s probably a lot better than this time last year. At three days short of 21 months, I’m functional, though still very symptomatic. A year ago for me was horrific, so I’m thankful for a more functional baseline. If I go into a wave though, that’s a completely different story. We still need to support each other. It’s just such a long process. It ‘s do easy to get discouraged.
Glad you are more functional. It IS easy to get discouraged. The wave I hit that I hit at the three year mark almost did me in. I needed reassurance more than ever. But that wave finally hit shore and vanished. It is hard when a new wave hits. I had an intense morning with sx just a few days ago and my heart sinks. It feels hopeless for a few minutes until I can talk myself out of the abyss. At least I have those tools now to talk myself out of the fear/hopelessness. I didn’t have those tools when my receptors were still recovering. Keep holding on. I was a mess still at 21 months out. You are doing great!
Great news, Jenn….so happy to hear that you have got most of the mental stuff under control…. 51 months out for me and pretty much fully functional…but dealing with some health issues that I am still trying to heal from…
I am so grateful for all of the online guides to withdrawal- I am so hopeful that going so lower will help me?! And I guess?! that I am lucky that i have been gradually having incresing tinnutis, joint pain and increased fibro and migraine symptoms so I am adapting my life and feeling less angry and more accepting. I am still angry that I am addicted though and that anger flared today as I just got back to a stage when I need to smash and divide teensy piles of the stupid pills and hope that I don’t mess them up!
I have a great new counselor that is helping to regain my intuition that I let klonopin cover up – it feels amazing to feel! But like you said- feeling too much can set it all off 🙁
In this part of the country we had to finish closing up the gardens for the snow that is coming early. Even my dog looks depressed. I am grateful for the days that I can see to create stuff- even if it is silly drawings- must create something!
Thinking of you all!
I need some help bad. The pain is Excruciating. I have taken myself down from 3 mg to 1 mg of Clonopin and I don’t know what to do now . I have no help or no support system any suggestions would be helpful, thank you