I hope I’m not jinxing myself by saying that I am having some wonderful windows. The mornings are far less brutal than even a week ago. The afternoons are tolerable and sometimes, downright enjoyable. The tingling is much better as is the burning and pain. Dizzy/woozy still lurks around, but even that is getting better.
Sleep is improving too. I am grateful. I am able to think creatively again. I’m not stuck in the looping thoughts and my obsessional thinking is far better as well. I can still get bouts of anxiety in my body, but it is not anything like it was in the past. I can overlook it with good distraction.
I was totally blindsided by the wave that swept me out to sea last June. It was worse than any other. It brought back outright fear and the horrible benzo thinking. I am so glad that one is over. It took a long time to get better. It was scary.
I feel I am about 85% healed now. Hopefully in the next year (two?) I will be able to say all symptoms are gone. (I think the tinnitus will be permanent however.)
I’m back to working with clients (not people in benzo withdrawal) and my new book is at the publishers. I am painting again and learning to draw. I am also writing my first novel. My mind is clear enough to write again.
I am hopeful I can slowly but steadily reclaim my life and get back on my feet financially. I know I am not the only person recovering from benzo withdrawal to lose everything from being so terribly disabled. We have all lost so much to this horrid drug. But when you are down, there is only one way to go… UP!
I am taking the days as they come and I am taking baby steps back out into the world. I decided not to go to Denver. As much as I want to go back to Colorado, I need to use what energy I do have into getting back on my feet with work. I can’t risk a setback to my central nervous system. I’ll wait until the spring to travel.
Easy Does It! I have to remember those three words. I still have healing to do, but I am grateful for the few hours I am getting every afternoon of normal. I know it may sound odd, but I am over the moon about reconnecting with my true self. I had forgotten who I was. I am remembering that I was okay. I was creative. Funny. Kind. Curious. Ambitious. It was all there, just waiting for me. Now with benzo wd under my belt, I can add humble and grateful. I am a better person these days, no doubt about it.
I”m tired so this post is pretty jumbled and jagged. Hope it makes some sense. I wanted to post it and let others know that my healing is taking a rapid turn for the better. Thank you, God!
If you are in a bad wave, don’t give up hope. If I can see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point, you will too. I was incredibly sick for a very long time. I’m getting worlds better. You will too. In time.
Thank you all for going on this journey with me. I appreciate you all so much. It’s been quite a strange trip, has it not? I don’t know what I would have done without you all for support and friendship.
I know I would have been lost without Don, our benzo healing posterboy. He’s a hero to so many of us.
When this last wave crashed in, I wrote to him every day for a long time, crying, whining and being an all-around pain in the ass. He was always there. (Thank you!) So many others.. Colleen, Pam, Matt, Jan, Julie, Linda, Karen, Carol, Ruth, Cindy, May, Rob, Sue, Bliss….. and so many others. Thank you.
I’ll update again in a bit and let you know if this high water mark is sticking around. I hope so! I like this new baseline. I like it a lot!