Sigh.

The body symptoms are really getting me down. I tingle head to toe, but mostly from the hips down. It’s not that “cute” annoying tingle you get when a body part has gone to sleep and its waking up. No. That, I could cope with. This is intense, burning, tingles, bee sting, and a sense of muscles writhing around, and the sensation of being crushed, all at once. I can’t distract from it. Wish I could.

Today the burning/pain/throb in my upper spine is nasty. I have head pressure, jaw pain, tooth pain, ears ringing (always) chest pain, benzo belly, fatigue, intrusive thoughts/obsessional thoughts, tight band around head and chest, and more.

I am weary. God, I am SO weary.

I have stopped praying for healing as that was clearly a lost cause. Now I pray for the ability to hold on and cope. Some days I am pretty good at it. Today, I am not. I want so much to be/feel normal. I don’t want to think about death, benzo, withdrawal, anxiety, fear, sickness, existential thoughts… I just want to live in the moment, doing what needs to be done. Like my old life.

I want to be able to travel. Go places. Do things. Without fear. Without an effort to walk around.
I want SO much to get off this couch and out into the world.

I am feeling rather sorry for myself today. Sorry for all of us battling this syndrome that so few people understand.

I worry that these are my golden years. I hope I don’t spend many more of them sidelined. I don’t know how many more years I have, and to think they may be all spent on my couch, or in my garden makes me very sad.

Feck.

Hope everyone else is feeling better. If you are not, know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you, feeling like shit and being very sad/angry/resentful about it. I know I have to practice acceptance, but c’mon. I’m human. I am allowing myself a few minutes of venting.

Does this shit ever really end? I wonder. I really do wonder. My body stuff is different and worse in some ways than it ever has been.

That’s all I’ve got today. Sorry it’s so downbeat. I’m worn out.

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