what it is ain’t exactly clear. (I used to love that song. If you don’t know it, go here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjSpO2B6G4s)

Something really IS happening here. I’m holding on for dear life, crossing myself, and putting garlic around my bed to ward off werewolves. I have NO idea what to expect in this crazy efffffffed up world of benzo recovery.

Here’s the latest: depression lifted like someone turned on (or off?) a switch. I mean, just like THAT. BOOM! Clear thoughts. I felt like ME. Sassy, creative, silly, zany…. ME… BUT..  since I am in benzo recovery ( I am tired of the word withdrawal. I’ve withdrawn already, now I’m recovering from the poison, thank you very much) nothing is quite what it seems. I’m ME, with a clear mind and a sense of happy and hope, but with an electrical current of 220 running through me like I’m the White House Christmas tree that needs to be lit up. Man, it’s just awful. It isn’t anxiety in the normal sense of the word, but it IS anxiety. Chemical anxiety. On top of that, I had severe tingling head to toe, burning skin that made me want to jump in a cold tub and never get out, even after I had pruned till I looked a million years old.

You got the picture?  Me, my essence, my spark, my soul… poked her head out, and took a look around all the while my body was back in it thick as thieves. Oh, and how can I forget, I also had the severe crushing sensation. I also had some strange muscle zap, that went through my chest that made me literally sit straight up and gasp it hurt so much.

It’s a crazy, crazy, crazy thing, this benzo recovery. A week ago I battled the blackest depression. Obsessed about death. Today, I had times of clear thinking and happy. I’m in here, people. I am trying OH SO HARD to get out and to stay out!

If any of you are battling a severe wave a long ways out from your last pill, hold on. I am proof that it can get better. I’m not out of the woods by a long shot, but at least my brain cleared up enough for me to get a sweet taste of who I used to be. Now if my body could only get the memo to lighten up a bit…

I feel like a yo-yo, up, down, sideways.
I burn so much right now that I am dreading going to bed. Will I wake at my usual 3 am time with the usual crap? Will tomorrow be any better? Worse? I guess I have to be brave enough to go to sleep to find out. ( I had dinner at my daughter’s house and I tucked her into bed before I left. Literally. It was precious. I was SO jealous, knowing that she sank into bed in that good tired way and that she will wake up tomorrow and get up and go about her day like normal people do. Like I used to do. SIgh.)

Nighty night my dear friends. I love you all so much. Let’s keep supporting each other on this lonely and frightening journey.

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