I am back in a wave. Wait, was I ever out of it? Who knows…
I stayed in bed all yesterday afternoon. Too weak, tingly, burning, pain, etc to do anything else. I watched hours of The Dog Whisperer on youtube because it reminds me to stay calm/assertive. I imagine my sx are like an unruly dog, doing its best to take control of my house/life. Not going to happen if I can help it. So I am yanking on its leash, putting my hand in its face and making that sssssshhhhhht! sound Caesar makes.
I refuse to let fear take over. And it could, so easily. Fear of never getting better. Fear of giving up. Fear of losing what little of normal life I have left. But fear is what makes dogs get aggressive and out of control. If I allow myself to become afraid, I know my sx are gonna beat up on me even more. I have to be a strong pack leader and be the boss.
That doesn’t mean pushing myself to do more than I can do, but it means accepting without catastrophizing and making myself worse. It means pushing against the limits a little to see where they really are. I know my mindset is key to recovery.
For today, I will not worry about tomorrow, I won’t worry about the things I can’t control. I will pray the serenity prayer as often as I need to: God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Today. I will be strong. I will be brave. I won’t let wd define me. I will do my best to reach out and be of service to others so that I am not wallowing in self-pity.
Today, I will do my best to be the pack leader. To show wd that I am not going to cower and let it take over. I will not allow it to become a vicious, snarling beast.
Today, I accept that I am still recovering. I am grateful I am benzo free. I am grateful for my friends and family, the roof over my head, the food in my belly. I am grateful for my garden and my sweet cat Sam. It’s ok that I am in bed again today taking care of myself. The world won’t come to an end if I rest. I won’t worry about people judging me, or thinking that “it’s all in my head,” or that “I need to be back on medication,”…. whatever. I will stay in my truth.
Today I have everything I need: food, water, shelter, and love. Today, I give thanks for my recovery, no matter how slow it feels.
I won’t look back and cry over that I have lost. I won’t look forward and worry about what will happen next. I will stay right here, in the present moment, and know that everything is OK, because it is.