This last wave of sx really knocked me off my feet. Literally. I spent more hours in bed or curled on the couch than I did walking or gardening. I was sinking fast into despair, fueled by “what if thinking.” “What if I never get well.” “What if I am always in pain?” “What if I can’t work fulltime ever again?” “What if I never find a partner to love?” “What if my family gets tired of me being sick?” “What if my friends stop coming by?” You get the idea.. what if …. [insert something negative]… happens.

I’m going to do my best to switch over to “how thinking.” How can I help myself recover?” “How can I manage my pain level every day?” How can I bring in money without taxing myself too much while I am healing?” “How can I dismantle all the barriers I have to love?” How can I minimize the chance of my family getting compassion fatigue?” How can I reach out to my friends so that they want to come over?”  You get the idea.

I am slowly pulling out of the wave. I still have a laundry list of sx, but I was able to walk a few blocks today without feeling like I am having a stroke or otherwise dying. I am grateful.

I am also going to Pray, Visualize, and Actualize.

I am going to pray for my body to heal. My God is a big God. I trust God can heal me. Then I am going to visualize me working in an Innovation Garden at Yahoo, Google or Apple. Next, I will actualize that dream. I am going to think of HOW I show the high-tech firms the power of an innovation garden.

Thanks all for letting me sit on the pity pot last post. I had my pity party, now time to do my best to shift back into gratitude. I have four amazing children. I have a fabulous garden that brings me great joy. Both of my parents are still alive and helping me. I have dozens of friends who love me. They bring me food, plants to put in the garden, and even give me my contact lenses so I don’t have to buy them! I have the best cat on the planet. 🙂  My legs work even if they are weak. My arms and hands work. I can see. Hear. Taste. Smell. I am grateful that I can write again. (I was sooo worried I had lost that ability!) I can work a computer again. I can drive short distances. It’s not the life I was accustomed to, nor is the life I had dreamed about. But it is my life. I am grateful for what I DO have.

Ok, gotta scoot. I am off to my art studio (another thing to be grateful for!) to paint then off to drive to Half Moon Bay to interview for the chance to be accepted into the Master Gardeners class come January. I hope I get in!

Love you all so much. Thank you for walking through the shadow of the valley of death with me. Keep walking. One day, we will ALL be on the other side of this illness.

Jenn

 

 

 

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