I slept 6 hours straight last night. That is a huge improvement for me. I woke up to pee, (sorry, TMI!) and went back to sleep for two more hours. It was glorious.
Four months into my eight month taper, ( I eventually jumped) I would go to sleep at 6 a.m. and sleep until 9 or 10 a.m. It was brutal. I was mostly bedridden at that time, so the hours dragged on and on. I played a lot of video games like Tiny Wings and Plants Vs. Zombies. To this day, I can’t listen to the music that goes with those games, let alone play them. I baby sat my friend’s 5-year-old son yesterday and he downloaded Plants Vs. Zombies on my Ipad to play. ( I had long ago deleted it.) When he left, I could not bring myself to even look at the game! So, clearly I have some residual trauma from this nightmare. But my sleep is improving! Yeah~!
I still wake up to crappy symptoms. Burning, tingling. pain, my dear ole intrusive/obsessional thoughts ( I still ponder death and dying every day, sigh.) The pain is getting better however, (Thank you God!) I don’t sweat buckets anymore during the night either. That’s a plus. The fatigue and weakness comes and goes. The swimmy feeling, boaty feeling, and wooziness is still around some of the day. The DR is still really, really bad when I drive. I am hoping it lifts in the next year. Memory still dicey, and cog fog gets thick at times.
I am looking to the future. I am doing my best to cobble together a career. I am also dating! Taking things very, very, very, slow. I am in no rush to jump into a relationship, but I am open to finding my next and last love of my life, when the time is right. When I was so sick a few years ago, I thought that I would never be well enough to be a good partner to someone. Now, I realize that when I am done healing, I will make an amazing partner because I have grown so much. I have so much compassion for everyone. I understand what really matters to me, and I won’t forsake that for a relationship. I am a much better person for having to endure this nightmare. I know I will never again attract or be attracted to a man who will abuse me, or hurt me deeply. Those days are long gone. Again, Thank you God!
I’ve got more healing to do, clearly, but I am getting farther and farther away from the absolute horror of it all, and closer and closer to the finish line. My hunch is I have another year, maybe 2, until the tingling and burning resolve. But, I could wake tomorrow and it all be gone. Who knows?
I had a horrific taper and cold turkey. I am healing. If I can get this far, you can too.
Keep swimming through the shit. Just keep swimming.