I had a very traumatic taper and then a cold turkey. It is still hard to write about it, as I don’t have a great deal of distance yet from it and I am still sick but recovering slowly but surely.
When the black depression, anxiety and overwhelming emotions, and intrusive thoughts, etc, lightened, I got a sense of my old self. The first time it happened was September 8, 2012. I remember I told my buddy Don, another benzo survivor, that I felt good. I remember I cried tears of joy that the darkness had lifted. But of course, it hadn’t really. Looking back on that day I was still terribly impaired. But, the feel good emotions of the day were great and an enormous welcomed relief from the incessant day in and day out horror I had lived before.
I would have times when I was very excited about being engaged in life, and the excitement always turned into something nasty. It would make me anxious in my body, or rev up other symptoms. It was as if I had very little in the way of any “braking” mechanism. Everything over stimulated my poor central nervous system.
I also had the sensation of time going very, very, very fast, almost like a whirring inside, whenever I got happy and had focused energy on a task at hand. It was not a welcomed sensation, and in fact was very uncomfortable. The first few months my old creative self started peeking her head up above the relentless symptoms, it was a challenge. I still had some lingering self-hate types of thoughts that withdrawal brings, and I felt raw and exposed, a naked self suddenly in the world. That may not make sense, but how does one communicate the sensations and emotions of benzo withdrawal?
To date, I am much better and I can even work with clients in a therapeutic garden. But I know, deep down, that even today’s version of “Me” is still not truly the Me I will be once all of my receptors have healed.
If you are in the phase of healing where you feel yourself coming back “online,” and it is unsettling, don’t worry. It seems to be a common phenomenon. You may not experience it this way, but if you do, please rest assured that in time, it smooths out, just like everything else in withdrawal.
I had a few business meetings where I was so elated over some brainstorms that my mind felt like it was in a hamster wheel, turning and turning, faster and faster. It was not pleasant. I knew this was not who I was. Or was going to remain. So I accepted it and allowed it to just “be.”
Now, the anxiety that develops when I am happy, is more manageable. It still can produce too much energy for my CNS, but it’s not as bad as is used to be.
As you come back to your old self, (actually, you wont be who you used to be, you are going to be one kick ass, warrior, fearless version of your old self, trust me) don’t stress about how it feels. Allow things to take their natural course and know that in time, you are going to wake up and just “BE.” No more thinking about withdrawal. No more weirdness, pain, burning, tingling… whatever. You are just going to go about your business. I can see that happening more and more in my own life.
Also, I don’t sweat the waves tooooo much. (Ok. I DO text my benzo buddy Mary or Linda and whine sometimes….) as I know they will pass. I took a nap today from 3 to 4 pm. (YES! A NAP!! I can do that now!!) because my fatigue was crushing. Instead of worrying about when it will go away, I just took care of it by resting.
Do your very best to accept. Wherever you are on your journey. Whatever the symptoms. As long as they are not life threatening, accept as best as you can. Bliss told me this and it is truly the best advice. When I try to run, or yearn for something other than what my life is at the present, the emotional pain increases.
Turn to that which scares you. Face it.
In 12 step programs we talk about fear this way: It used to be that we said, Fuck Everything And Ran….. now… its Face Everything And Recover.
Thank you to all who have donated to keep this blog going. I hope it continues to help others to hold on and walk through the valley of the shadow of death… benzo withdrawal… and keep going till they are on the other side.