In a few hours I will make 20 months free from almost two decades of klonopin use. I am healing, no doubt. But its creepy slow. I had a few good days with sx I could tolerate. Then today got pinned under and avalanche of benzo crap. I am tired of hurting. Tired of burning. Tingling, tossing and turning at night. I’m beached whale bloated, eyes fiery red, angry sore. My mind had been quite a few days, now it springs back into that benzo looping weirdness that has an old familiar texture. I am in the hurt locker again. Spent the day in bed. I’m working on a new website for my business but even that gets to be too stimulating at times.

This. Sucks. Ass.

Yesterday I told a friend I was stabilizing. Ha! Never let the beast hear you, cause he will grab you by the throat and fuck with you again.

I don’t know about you but the windows and waves are confusing as hell.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I wonder if this compromised life is as good as it is going to get. At least I am past the stark raving terror I lived in month after month in the beginning. I am grateful for that. But I sure wish I could wake up, bound out of bed, throw back my hair and feel sassy. Alive. Like I used to before my life imploded.

I wish I had a better report. Maybe tomorrow will be better and another window appear. I hope so. I read of so many who say, three years. It took them three years till they could really function and I am starting to think that is going to be me too. Sigh.

I hold on by writing, walking, gardening, cooking dinner for my kids, and dreaming of the days when life was so very sweet. As I am typing this my jaw pain is ridicules, finger pain too. Tingles head to toe, leg twitches, muscles that are burning, tight, achy, sore, burning tongue, burning painful spine, light flashes on sides of eyes, tummy bloated, bottom of feet painful, sadness, looping thoughts, boaty feeling, weak, dizzy, and chest tight, burning, hard to catch a deep breath,  just overall irritable. Hard to hold out hope when you have been sick for years. Every day waking up knowing you are going to feel awful, in your body and mind.

That’s my update. Wish I had better news to report. Oh, the death obsession is lifting. That’s a plus.

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