I had thought I would be more healed so I am a bit discouraged but holding on still to hope that this will end one day.

My emotions are a bit better in that fear is slowly going away, however it gives way to a sadness that is pervasive. I don’t see death everywhere anymore but I see futility or sorrow. It is as if all my past traumas have come back all at once and I must wade through them again, feel them, and heal them.

I also have intense self-loathing at times, which I have been told by those who have healed that they experienced this as well. I am grateful that I am not thinking about death every moment anymore, but the sorrow and loathing is hard to cope with.

I find myself back on the couch for long stretches as I am in too much pain to move, or I have zero motivation.

I am doing my best to resurrect my old career, yet not much gets done as I don’t have the stamina to keep a sustained effort going.

The bone and muscle pain is debilitating at times.

I continue to read success stories, and email or skype with those who have healed. I keep hearing that three years was about the time frame for most to get back into life full time.
I know my brain is not so special that it will not heal. I know it will. It is just taking far more time than I hoped.

I don’t know if I will need help to cope with the PTSD from withdrawal or if when my receptors are healed I will be able to go on my merry way and not think about the horror I have survived. My hunch is I will move on and this will be just another chapter in my life.

For all of you still bravely marching through this crap, keep going. Don’t give up. We will heal. One day.

Here is my list of sx:
tinnitus, feet pain, bone pain, muscle pain, eye pain, tight band around head, cog fog, depression, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, intrusive thought, intrusive feelings, emotional roller coaster, broken sleep, waking in panic, dread, tooth pain, tingles, burning, tight muscle, flashing lights on side of eyes, blurred vision, weak legs, finger pain, hand pain, smells to strong, crushing fatigue, looping thoughts, spontaneous crying, nightmares, sweats, benzo belly, burning spine, chest pain, nerve pain, memory issues, feeling overwhelmed by simple life demands…

What I do to hold on these days is to watch movies, go out and be around people, visit an AA meeting, garden when it is not to cold or rainy. I do my best to tell the negative self chatter, which is every second of every day, to fuck off. Pardon the potty mouth, but that is what I say. I realize that I have a brain in distress and it is NOT me. I am not my mind. I am somewhere inside of a sick body and a brain that is damaged and healing. I do my best to just observe my thoughts and feelings and to not buy into their doom/gloom.

I am better than a year ago, but clearly have a ways to go still.Welcome to protracted benzo withdrawal. Lucky me. 🙂

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