When I was four months out from my cold turkey and the hallucinations had stopped, I thought I was ready to jump back into my career. I wanted so much for the past year to be behind me as I had tapered for 8 months before I jumped. A year of suffering ungodly withdrawal symptoms was enough. Little did I know that my recovery was far from over. At 5 months off I hit a wall of mental and physical symptoms that were unbearable, but somehow I didn’t reinstate or kill myself.

Now, at 14 months out from my cold turkey and 22 months into the whole night mare, I am rethinking everything about my life. Everything.  I am surviving something ungodly, and when I am healed, I want every second of every day to count. No more trying to live up to what my parents or family expects from me. My life is between me and God as I understand God now. And maybe it took this nightmare to stop my drive to be successful the way my family thinks of success. Maybe it took being taken into hell to see how much heaven I truly have inside myself, just as I am, warts and all.

My small steps toward recovery are to give my life and my will over to God to allow God to direct me every day. I am asking for guidance to create a life that makes sense and a life I can life within that doesn’t cause me mental anguish. No more striving for fame and fortune, but rather to humbly do my work and make enough to have my needs taken care of. I don’t need a Mercedes. I always thought I did. Or I was taught I did.

I pray for guidance for God to help me create a life that makes sense given all I have lived through. I will take the small steps to create that life, one day at a time. I take the small step toward recovery by ignoring the voices in my head that tell me anything other than I am worthy, loved, safe, kind, smart, and healing.

I lost my mind in withdrawal. I finding my true self as I recover.

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