I took a very long break from this blog. My withdrawal turned horrific.
I failed my taper and finally cold turkeyed. It was indescribable.
I will blog about the journey soon.
But here is the update:
I still have burning, tingling, bone pain, jaw pain, head aches, muscle aches, exhaustion, anxiety, panic, depression, intrusive thoughts, obsessional thoughts and more…. I sleep fairly well, which I am grateful for.
I have healed quite a bit, but there is much more to come. My old life trauma thawed out and I have had to cope with a resurgence of feelings and thoughts. This is by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I started this blog thinking that I was going to whip withdrawal to the ground. Instead, it showed me just how powerful a foe it is. But in the end, I win. I will never take another benzo. I will stand firm and with God’s help, face my fears.
I am fighting the good fight. I will not give up or in.
Today I woke with the usual burning, tingling etc. My thoughts immediately go to the negative. Death, sickness, fear…. I can’t seem to shake the darkness. I repeat positive affirmations: I am whole, perfect, powerful, strong, loving, peaceful, healthy and happy. It helps quiet my dark mind. I know the darkness is simply withdrawal. One day I will wake up fresh, eager to start the day. I used to be full of creative energy. I know it will return. And sooner rather than later. I have a lot of healing time under my belt. Working with my clients helps a great deal too. I find great comfort in being of service. I trust Bliss John’s, (recovery-road.org) is correct that we all heal. I trust my healing is unfolding in the right way, in the right time. I am grateful for my healing. I am grateful for my life, even in my misery. I know this misery will pass. One day.